Getting Back to "Normal"

There isn't much to share here, so I will probably end up retiring this blog for a while (like I did back in 2014/2015 when I was done with treatment then. ) So actually, let's hope I retire it forever, with exceptions for when some noteworthy GOOD cancer-related news or updates pop up.

I feel really healthy. My "optimal health" goal-setting is doing what it was intended to do - exercise and eating well are a priority, and I am doing several things around mental health, mindfulness and stress management, which I have historically been pretty shitty at, so I hope I find some things that work. I've lost weight, per my oncologist's orders, but still hover just at the "overweight" mark according to the BMI tables, so I'll have to continue to monitor that while also not diminishing the joy I get from good food, but overall, my weight is in a better place and I am notably fitter and stronger. 

I have been on the hormones for just over two weeks now, and so far they are OK. Initially I had major headaches and nausea, but those have lessened and I am really trying to stay hydrated to offset both of those things. The one lingering side effect, which I will ask my oncologist about, is just REAL EXHAUSTION. Like by the end of the day 4 or 5-ish, I am DONE. It's hard to make it through the last few hours - like the level of exhaustion you feel at the end of pregnancy or with a newborn - so it doesn't feel sustainable. I am going to bed earlier and aiming for at least 8 hours of sleep a night, but I am still just REALLY REALLY exhausted.  Hopefully my oncologist will have some wisdom on that specific problem when we talk tomorrow.

The big unknown and the thing I need to try to solve is WHAT IS LIFE AFTER CANCER. I had this very comprehensive, very specific timebound plan with steps in place to get me through treatment. I was able to quantify it all - slice it up into smaller pieces and work up the endurance to get through the steps, hard as hell as it was. But now that I'm done, it's not like cancer is behind me or like any of the reassurances or statistics make me feel any more secure in the idea that I'll have a long life, since I recurred when my risk for that was less than 1%. What does that mean?

• I carry fear of death a lot more predominantly in my consciousness. I think about my own death and what it would do to the girls every single day. I think about how I would say goodbye. And stress out A LOT about the fact that I haven't made family photo albums in 5 years.
• It has been 6 months since my post-chemo scans, so my mind plays all these mind games with me about WHAT IFS. Especially if I feel any aches or tugs anywhere. 
• With every milestone, I wonder if it's my last one. Like for St. Patrick's Day...I legitimately thought through the possibility that this would be my last one with the girls, and ordered a holiday box and all the St. Patrick's things and try to think of ways to make things bigger so they're happy in the moment and have happy memories. 
• With work (or volunteerism or learning) I think long and hard about whether the thing is worth my limited time on the planet and won't do things if I think they're not worth it. I'm NOT meeting expectations and breaking "rules" more than ever in my life, and I don't feel guilty like I would have before. 
• I can't deal with mundane shallow complaints or nonsense. And a lot more stuff falls into the definition of mundane, shallow and nonsense.
• I feel desperate to matter. 

While everyone's perception is "Sherri is done, yay," I feel like I should wear a pin that says I HAD CANCER TWICE - NOTHING IS NORMAL FOR ME ANYMORE. I don''t think I'll ever be done or fully recovered. Medically, I still go in to the Cancer Center every month for shots, check-in with my oncologist monthly and will for many years, I have the hormones I take every day, follow-ups with the surgeon and pastic surgeon - I will need to get the second plastic surgery sometime this calendar year. Physically, I still have a hard time with how I look. My hair is back, but it's pretty disastrous, much thinner than before, very grey, very messy and all over the place covered by my perpetual baseball cap. My brows and lashes are back, but even more sparse than they were after the first chemo...the eyelashes are teeny, skinny little nubs and the brows are thin and oddly shaped. I am lopsided on my chest, which has honestly made me off balance - I can no longer do any of the barre3 moves that require balance and have to modify either using my dresser to keep me upright or doing a different move altogether. I have no idea what I'm supposed to do if I wear a bathing suit - I mean that is going to look weird...And as I previously mentioned I am REALLY GD TIRED. But the most significant thing is just the fear, worry and lack of confidence about the future. And musings about abandoning the girls when they are so young. I hate it. I wish there was a funded "cancer survivor" program that WORKED. I found a woman who created one herself but it is SO EXPENSIVE. This might be the nut I choose to crack for my next career. Anyway...that was kind of a lot, so I'll move on!

The kids went back to school yesterday which was a HUGE win for my stress. If you haven't been a parent through the pandemic, it's hard to explain the emotional toll of zoom school, but my kids were at rock bottom emotionally and looked to me as their source of live validation, connection, solace, school support, food, attention, stress management, outfit advice.  It was A LOT. While undergoing cancer treatment. And so the "underlying stress" of just getting through the days for the past year were A LOT.  They have only had one day but they came home happy and relieved and it FELT AMAZING to have silence in the house.

I go back to work next Monday on a part-time basis. This is probably my biggest source of anxiety at the moment. Well, second biggest - the first being getting cancer again. I really need to find the meaning in my work while not taking it too personally or working too many hours. I have never found that balance. I enjoy work - it brings me meaning - but it also causes stress and even despair when things don't go as planned or as idealized, and I need it to not do that. I think that's going to be hard. I am starting out half time, and then will make my way up to 75% time in late Spring/early Summer and take it from there. I am scexcited about going back - scared and excited.  I can't be sedentary for even 4 hours in a row, so I am really going to have to actively manage my calendar and how I work. Please wish me luck.  I need it!

That's about it, I guess. I'm thankful there is hope related to Covid as I desperately need to travel and make some solid memories with the girls as I am living with a sense that my life won't be as long as I'd like it to be. Having to put everything on hold FOR A YEAR feels like a gigantic loss against a shorter-than-desired life, so I need some of this freedom to be available SOON. I have money set aside for a LONG trip to New Zealand as soon as we can make that happen, and I am going to do all the things I was too worried to spend the money on before cancer 2.0. Experiences are sort of all that matter to me right now, and I need some big, good ones. New Zealand first, either England, Paris or Tahiti second. And then we'll go from there. Anyway, now I am just babbling and rattling off random things...so my apologies. Thanks, as always, for reading and for the support this past year.  It has meant so much to me and carried me through some truly awful times.

Stay well!

Sherri