Sleepless in Harbor City

Feeling extra grateful this weekend after three wonderfully exhausting days in Carlsbad with the in laws AND bc I didn't have to go in for blood work Friday or start popping the steroids before Monday's infusion.  YEAH.

Now if I could just stop the worry and anxiety cycle.  The girls were exhausting this weekend and unfortunately Karina did not sleep well at all in the hotel so we are very, very tired and short on patience...so I spent a lot of time yelling and breathing deeply and grabbing hands and feeling just totally exasperated with my little dumplings so as soon as they fall asleep (especially now that we are home) I feel guilty and sad and worried bc what if I don't get as much time with them as I want and I spend all this time, especially on vacation, being a mean old grump?  Will they remember the fun we had?  Will they know how much I love them, that they are totally MY WORLD?  Who will love them like I do?  I want to be around to raise them, dammit, they need me.

And once I start that cycle of worry, the tears start and so here I sit not sleeping when I am so ridiculously tired.

Hmph.

Cancer Survivorship - YEEHAW!

So I am basically done with chemo...am heading into week three of this cycle, but there is no more medical intervention planned in my life related to chemo - HOLLA!  I could not be more relieved.  I will be brief about cycle 6 and just say that it was pretty nasty, like cycles 3 and 5,,,so I should have heeded my oncologist's warning about the cumulative effects of chemo bc the side effects were more significant than I anticipated.  Mostly the nausea and exhaustion just got worse... I also got another freaking skin infection at the infusion site, so where my infection from cycle 5 on my hand is still totally miscolored and I don't have any sensation in the nerves in a large part of my hand, the cycle 6 infection is up the top part of my forearm...so far I still have full feeling and it looks a lot less nasty than the cycle 5 infection, so I am hoping for the best.  But the exhaustion and nausea were the real bummers... it's hard to explain to a healthy person bc I have been healthy my whole life until this cancer adventure and couldn't really imagine what people with chronic illnesses feel like, but i just didn't really feel good almost all the time...and even now, my mouth still tastes awful, my stomach is in constant churn and I am so ridiculously tired.  I drink like three shots of espresso in a latte in the morning to kickstart my sad body and then by like noon I am just pooped again.  Regardless, chemo is no longer part of my life and I am delighted to see it go!!

The best news I have to share is that now my relationship with my oncologist turns into a relationship about survivorship.  Yippee!  Everyone keeps asking me, so are you cured? Are you cancer-free?  I don't really know how to answer that question except to say that the assumption is yes - they got the cancer out with the surgery, there were no signs in the lymph nodes and chemo should have killed any rogue cells., But really it just becomes a waiting game, as I explained in a prior post.  So, by clinical standards you aren't considered cancer-free until you go five years with NO Evidence of Disease (or NED) and at that point you can apply for life insurance and all that good stuff that normal healthy people do and be considered truly cancer-free.  But per my oncologist, until proven otherwise, I am at this point a cancer survivor and I plan to be that way for the rest of my long, healthy, beautiful life.  :)  The treatments moving forward are for cancer prevention and so as I have written in many prior posts the herceptin and tamoxifen should really help me continue to be a survivor, but both will have some side effects, some could be pretty gnarly, including other kinds of cancers, but overall they should help promote long term survivorship so it is all good from this point forward. :)

I would lo9ve to write about all the life altering things I learned while going through this cancer journey, but I don't want to bullshit you.  My experience with cancer really just reinforced my overall perspective on life and the areas where I was already challenged:

• First and foremost, it reinforced for me that life is hard and not always fair, but it is still worth living and I want a long, long one! 
• Second it reinforced that life is really only meaningful because of the connections we have with people and based on what we put back into this crazy world.  I don't want to restate what I have written about at length, but my goodness I felt the love during my treatment and it made me a better, kinder, softer person, I swear.  I also tried to give back as much as I could - by running to raise awareness, fundraising and doing the Army of Women studies, I also donated extra hats and scarves to other breast cancer patients, and just tried to be kind and compassionate not only to the other patients in the infusion center, but the medical staff and just people I encountered in every day life.  Like I said about that quote where everyone is facing some kind of battle or challenge, it is true and everyone deserves some compassion, kindness and smiles.  I was already sort of like that, this experiences has kicked that into high gear for me.
• It also reinforced for me that my greatest challenge at this point in my life is being a parent.  I struggled as a parent before I was diagnosed and struggled during treatment, and will probably always struggle, I don't know if its bc our Tash is just a serious toughie or because I just seriously have no clue, but again no great cancer insight other than that regardless of how tired I am o0r how much Natasha is driving me crazy in any given moment, I love her and Karina, love being a parent, and am trying to keep things in perspective during the especially dark parenting days bc truly I want as many days and years as possible to parent those two monkeys, challenging as some days may be.
• It brought back to the forefront all my questions, concerns and challenges related to health that had really already been there for a long while - like what kind of damage are we doing to our bodies living in the SMOG in Los Angeles and by the POrt of LA and refinery, should we move somewhere greener? how can we eat better, whole, unprocessed foods and how can we make the time to cook more when we both have busy jobs and long days, how am I going to lose my pregnancy weight, and how am I going to deal better with stress and anxiety?  I definitely feel more compelled to address these health concerns now that my body knows how to make cancer...but these were all dancing in my head just without qa lot of focus before my diagnosis.
• Lastly, it made cancer personal and I am more pissed off than ever about the prevalence of ALL TYPES of cancer, but specifically breast cancer.  This is where the cancer experience has probably changed my DNA to an extent.  I got my Masters in Public Health with a focus on adult obesity, but I now want to use that degree more than ever to do something about reducing cancer and making cancer treatments/cures less toxic and painful.  I have no idea how I'm going to do that, but I am going to do something toward that effort before the end of this calendar year, and I will continue to do that for as long as I live.  All the research says cancer incidence and survivorship is going to continue to increase and there are shortages in oncology-focused medical personnel.  Something needs to be done here, including changes to our food and water supplies, air quality, access to healthcare.  So this can look a million different ways and like I said I have no idea what exactly I will do, but I am doing something dammit.  Cancer can kiss my ass.  I am fiercely competitive and cancer is my enemy.  Watch out, you evil narcissistic beast, bc I am coming.

I will probably keep this blog going at least for a little while to keep my family up to date on the rest of my treatment and check-ups, but also so people know what I am doing and what they can do to help kick cancer's ass.  I appreciate everyone reading and all the support.  There truly are no words to express the gratitude for all the love and kindness I have received.  So thanks.

Overwhelmed

I'm not sure where to start this blog post, so I'll just start with this - chemo cycle 5 was not my friend.  Worst nausea yet to the extent that the taste of water was disgusting and I got super dehydrated and was miserable, and not able to really move or participate in life for about 8-9 days.  I also got a skin infection on my hand called cellulitis that caused like a massive burn and peeling on my hand, for which I am taking antibiotics that  make me more nauseous and tired.  Good times.  But you know what?  In 21 days chemo will be a memory and I hope to forget all these little pesky details.  Forever.

I met with a naturopath today as well as I look toward restoring my health and energy after chemo and am optimistic but totally depressed about the plan after that meeting.  She informed me that I should be eating a diet of 70% vegetables and even gave me specific vegetables bc she could tell I had some specific deficiencies based on my physical.  She also took blood and will run a full nutrient panel and test me for the MTHFR gene (commonly referred to as the mother fucker gene) which, if I get a positive result, means there might be other stuff going on around the way my body works that will need some refinement to avoid recurrence and other problems.  I go back in early July for those results and to talk about how my diet is going.   70% vegetables?  I can't even imagine.  Any recommendations out there for cookbooks or sites for paleo or increasing veggie consumption?  I really can't imagine accomplishing that, I'm totally a bread, cheese and sugar girl, so any thoughts or referrals are appreciated on that topic!!

I also have to start figuring out what the hell I am going to do about the Tamoxifen.  I am supposed to start that right away after my last chemo cycle, so the last week of June, but I hear major horror stories about it, and this big study came back this week about an alternative to Tamoxifen that might have better results and so I have to talk to my oncologist about that bc tamoxifen terrifies me.  I also have about a million questions for my oncologist as I head into post-chemo, avoid recurrence stage of my breast cancer.  Like, how worried should I be about living close to the Wilmington Refinery and the Port of LA?  I worry about it constantly and wonder if the worry or the reality is worse for me.  Also, do we need to get our house tested for radon?  Is either toothpaste or deodorant toxic and potentially carcinogenic?  What about microwaving?  What about storing food in plastic Tupperware or ziploc containers? Milk, dairy, wine, red meat????   People have sent me a million articles about a million things and I don't know what's real and valid and should actually merit an action.  And it is all stressful! But dammit, I will not have a recurrence!!!

So Monday I head in for my last chemo and I just can't believe it.  I made it!!  I couldn't have done it without you!!  I'll continue to keep everyone posted on my progress.  Thanks for reading!