HALFWAY DONE

Had my last white blood cell shot today which means I am officially halfway done with chemo, only 74 days to go!  Thanks to everyone who checked in on me, I am doing really well, the new nausea drug (EMEND) was helpful and so I haven't been as knocked out as last round.  Even with the nausea, I am not one of those people who is so nauseous I can't eat, unfortunately, so I feel bad, but I can still eat, and then I just feel worse after eating and take more meds and so it is a bad cycle with a large part of the blame being on me for being a foodie/overeater.  I still have weird aversions, so certain smells or the thought of a lot of foods makes my mouth water in a bad, I am going to throw up sort of way, but turkey burgers and bagels and rice...mostly plain stuff is going down just fine and in decent quantities.  Of course, my skinny friends who have gone through chemo could not eat bc of the nausea and so lost weight...but not me...still ten pounds up.  Oh well, I am feeling super strong and am HALFWAY done and am totally going to get through this hell!

My current project is researching local restaurants for my post-chemo dinner/wine celebration with the husband.  (Do I have an over-fascination/addiction to food or what?)  but I know exactly what I want for all courses, and so I am looking for a good place that can do sushi, steak and chocolate souffle.  And where I can bring my own wine and not get charged a ridiculous corkage.  Leaning toward Houstons or Flemings, but let me know if you have other recommendations.

I also started a new series - Orange is the New Black - during my last chemo so I have something new to keep me company when I wake up dripping sweat with heart palpitations in the middle of the night.  It's kind of extreme based on just the first episode, but I am going to give it a try, then will try to catch up on either Mad Men or Game of Thrones, which I stopped watching during season 2.

We're also still planning our summer vacation which has changed shape like a dozen times, so who knows what we'll end up doing, but I need to get something planned so I have that to look forward to through the rest of chemo and then as I move into just herceptin infusions and the tamoxefin (sp?). (Boo.)

The husband and I are going to spend the post-chemo summer months getting Karina's room in order (it was his office and we never actually made it into a kids room, poor second kid that she is) and figuring out our long term life plan.  If anything is going to be gained from this experience, I think we want to spend some time considering what really matters to us as a family, how we can get that, and how that all ties into our kids' educational plans.

Anyway, I am feeling really excited as this phase of treatment comes to the halfway point and I can see the light at the end of the tunnel (for this phase as well.) I am really optimistic that the herceptin only infusions are gong to be a breeze and that tamoxofin won't totally knock me on my ass.  I hope I'm not fooling myself.  It's good to feel optimistic and EXCITED.  It's funny too bc everyone that I see says I look really HAPPY, or GLOWING, or EXCITED and I really do feel that way when I am not overcome with exhaustion and nausea.  I feel like I am really lucky to have this chance to think about and plan for the kind of life I want to have moving forward.  I want to make the most of this time and make positive changes that will benefit not only me but also the kids, everything from how we eat to where we live to how we spend our work and free time.  There is so much to think about and it is all good.  I am happy.

Lastly, I will be doing the Revlon Walk on Mother's Day with Chris and my mom as well as the Susan Love walk/run in Pacific Palisades the weekend after Mother's Day for anyone looking to join us on a walk.  I think they are the second and third weekends in May.  I also got a free photo sent to me from the Hollywood 10 K which I am posting below.  I envision myself looking so much more athletic doing these things, but whatever, I did a 10K while undergoing chemo and so cancer can kiss my ass. :)

Hope you are all well.  Thanks for reading.

Chemo Cycle 3

Yesterday I was feeling really blue after an exhausting but wonderful week off with the girls, and visit from Ann, my mother-in-law from Florida, thinking about the girls going back to school, having to do the mad morning routine and lunch packing, being apart, and of course chemo round 3.  Natasha didn't make it any easier either, telling me after I explained that we weren't going to be able to drop her off or pick her bc of my chemo schedule and reminding her that I had to go to chemo so I could stop being sick, that she wishes I would stay sick so I could drop them off and pick them up and cried and tantrumed about it for a while right at bedtime.  If only she knew how guilty I felt and that there was no need for her to make me feel worse.  Hmph.

But then yesterday Chris and I got to have breakfast and make a Sam's Club run without kids, which was heavenly, and I got to hang out with two friends who I hadn't seen in about a year, and my sister Tiffany sent me like the nicest text message ever and there were just such nice moments in the day, it helped with the anxiety until bedtime.  I think I got about three hours of sleep total, and ended up with both girls in the bed.  The insomnia did enable me to catch up on Scandal though so that was good.

So today.  We met with the oncologist this morning and she said even with the more extreme nausea last cycle, I am handling the chemo "really well."  She said the fact that I ran a 10k on Saturday was "incredible."  (Which by the way I was 75th in my age/gender category of 210 women but I am thinking I was probably in the top three if not number 1 in age/gender/active breast cancer/chemo patient, not that I am at all competitive.)   She also gave me a third anti-nausea medicine this go around so I am hoping that addresses the issue.  She also talked a lot about how this process is "curing the cancer", how if I get a recurrence it would be "rare" and just "bad luck."  I needed to hear that bc I worry about the impact this is having on my body and my kids like everyday, so the emphasis on curing was just what I needed.

After this cycle plus the shots through Saturday I am halfway through chemo.  I am so stoked.  We are actively planning for post chemo celebrations and vacations and just general fun and merriment.  Like I am looking for a recommendation for an AMAZING wine for a celebratory dinner post chemo for Chris and I in late June.  We could get our old standby Brown Zin but I want something worthy of a LIFE CELEBRATION.  Let.me know if you have any recommendations.  We are also still planning our family's vacation for the summer and I absolutely cannot wait!!  Looks like we will do Hawaii for just over a week, staying for a week in a house on Oahu and then ending with three nights at Aulani.  It is crazy expensive but I want to do something big to celebrate my cancer getting its ass kicked, our 10 year wedding anniversary, and just spend.some quality family time together before my final surgery and return to work when life will get crazy again.  I would love to do New Zealand or Paris, but I can't imagine doing either of those flights with kids. I CAN'T WAIT!!!!!

To get me through the next 80 or so days of chemo, I am still focusing on my running/walking/hiking goals every week, thank you notes, new obsession with long dangle earrings to accent my hats and draw away from my bald head, and research on eating pure, supplements, etc.  (Although I am going to be honest and admit I am nowhere near eating pure during treatment, only my bacon/egg addiction has evolved into a turkey burger addiction.  Like I want one for all three meals every day.  And cereal and milk.)  Oh and of course I am planning the girls birthday parties for the summer. I am feeling pretty good about everything.  No additional weight gained since the last chemo cycle so I feel more optimistic that it is in fact water weight from the steroid. Phew!

What else do I have to share?  I am still feeling incredible amounts of love, which I hope doesn't sound like bragging, because that is not my intent.  That has just been the best part of having cancer, which sounds really weird, but it has made me see so much more kindness in people, to experience love from and reconnect with friends who I had all but lost touch with, to understand how thoughtful and generous people can be (and hopefully to be influenced to be more so myself!) cards, letters, messages and calls continue to roll in...many of my co-workers and friends have me on some sort of.contact cycle so I am getting surprises every week, I have had someone or on some occasions more than one person bring me fresh flowers every single week since I was diagnosed, my mom and sister Heather are back at our house this week to help out, my sister Tiffany is trying to come next cycle and my sis in law Nicole is coming out for the May cycle.  A really good friend has all my cycles on her calendar in case she is needed...my sister's got me a new super adorable trendy lululemon bag for my chemo cycles (see pic), we are still getting meals and meal cards and the gift of time.  Honestly I feel like a queen...a bald puffy queen, but a beloved queen nonetheless.  I'm sure I'm forgetting stuff too and so apologize if I haven't sent out thank yous or recognized gifts, every single action has been really, truly appreciated.  Thank you.

Hope you are all well.  Thanks for reading.

The Bald and the Not So Beautiful

So I am almost two weeks into this bald life and as with every aspect of cancer so far, it has not been as bad as I imagined.  Not to say it has been super fun or anything, but much to my surprise it hasn't changed much about the way I go about my life.  When I had asked a friend of mine at work who went through this how she dealt with facing the world bald, she said, well stuff has to get done so I just put on a baseball cap and got on with it.  That is pretty much the truth and what has ended up happening with me.  And actually I think people who feel uncomfortable and don't know how to react to you end up being way OVERLY nice which is not a bad thing.  (I do wear a hat ALL THE TIME.)

I will say it is much harder to see people I know than strangers.  Well, especially people I know who don't know I have cancer.  Last week when we went to the girls' gymnastics classes, it was weird bc we are sort of friendly with the parents but it's not like I go around and am like, oh hey, howz it going, I have cancer.  One of the moms was like so...what's going on with you and the shaved head.  So I told a couple of the moms and of course they were great and offered to have the girls over for playdates and it was totally fine.  People really for the most part of very kind and generous.

Friday night we went to Kid Concepts and a few young girls in the art room.we're trying to befriend Tash so they were asking her how old she is, her name, whether she has seen Frozen (which then broke out into an impromptu Let it Go sing along...)  When they were done with Tash they turned to me and one of the girls asked me if I had gotten a haircut?  I replied yes, I got a sort of extreme haircut.  And she asked why.  So I said, well I have to take some strong medicine that was making my hair fall out and I looked weird and spotted so I cut the rest of it off.  And Natasha chimes in, my mom had a ball in her boob.  So then they asked why I had a ball in my boob.  I told them I really didn't know, but that it was a sick ball and we wanted to get rid of it.  One of them said, ohhhhh, yah, like I get bumps on my leg sometimes when I fall and showed us a bump and bruise on her leg and that was it.  Kids are so funny.  And smart.  And sweet.  :)

One of my neighbors also told me I looked radiant and a girl at the sandwich shop up the street went.on for like 5 minutes about how much she likes me without hair bc it really shows off my face and on and on.  I appreciate it and realize people are trying to make me feel better, but really I look weird and not attractive but the good news it hasn't stopped me from doing much of anything AND I still have my eyebrows and eyelashes.  I hope they last. Also for some reason I can't bring myself to go to my local Starbucks where all the baristas know me bc I guess I don't want to tell them all I have cancer so I go to the drive through which is just slightly further.  I'm a weirdo.  :)

Other than living la vida balda I am already dreading chemo cycle round three which starts with my blood work on Friday, steroids Sunday and the infusion Monday.  If the side effects do end up being worse bc of the cumulative nature of the chemo I am going to cry.  Thankfully Grandma Ann has been here this week to help me with the girls spring break and my mom and sister Heather will be here Monday to help with the kids after the infusion.  We are so lucky to have so much help.

That's it.  Hope you are all well.  Thanks for reading.