Chemo, I've Got One Less Problem without You

Hmmm, where to begin?  Well, this week I had my 30-day follow-up visit with the oncologist and got some clarity on what is happening with my body now and what to expect for the next year.

First, my blood work this week confirmed that my white blood cell counts are still low and so I was freaking out.  Dr. D let me know that it is actually normal for the counts to be low at this point, and that within the next 30 days they should start to creep up (two months past chemo), but that it will basically take about a year for the levels to normalize to where they were and that I just had to give it time.  This explains my exhaustion, I guess...she also said her younger patients actually take longer to recover bc we don't take the time to rest and start doing our usual 10,000 things much sooner than her older patients...and it's true,  WIth two young kids there is just no stopping...so I know I have been totally pushing myself to have the summer of fun so they don't remember the cancer/chemo as much as how great it was to have mom around and do all these cool things.  But geez, I am so ridiculously tired. At least now I know it is a normal tired!

She also let me know that I shouldn't expect to lose any weight until after two months beyond chemo bc it takes that long for the chemo and steroid havoc to move out of my system and for my metabolism to start working like normal again.  This was also a relief bc I had thought I lost four pounds and really I am trying so so hard to get back down to my regular weight, but on the doctors office scale I weighed exactly the same as I weighed for my last four chemos which is WAY TOO MUCH.  I was feeling so angry and depressed about it, and she reassured me that if I keep doing what I'm doing the weight should start dropping off in about two-four more weeks.  I sincerely hope she is right.

I will repeat again that she called me "cured" of breast cancer so everything else I do at this point is prevention.  I love that.  Unfortunately, the prevention has all these stupid risks and so I feel like I am going to be thinking about cancer for a long time still and I don't want to.  I want to MOVE ON.  I am sure you all want me to MOVE ON as well. Ugh!!!

So after our visit, I got to pick up the tamoxifen prescription.  So while I continue with Herceptin, which I repeat may cause heart damage and may prevent normal healing (like I bruise way easily now and the bruise will last for 6+ weeks), I started tamoxifen which may cause weight gain, mood swings, uterine cancer, blood and lung clots, hair thinning (which is an issue since I barely have any freaking hair still) and a whole bunch of other crappy stuff.  But, really, uterine cancer?  I know I am belaboring the point in all these posts, but making a cancer prevention medicine that might cause another cancer.  It is insanity.  So I have taken two pills and of course I am so ridiculously anxious again now with the worry about the side effects associated with this step.

Oh, my doctor also told me to stop drinking the green tea.  She said that there is no documented evidence of green tea causing any issue with breast cancer medicines/treatment, but that it does actually hinder another chemo regiment completely...like ti stops it from working completely, and that the impact on cancer treatment is really not studied well.  Um....I started drinking it bc of the antioxidant properties even though it tastes like poop, and it actually may have more of a negative impact on me????Excuse me?  That was an easy pill to swallow (pun intended) and so I get to stop drinking that crap.  No offense to those of you who like green tea!

I am still totally anxious.  I mean when my white blood cell counts came back low this week I FREAKED OUT.  I started googling every form of THE CANCER IS STILL HERE, THE CANCER IS BACK,  THE CANCER SPREAD, LEUKEMIA, etc.  I suspect the next five years are going to be long for me because of this, and really the all consuming fear that I will have to go through this process again.  I just have to keep believing I won't, but man, fear and anxiety are powerful forces in my body!! I am hoping ti gets better and easier.  I also came across this blog which describes similar feelings...the writer asks the question about whether a cancer survivor is ever really cancer-free...and I thought it was a  good relatable read.

http://www.ihadcancer.com/h3-blog/07-12-2014/Are-We-Ever-Really-Cancer-Free

I am also still relishing in the love that has been sent my way throughout this process.

This week was our ten-year wedding anniversary.  I never thought I would be a freaking cancer survivor just ten years out from getting married, but here I am.  My husband made me a mixed CD of songs that represent special moments in our marriage (including the cancer) and really it was the best gift imaginable because it reminded me how much he loves me and how much we have been through.  It is good to be loved.  He has also sort of started saying if there is stuff we want to do, we should do it now because we really just have no idea what the future holds.  Which is true.  But which also scares the shit out of me bc I wonder then if he is thinking I am going to die like sooner than expected.  And also, it forces me to figure out what the hell I want to do.  Other than spend as much time as possible with him and the kids, I really don't know and I feel sort of stuck from making any major changes bc of the need for ongoing treatment...so we will see.  I had really intended to spend some of my time on disability figuring out my life, but as everyone told it would be, the cancer was a full-time job and it didn't leave much time for philosophizing or sorting through a life plan.  I would like to prioritize this and I plan to participate in a  new workshop type thingy about using trauma to improve your life.  The details about this (which is a work in progress) can be found in the blog below if anyone is interested...from a woman who was diagnosed with a very rare form of cancer very shortly following mine and I have been following her incredibly sad and inspiring blog.  This is what she is taking away from and creating due to her experience with cancer.  It is really amazing.

http://zenpsychiatry.com/27-ways-to-make-the-day-of-someone-with-cancer/ 

I also want to just insert the link below to Stuart Scott's ESPY speech about his battle with cancer.  He talks about all that really matters are the people/relationships in our lives.  I have been saying the same thing and couldn't agree more...It's another touching story about cancer, and also just shows how stupid cancer impacts so many people's lives.

http://www.businessinsider.com/stuart-scotts-espy-speech-fighting-cancer-2014-7

Lastly, I am inserting some pictures of a couple cool gifts my friends from college presented me with at our celebratory duffy boat rental extravaganza.  It was a great day full of lots of laughter and I am so lucky to have these girls in my life...for two decades now!  One thing I resolved to do when I turned 40 and I am re-resolving to do now is to spend more time with my friends.  Family can be all consuming for me, but the break of hanging with people who knew me before kids, who knew me when I danced on tables and tried to join bands and was just fearless, well it's good for my heart and soul and I need to do more of it!

Thanks everyone for reading and for the continued support.:)

Sherri

I Get So Emotional Baby...

So here I  am 30 days since my last chemo infusion and all I can say is DAMN.  I'm not sure what I expected, but I for sure thought I would have more energy by now, more hair, more eyebrows, and more control over my emotions.  So let's start there.  I am way, way, way MORE emotional now, and I am talking like uncontrolled emotions, than I was during chemo.  Everything makes my cry.  And I mean everything, including nothing at all like sitting in the car at the red light at the bottom of the hill outside the girls' school in silence and the tears just start rolling down my cheeks.  Most nights when I try to go to sleep.  Kind gestures.  Mean gestures.  Grocery shopping.  It is concerning.  And so I asked my Young Survivors Coalition whether this was normal and many survivors said they experienced something similar and explained that it's sort of just the pent up emotions from going through chemo and going into warrior mode.  Which I sort of get.  I didn't cry at all through the mastectomy and chemo, except when I had the reactions from taxotere during three of the infusions and that was crying from physical pain...and I think the chemo countdown was almost like holding my breath, preparing for physical discomfort and just getting through it, but really, it's not like I have ever cried this much ever.  Not even over the 2 1/2 YEARS when Natasha didn't sleep.  So it's weird to me and I hope it stops.  Soon.  I don't like crying, I don't normally do it a lot, and I'd like to reserve it for when it's really needed.  So come on brain/body/heart/eyes.  COOPERATE!

The other big disappointment is how ridiculously tired I still am.  My oncologist will be checking my blood again at the end of the month, but the naturopath who ran my nutrient panel didn't find any major deficiencies, so I don't know if there is a physical problem that is treatable related to my energy levels or if this is again just sort of the fallout from the past 6 months compounded by my erratic emotions.   I am just sort of a tired, clumpy, hair-less mess trapped in a cycle of being overly emotional which makes me more tired but restless at night, and then being tired and unable to sleep makes me more emotional and physically weaker and so I am not working out as much or as hard as I need to to get my health back...and I need to stop the spiral.  I will of course discuss this all with my oncologist and hope she can help me formulate a plan of action.

And now let's talk about my hair...I was told that I would get a centimeter of growth per month.  The husband says it looks like I have more than a centimeter,  but all I know is that I am still basically bald, (but I do have sideburns coming in, see pic below) wearing hats even though it's ridiculously hot and they make my head drip sweat constantly and I miss my hair and want it back now.  My eyebrows are sort of back, mostly stubble, but hopefully will thicken again over time.  Eyelashes seem to be doing ok and yeah for me, my leg hair is growing back quite rapidly.  (Is that TMI?)

It's also hard for me to believe it's been 30 days.  Time is going by too quickly, I've been away from work for 6 months this.  It is INSANE and yet it feels like no time has passed a at all.

So what is going on that is happy or fun?

Well, Chris and I celebrated me being done with chemo with some really delicious ice cream in Carlsbad (peanut butter vanilla chocolate combined with add in candies, yum!) and will probably drink the $150 bottle of wine I bought in anticipation of being done with our anniversary dinner next week.  My oncologist advised me that there is a direct link between increased alcohol consumption and recurrence.  And while I love me the wine and tequila, I hate me.the cancer and chemo enough to make alcohol a truly special occasion, rare treat.  (I will need to find some new hobbies, however, since wine tasting and testing margaritas and sangria recipes were seriously two of my very favorite things to do, so let.me.know if you have ideas.  And no I will not be turning to candy crush or whatever nonsense game.stuff is.out there.)  My college friends have also arranged for a Duffy boat rental this weekend and celebratory lunch so that is very thoughtful and sweet and should be really fun!


I am also working very hard to detox and lose the weight I gained as well.  The naturopath has me on some supplements (a lot of supplements, too many supplements and I know, I know, I have been totally been reading about how you shouldn't take supplements, but I figure for 30-60 days post chemo I can at least try to give my body as much boost as possible.)  And I am trying to get to personal training three days a week with a couple days of cardio mixed in.  As of this morning it looks like I may have dropped about three pounds, but I ended up gaining about 15 during chemo so I have long way to go.  I am also physically still weaker than I was before chemo, I can't lift as much weight or for as long, and I haven't been able to run more than about 2 minutes at a time, so I have a lot of work to do, but it feels good and I feel confident I will be strong and fit again at some point in the not too distant future.  Hopefully I can get a couple more 10Ks in this year and maybe even a half marathon in the fall...


I should also get a return to work date when I meet with my oncologist at the end of the month.  It will likely be in either September or October which is way longer than I think anyone anticipated me being out so I am looking forward to having a plan there.  This time off has been a job in and of itself (like this week for instance, I had four appointments in my calendar, all in Orange County, plus three personal training sessions, long term disability paperwork to complete, trust paperwork to complete...really, this time has been a full time job) so going back to managing work and the kids and my health and just life...well if I think too much about it, it is one of those things that brings tears to my eyes, but I really, really, really miss my Cisco people and I really, really, really miss feeling like I am making a difference, so I look forward to having a solid date and working against that. 


We also are trying to have the summer of fun however we can on a super tight budget (disability checks aren't the same as paychecks, mind you), spending as much time with our families as possible, we have both girls' birthdays this summer, vacation at the end of August, lots of good stuff going on and coming up so I feel thankful (when I can see through the crazy emotions...)


I think that's it.  Thanks for reading and additional thanks to everyone who has reached out to check on me.  I imagine things are only going to keep getting better from here and I look forward to connecting with and hopefully seeing many of you this summer.  :)


Sherri