Chemo Session 1

Let me start by explaining what many of you may know but which I did not which is that chemo is not just an infusion session where you are in and out and then you get to just hang and relax until your next session.  Chemo is a full-on cycle of activities like a machine with prep work and post work and consultations and evaluations and so while the infusion is the thing I was focused on, that is just the BIG piece in the cycle, but there is so much more to it than the infusion. 

Each cycle starts two days before the infusion with a urine and blood analysis to make sure you are healthy enough to get the infusion.  (Which sort of reminds me of the whole process of making sure death row inmates are sane and healthy enough to be killed…weird and I am trying not to make an analogy there in light of my partnership with my chemo where I am trying hard not to see chemo as a poison or a killer!)  If you are healthy enough then yeah, if you are not then there is a whole bunch of stuff they can do to get you healthy but your infusions will be delayed or halted until you are healthy enough to take them again.  If you pass the urine and blood, then you start taking your pill-based steroids the day before chemo, and then a Zyrtec (sorry, had previously said Zoloft which was wrong) the day of chemo before you even show up for the infusion.  At the infusion they give you additional anti-nausea pills and Tylenol, and then they actually do a saline drop to hydrate you before they start putting in any drugs, and then you complete your infusion.  After the infusion, you have five days of shots (that you are supposed to administer yourself, yah right!!!) that go into your stomach to help your bone marrow produce more white blood cells to keep you healthy enough to take the next infusion.  (I got five days of appointments with the infusion nurse bc there is no way I can stick myself with a needle!)  You also go home with Imodium AD in case of diarrhea, stool softeners in case of constipation, a recipe for a mouth wash that you have to use after every meal to avoid mouth sores…and a whole slew of instructions for the many weird things that can happen during the “cycle.”  During week 2 you visit with your oncologist to make sure everything is going well, and then week three you start your urine and blood tests again and get ready for the next cycle.  That is what the next 17 or so weeks will be like for me.  It’s a lot, definitely a full time job, but I am good at tasks and lists and steps and so I feel very well in control now that I know all the steps involved. 

So the best way to describe MY first chemo “cycle” is to say it was bearable.  I am happy to report that there were no tears.  I wasn’t sure what to expect and you all probably saw that I woke up at 1:15 that morning and could not get back to sleep so I was worried.  But I think I was so jacked up on the steroid that I was more like hyper and jittery than scared or sad.  My cheeks were burgundy and I was winded and the infusion nurse let me know that I probably had woken up bc of the pill-based steroids and not necessarily bc of anxiety.  That actually made sense to me and made me feel a little bit better.  The day started out with some frustrations, though. 

The Kaiser infusion center has maybe 15-20 infusion rooms, some private rooms for longer infusions and some curtained rooms for shorter infusions.  We were promised a private infusion room bc my infusion was supposed to be 4 hours, but when we showed up they had no private rooms so we went into a curtained room that was like 4x4 feet without enough space for Chris and I and all the comfort amenities I brought and I was super bummed.  I was scared and jacked up on steroids and have no privacy plus I was privy to all the beeps, shouts, conversations, aggravations, etc of the fellow chemo patients, plus the laughs and jokes of the staff which probably irritated me more than anything because didn’t they realize this was NO TIME FOR JOKING OR LAUGHING!!!  Then before they even started the infusions, the infusion nurse came in and starts telling me about the shots I am going to have to self administer for the white blood cell counts, and I am like, yah, that's not going to happen. So they set me up for appts with an injection nurse every day (this is for the white blood cell shots, I actually got my first one yesterday and it was fine but there is no way I could have done it myself).  Then the thing that really killed me is that they had trouble getting an IV in so they had to try three different veins and it was painful and it sucked and I was like, um isn't this what you do all day every day?  It was crazy.  I had specifically been told not to worry about getting a port bc I had great veins and then they couldn’t get the damn veins to work and it was just not a good start to the day!!  (I’m a whiny, baby I think, sorry!)

Once they got me started the day was fine, but long.  The staff was nice, Chris stayed with me the whole day, my mom and sister brought me a yummy turkey burger for lunch, and I binged on Scandal episodes during the entire infusion.  We ended up getting moved to a private room about 2- 2 ½ hours into the appointment which was much nicer, but what should have been a four hour appt turned into seven hour appt bc of the vein issues and because I had a reaction to one of the drugs, I think the taxotere, which gave me incredibly painful back and pelvic spasms similar to what contractions feel like.  Not fun.  They said it was pretty normal but they had to stop the drip, give me a steroid, flush me with saline and then start the drip again with the drug but at a reduced rate.  So we went in at 10 AM and got out at 5 PM.  It was a long, draining day.

I slept great that night and yesterday felt pretty normal- a teeny, tiny bit of nausea, a little bit weaker than normal, but I got in a 2 mile walk, did some squats and lunges, went shopping for some more feminine looking clothes so that when I am bald no one will think I’m a boy, and just sort of rested during the afternoon.  Today (two days out) I feel a little bit weirder.  Like sort of heavy and slow and my stomach is a bit more unsettled so we’ll see what the day brings.  I will still try to get in a walk...and will probably do some more Scandal bingeing.

Mostly everyone I have talked to says day three to like five or seven are the most difficult so I am just sort of waiting to see what this feels like for me.  the infusion nurse said she sees all sorts of patients who get no side effects at all so it's anyone's guess what this will be like before I go through the complete cycle, but really despite my whining I am optimistic. 

I asked Chris what else he thought was noteworthy about the session, and there wasn’t anything except he did point out that the infusion nurse laughed a lot.  Which was true.  And the main nurse in the oncologist department laughs a lot too.  I suppose it makes sense that you have to have that sunny disposition to get through the process of working with cancer patients all day, but I can be very snarky and so I got really irritated with the oncologist nurse during our chemo class bc she thought everything was so funny that happens as far as the side effects and it was so funny that many of her patients hair grows back differently than their original hair and I could not understand what was so funny about that. It made me mad.  I told Chris I wanted to shave her head and see if her hair grew back the same way and then see if she thought it was funny.   With the infusion nurse, when she was laughing and cheerful about them not being able to get a vein I also wanted to punch her in the face, which I'm sure she gathered bc I did not laugh or smile or commiserate with her at all.  But throughout the day as things calmed down and I settled.down and maybe relaxed off the roid rage, I really liked her.  She was nice and sincere and calming...hoping she will be my nurse throughout but we'll see.

I think that's it.  Really so far so good.  Hoping it stays this way.

Thanks for reading.

Sherri

My Contract with the Devil AKA Chemo

Up at 1:10 AM after about 3 1/2 hours of sleep anxiously awaiting my first infusion.  I don't know how cancer patients are supposed to rest to heal unless no one is as anxious as I am about each step...which is probably quite possible.  So I am trying to get a handle on some advice I got from a good friend/life coach/cancer guru who forced me to talk about my fear and anger about chemo on Saturday night and basically told me I had to change my perspective and come to terms with the important role chemo was going to play in my being cured or I would not have the best chance of being cured.  He explained that I had to go into this fully aware that I was making a deal with the devil, but that chemo was my partner in healing, that if I got sick on chemo then it meant it was working and that sometimes things had to be sort of broken to come back more powerful and beautiful.  Of course, he said it a lot more eloquently than that, but emphasized that in his experience the patients who had that sort of partnership perspective rather than the perspective that they were being forced against their will to do something they hate and don't want and they weren't able to get past the fear, well the partnership folks fared better.  And well, I am going to fare excellently so I need to get a handle on this.  Which drummed up the idea in my head of writing a contract or agreement of sorts with my chemo so we were clear on how this is going to go.  This may end up being a really weird post so read on at your discretion.

Dear Chemo- so here we are.  I would be lying if I said it was a pleasure to meet you, even if only on paper so far, but I do want you to know I am glad to have you on my team as a critical tool in my recovery and cure from breast cancer.  We are going to be working together over the next 4 months to kick the shit out of our common enemy and I know we can do it, but I want to outline some terms and expectations so we are both clear on how I expect this to go down.

1. I believe that you are the BEST tool for my particular cancer at this point, and therefore the most effective next step in my fight.  That is your role -  cancer killer and recovery builder.  My expectation is that you work as you are intended to work with 100% focus on finding and killing any rogue cancer cells in any part of my body.  Let me repeat that- ANY AND ALL.  This is all I need you to do and this is why you exist.  Do your job.  Do it perfectly.  There is no room for error and I honestly expect nothing less than perfection from you.  Do not disappoint me.
2. While we are partners in this work and you can expect me to also perform with perfection, I am the boss.  I am in charge of whether our partnership continues over the course of the next four months, and I sincerely hope that it does because I truly need you and have high expectations of the results of our partnership.  If you get crazy and start seriously messing with parts of my body that have nothing to do with your singular task (killing any and all rogue cancer cells, which I will remind you of constantly) I am going to be pissed and I will fight you in those efforts and I will win.  If at any point I feel you are doing more overall harm than good I will absolutely terminate our relationship and I will be a crazy madwoman about sharing and publicizing my experience so that your deficiencies are addressed through medical advances and so that you don’t have the same opportunity to harm other women.  Also so women can make intelligent decisions themselves about whether or not they want to partner with you in their treatment.  I don’t expect this to be the case because I am certain you are the best partner for me at this phase of recovery, but I have to get that out there because I have a very low tolerance for unnecessary fear and just general health shenanigans.
3. I will be an incredible partner for you.  I am the perfect partner in this particular case because I am the best at taking care of my body so we have a winning team, no doubt.  I'm young, strong, healthy (other than the stupid cancer which we both hate so we again we have the same enemy).  I have so much love on my side it’s insane, including the love and adoration of two young girls who need me in their lives now and for as long as possible.  I am stubborn and I am determined to be cured.  Every action that I own in relation to completing the 6 sessions required of our partnership will be completed as outlined and I will go above and beyond to help you fight our enemy.  I am already a healthy eater, having added several new foods into my diet bc of their cancer fighting properties, added green tea which I honestly think tastes like mold into my diet, I exercise just about every day.  I will be getting chemo-specific massages and doing cancer specific yoga.  Oh also, I am smart, ridiculously good with data and metrics and a good researcher, so whatever acceptable side effects and risks  are necessary for you to DO YOUR JOB, I can handle those and I Will Do everything to handle them so that I am healthy enough that each of our sessions can occur as scheduled.  You can trust me to perform.  I do not fail.  Be clear though as I mentioned previously about there being acceptable side effects and unacceptable.  I will not accept any organ failures or serious impairments/infections.  I trust my judgment and the judgment of my oncologist more than I trust or value your power.  If needed, I will find another way to be cured.  I hope you are the path to my cure, but I am not afraid to walk away and try something else if you cross the line.  I don’t expect to have to do this bc I have said at length that I know you are good at your job and I expect you to just get it done without any crazy shenanigans
4. This is a one-time agreement.  I need you RIGHT.NOW.  Do your job because I only expect us to ever partner this one-time.  Never again.  That is a win for both of us, although I know I am charming and funny so you will miss me, but bc I am charming and funny you want me to live the rest of my long life with my husband and kids cancer-free and so this is our one opportunity to work together.  Let's make it great and then go our separate ways which is both our ultimate goals.
5. In return for your stellar performance I will take it upon myself to specifically commit my time, money and other resources to making you better.  You are a remarkable and powerful tool, you save lives, but I believe there has to be a way for you to do that without the extreme and harsh side effects.  I am not a doctor or cancer specialist, but like I said before, I am smart and am tenacious.  I will spend the rest of my life committed to helping other cancer patients, and I have a strong interest in chemotherapy research and advancements so that over time you can do your job and be nicer about it.  I think you would appreciate that and I know all of your future partners would as well.

That's about it.  I'd like to thank you in advance for your hard work and partnership toward curing me of cancer. I will be in constant communications with you verbally, physically and mentally if that even makes sense and know we will have a strong and powerful, albeit short partnership with each other. 

 

Yours in CURING

Sherri

one more thing-Cisco

At this point I feel like I am just bragging, but I have to share that Cisco has the most incredible employees.  I just got another gift (seriously, I have received probably a dozen gifts and even more meals, cards, books, jokes, a singing telegram!!!) from the team with enough herbal tea to get me through my entire chemo, I think, as well as massage credits that will last for months as well.  I am so lucky.  I am so thankful.  I love my Cisco peeps.

Friday Inspiration

Three random things I wanted to share this Friday:

Funny story - I postponed my last dental cleaning bc the appointment conflicted with an appt with my plastic surgeon...so I rescheduled for next week.  My oncologist informed me that I should not have a cleaning or any dental work done during chemo bc of the risk of infection.  So I have to postpone for another three months.  I am a freak about my teeth and so in typical alarmist Sherri fashion I told my husband, oh great, now I am going to be bald, fat (from the steroids), dry skinned, without fingernails or toenails and TOOTHLESS.  My husband's response - Ahhh, my perfect woman!  :)

Beautiful card.  Look at this beautiful card my college friends dropped off with a bunch of delicious and thoughtful gifts:

Inspiring Poem - Saw this at the oncologists office, and loved it.  Wanted to share:

There once was a woman who woke up one morning, looked in the mirror,
and noticed she had only three hairs on her head.
'Well,' she said, 'I think I'll braid my hair today.'

So she did and she had a wonderful day.

The next day she woke up, looked in the mirror
and saw that she had only two hairs on her head. 
'H-M-M,' she said, 'I think I'll part my hair down the middle today.' 

So she did and she had a wonderful day.  

The next day she woke up, looked in the mirror
and noticed that she had only one hair on her head.
'Well,' she said, 'today I'm going to wear my hair in a pony tail.'

So she did and she had a wonderful day.

The next day she woke up, looked in the mirror
and noticed that there wasn't a single hair on her head. 
'YAY!' she exclaimed.

'I don't have to fix my hair today!' 

 Attitude is everything!Be kinder than necessary, for everyone you meet is fighting some kind of battle.
Live simply,  Love generously, Care deeply, Speak kindly
Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass...    
  It's about learning to dance in the rain.
---
Author Unknown

Happy Friday all.  I wrote this before our pre-chemo class which just totally pissed me off so I am going to leave as is in a happy place and will share my pissed offness for another post.

Thanks for reading.

Sherri

The fun starts Monday

Damn, I don't even know where to start.  Chris and I spent about an hour with the oncologist today and just...well, damn.  I need a brain dump so here you go:

• They actually found precancerous cells in the biopsy of my right breast so I could not be more thankful that I did the double mastectomy since the actual cancerous tumor is in my left breast.  She said there is no guarantee that would have turned into cancer, but still.  Jeez.  Gnarly.
• Because I am HER2 positive and grade 3, which remember is the dynamic, fast-growing cancer cells, and my tumor was medium sized, the potential for recurrence is 40-60 % within the first 5-10 years after treatment.  Holy crap, right???  With chemo it reduces to 20-30% which still sounds awful, but that ultimately made the chemo decision for me.  
• I'll start chemo on Monday, I am doing Taxotere and Carboplatin for 6 sessions every 3 weeks so my last treatment will be on June 9th.  (Just in time to celebrate Chris' 38th bday and I will have maybe a centimeter of hair by Karina's bday.  Woo hoo!!!)
• I'll start to lose my hair between 3-5 weeks after my first session.  
• The chemo may cause all the scary things I have already outlined in other posts, but it can also cause numbness in my fingers.and toes which may last for up to a year.  That sounds really uncomfortable to me and I hope it doesn't happen.
• After chemo I go into herceptin infusions every three weeks until March 2015 and will start Tamoxifen which I will have to take for ten years. Herceptin can cause congenital heart failure and Tamoxifen will put me into early menopause and can cause endometrial and/or uterine cancer.  Thank goodness we are done having kids and that I have a healthy heart.  So far.
• I'm still scared but now that we have a plan I feel more settled.  I can live without hair for three months.  I think.
• The oncologist said caffeine and exercise and massage and manis/pedis are all fine during chemo so at least I can overspend on some of those self-care indulgences like Starbucks and Color Me Green.
• She is writing me out for work until July or August which will make this the longest period of my life not working since Freshman year of college. 

That's it.  I'm sorry these posts have been shorter lately, or maybe that is better for.most people, but my work laptop died the day after I went on leave (hello universe telling me to really take a break) and so I blog on my pad which I find much more difficult.  That's also why you'll find random periods in my posts bc the period and space bar are right next to each other and my fat thumbs sometimes don't hit the right key.  

Thanks for reading.  Let me know if you have any questions.

Pathology (much different than pathological, i.e., i am a pathological stressor)

Finally got the pathology results...and they were able to get a result on the HER2 and I am HER2 positive, which is good news bc it means I can get the chemo that does not cause leukemia, but bad news bc I have to have Herceptin which is the stuff that jacks up your heart.  Also, the treatment regiment will be for an entire year, we think.  I don't know if that means I look and feel like shit for the whole year or what but we find out Wednesday.  I am really.glad they got a result and so we don't have to guess on treatment, but I am anxious and scared too.  I'm also feeling a little bit weepy and depressed.  Not sure where that is coming from but I hate it.  Last Thursday out of nowhere I just was a crying mess.  I feel sort of helpless and I am getting bitter again the more waiting I do and the closer I get to chemo.

I ended up reading The Middle Place by Kelly Corrigan over the  past three days, it was good and she expressed a lot of similar thoughts to mine...but at the end I just felt like the story wasn't over.  What happens next?  I think I am feeling more upset about this being something that impacts my health and quality of life for the rest of my life so when the oncologists talk about a tough but survivable year you don't think beyond that, but there are lifelong implications and challenges.  And yes, I know I am lucky bc I get to live, but I am again going down the path of wondering why I have to fight for the gift of life, why I am in the position of feeling like I have to prove that I love life enough and am strong enough to be a survivor...it just doesn't seem fair and I am back to wondering what I did to deserve this.

Anyway will post more after Wednesday's appt.

Still waiting

It's been almost 3 weeks since my surgery and I still have no pathology report and it is freaking making me crazy.  I'm not good at waiting in general (i mean is anyone?) But really I am totally the person who reads the Facebook spoilers during the So You Think You Can Dance finale bc I can't wait til the end to know who won and I have been known to read the last chapter of a book first when I am flying just in case the plane goes down so I will know how the book ended in case of my untimely demise.  So now we are talking about a very personal, super stressful tumor analysis that is going to set the course for the next 6 months of treatment and my overall life/survival prognosis and I NEED TO KNOW THE RESULTS NOW!!!  I have a tentative chemo appointment for next week but I don't have the information I need to know which chemo regiment I need and/or how beneficial it will be overall.  GRRRRR.  My tendency to be crazy is increasing daily.

Outside of the waiting, things are going just OK.  We saw the plastic surgeon again Monday and will continue to see him every week for the next 2 months or so.  I was having a bit of an issue on my right side so they had to remove some dead skin and give me some extra stitches.  it was gross.  For the girl who passes out about basic medical care, I have to give myself credit for just doing what needs to get done without a lot of drama.  it has not been easy, but for me requires extra courage than the average bear and I am getting through it just fine.

So let's talk about stupid fucking chemo, or SFC as we'll call it so as not to be offensive in front of the kids.  I joined this secret young cancer group on Facebook and have been trying to prep by gathering as much info and resources about chemo before I start but it all fucking sucks.  So I am seriously considering just not learning anything else bc it's not really helpful for me personally.  In addition to losing my hair and damaging organs, barfing, risking leukemia and just generally poisoning my body, I apparently also need to worry about mouth sores, losing my finger and toenails, having my finger and toenails turn black, incontinence if I don't flush the chemo out of my system fast enough, hyper sensitivity to cold...that's about all I can remember so I'm sure there are other things I just blocked out.  Anyway so yes I am kind of bummed and kind of bitter. And yah yah yah I HAVE to stay positive, yada, yada, yada...I am positive it is going  to suck. Ha ha.

Don't even get me started on the tamoxifen which they now recommend taking for TEN YEARS.  Insane.

So what is happening that is good?  Well, the surprises, gifts, meals and love continue.  Which is just incredible.  Natasha is still having some insanely sweet moments like last night when we read her Nowhere Hair, the kids book about a mom losing her hair bc of chemo and she said she would still love me when I don't have hair and would tell her friends to not freak out bc it's still just her mom.  She is a cutie, as much as she drives me crazy sometimes.  She is still acting out a lot, angry, so I am thinking about taking her to a kids group or play therapy or something.  she has such a hard time anyway, the stress and anxiety are just crap icing on the already troubled cake.  I am also trying to find a naturopathic doctor to help with supplements and other stuff for during chemo.  If anyone has local recommendations, please send them my way.  It looks there is an integrated natural health center in El Segundo that looks promising and one in Torrance as well.  I bought myself a really cute breast cancer baseball cap and will be getting a beanie and newsboy to cover my bald head bc I don't think I want a wig...but again we'll see.  I'm still walking every day, albeit a lot slower since the surgical staff advised me to slow down, and still doing way too much online shopping to fill the time.  (Sorry husband!)

That's really all I have to share and I know it's not a lot, and apologize for the incessant complaining about the SFC.  If you ever have to infuse poison for 5 hours at a time directly into your blood stream I PROMISE I WILL BE THERE FOR YOU TO COMPLAIN TO, but for your sake I hope I never have that fulfill that promise.  :)

Anyway hope all is well with you all.  Love and kisses to everyone.  THANKS FOR READING.

Sherri

Natasha-isms

By now everyone knows how much I'm struggling with the being sick and not able to lift/squeeze my kids, and tonight my mom and I tried to take the girls to get new school shoes and it was a total nightmare failure with Karina running full speed ahead in her new shoes out of the store and away from us while Natasha was still taking shoe after shoe off the rack and not putting them back and I couldn't run or carry Karina back to the store and it was bad.  So.I was frazzled and sweating and we missed their gym class, but as we made our way out of the mall Natasha asked if she could have a coin to make a wish in the fountain and do you know what she wished for?  For me to never, ever have to have surgery again.  How sweet is that? She has surprised me with her kindness and compassion during this recuperation period...tonight at bedtime she asked if my surgeon prescribed me.popsicles and when I said no, but she did tell me to drink green tea, Tash replied, well what about coffee?  I know you like coffee best.  She also sent me to bed with her stuffed unicorn sparklesflowerlightening.  If that's not love, I dont know what is.

Im lucky to have My girls and perhaps we will ALL come out of this more compassionate and.open.

Quick Update

Saw the plastic surgeon today, he said everything looks.good.  Where I am worried about my right side having issues, and it might have some minor issues according to him, he said it looks great but is being compared to my left side which he says is basically like miraculously well and quickly healing and pain-free so I am worrying bc I am comparing the right side which is normal to the left side which is like super human.  All I can say is phew!  And I hope he is right.

I also got my drains out which is a relief but no real allowances gained...still can't lift or squeeze the girls, and they told me I need to ease off of the turbo walking and take it easy.  I go back again next Monday.

We also got tentatively scheduled to start chemo on February 19th.  I am waiting for the full pathology report to come in on the tumor bc I am still hoping for some miracle news that will get me out of chemo altogether...but until that happens, that is the next major and horrific step.

I have been spending my down time watching the entire series of the show Parenthood which I hadn't seen before, and the episode I watched last night right before bed had the mom starting chemo and throwing up all over herself and just having a hard time and so that was a bad choice on my part bc it has exacerbated my fears...but the script writer had her calling chemo poison and being mad about making her healthy cells sick and so there were parts of it that were sort of reassuring as far as making me feel normal.  But I am scared and I don't want to do it.  I want a way out.  I don't think I'm going to find one that doesn't significantly impact my long-term survival.  Grrrrr.

Ok, so I said a quick update so that's basically it.  Tomorrow is World Cancer Day so if you have a face book or Twitter account purple your profile in support, please.  The stats just on breast cancer alone are scary...a new woman diagnosed every 3 minutes, a woman dying every 13 minutes, and those of us who do survive long term go through a small he'll and have disfigured bodies and miss out on time with and hugs from our kids.  Our caregivers go through a whole different kind of hell and breast cancer is one of the.most treatable and beatable cancers.  There are too many horrible types of cancers out there that are way worse.  And they all suck.  Anyway, if you think about it you can google "purple your profile"  and show your support.  GM is donating $1 per purple profile up to $1 million.   Pretty cool, huh?

Thanks for reading.

Staying optimistic when things aren't going great

February 1, 2014

I have been on a bit of a high, I think.  The surgeon got clean margins all around the tumor and so clinically the trend of getting the best possible result continues.  I am walking and pretty mobile-I did almost 4 miles today.  And I have incredible support still, from all over.  So things are going well and it has been nice.

But the challenges are starting to weigh me down.  Not being able to hug the kids, run around with the kids, or just snuggle them is driving me crazy.  They are being great, they really seem to understand but it is making me agitated and sad.   Natasha tonight asked if I could stay up all night and rub her back and hair.  I know she misses me and I hate it.  She.gives the best hugs and I miss them.  I want my drains out, I want no pain and I want to be able to squeeze those little monkeys.

I am also having an issue with the skin on one side not healing well and so I am worried about having to have another surgery to correct that, and of course it's the side that didn't have cancer and so I feel like I'm being punished for choosing "elective" surgery.  Well I don't really think that, but I am disappointed.  And I just want everything to go well, I want this to be as easy as possible.  My disability paperwork is also delayed and so I am not getting paid right now...anyway, at night when I am trying to get to sleep, the negative thoughts are getting to me and bringing me down.   I keep chanting "present", "present" and trying to just live in the moment and be focused on the overall really good health news, but I am struggling.

What else?  Well, the husband is still being an incredible caregiver and my mom is still staying with us so that has been a life saver.  My sisters, mom and friend Brynda and I have decided to do a breast cancer walk in Santa Barbara using the name Team Boob-a-Bliss-cious.  There's so much fun to be had with the words bliss and boobs.  Hopefully it will be the first of many walks and clever team names.

I will find out my chemo schedule next week and am still dreading that part of this journey for so any reasons.  Other than the stupid cancer I am in impeccable health but now I have to course poison through my entire body, all organs, with major potential side effects and it (pardon my language) fucking sucks.  Plus there is the whole hair thing which I have complained about incessantly so I will shut up about it today.

Not much else to share.  Hope everyone is doing great and thanks for reading.

Sherri