Chemo Officially Sucks

Chemo Round 2:

I'm just done with the clinical part of cycle 2 (the infusion plus 5 days of shots) and I totally get all the drama surrounding chemo now.  I guess I was really lucky during cycle 1, and I guess a little cocky, bc I expected this round to be similarly bearable and it was absolutely not.  This round is knocking me on my ass.  Unbearable nausea.  Smells, like any smell, triggers a gag reflex, and food disgusts me and I can’t sleep bc of horrendous stomach churn and night sweats.  The exhaustion is also ridiculous.  Like I don’t think I can move my body off the couch exhaustion but then I can’t sleep bc my heart is beating erratically and I am so freaking hot.  It has sucked.  And been way worse than cycle 1.  I got an upgraded order of tier 2 anti nausea meds yesterday so I am optimistic this is going to be over soon.  The good news is that being so miserable has offered me very little time to focus on my hair and how ugly I look.  I perceive that to be looking at this as the glass half full…although I am sure that hardly qualifies.  Oh and did I mention that I have a chronic eye tick that is caused by the chemo.  It's annoying, but again, most of this stuff I can live with, I just need the time to go by as quickly as possible!

Anyway, I am officially 1/3 of the way through the clinical chemo part now so YEAH ME.  I think I can. I think I can. I think I can.  Here is a pic of me smiling during the second infusion bc they got the needle in on the FIRST TRY!

The Hair

The hair is all gone.  I was letting it shed naturally, which I mentioned previously was really disgusting, the hair was dead and it smelled and the shedding was getting ridiculous.  Human hair balls were joining our cat hair balls in the corners of rooms and on pillows and so last night I just had Chris shave it.  Physically, it felt really good.  Like a head massage and because I have been SO FREAKING HOT, it cooled my head off and stopped with the itching and the stinking.  (I really smelled like a dirty dog.)  But I look really ugly and I look really sick.  And, because the hair hasn’t altogether died over my entire scalp, there are black spots amongst the white scalp and I think I sort of look like a leper.  The girls reactions were totally aligned with their respective personalities – Karina was like “touch it, touch it!” because she wanted to touch it, and so she did and she laughed and then she kissed my head.  Natasha was like “AHHHHH!!! You look scary!”  and asked me to wear a hat.  Then she told me to take it off so she could scream.  Then she asked me to put it back on.  Then take it off. Until I lost it and was like MY HEAD IS NOT A GAME!  The husband has been perfectly perfect about it.  He was like, can I call you a snow leopard?  And then I had him take a picture of me with and without a hat, and after the pic with the hat on, he was like “You are such a cancer patient.”  Kidding of course and it made me laugh.  Today I had to go in and get my last shot alone bc Chris has taken the girls out for the day so I can rest, and I texted him that I was not looking forward to people staring at me.  His response:  If they stare, it’s because you’re beautiful and strong.  Somehow I chose really well in the husband department. 

 

 I will not be posting any bald photos, sorry.  I look ugly and am trying to avoid looking in the mirror when I go into the bathroom.  Maybe I will get used to it, but since I only have 95 more days of the chemo, I am hoping I don’t have to bc come the summer I will start to have hair again and can at least shoot for a little pixie cut.  (BTW, I am not fishing for compliments.  I look ugly and sick.  It’s fine.  I can deal with it.)

Other Stuff

I continue to be amazed at the generosity of my friends and family.  My mom stayed with us almost this whole week again and so I got to rest as much as possible.  I can only imagine that she is very tired because at 23 years her junior even when I was healthy, hanging with two energizer bunnies is exhausting.  And I can’t imagine being a mom watching your kid go through chemo.  That has to suck and if there is any mercy in the world since I have to do this, my kids shouldn’t have to and I will never know what that feels like.  Cards and gifts and well wishes continue to be sent my way.  See the hilarious card below from my friend Elisabeth.  Sad that there is a market for cancer cards, but damn whoever is making them is doing a fantastic job.  

What else?  I think that might be it.  We are planning on doing the Revlon Run/Walk Mothers Day Weekend if others are interested…let me know.  And always looking for other events in support of the cause.  

Thanks for reading.

Sherri

My 2nd infusion is tomorrow...and i'm still scared!

I sort of thought once I went through an infusion that it would be all easy peasy...old hat...MY ROUTINE.  But here I am stressing with anxiety and heart palpitations hoping this cycle is as easy as the last one, hoping they get my vein on the first try, and that while my hair is almost gone and it is gross and ugly that the stuff I am using on my eyebrows and eyelashes works so that I don't look like an alien.  oh and that the steroid works so the taxotere doesn't give me spasms.  Lots of hope going on...and fear.

Also with the hair...I totally get men with comb-overs now.  My hair is falling out in chunks and it is all dead.  It stinks like skunk or dead dog.  But I am clinging to those stinky dead hairs remaining like they are a vital organ.  I finally had to wash my hair friday, it had been like 8 days...and man oh man did it come out.  Anyway, I will do whatever I can to keep it for as long as I can.  And I am surprised by this because I am really so low maintenance when it comes to my physical appearance.

 I am also super pissed off bc I gained 5 pounds since my last chemo session.  I have been eating really well and exercising almost every day and ugh!!!  Both my oncologist and trainer said it is most likely water weight from the steroid, but double ugh!!!  I am mad.

Outside of the anxiety, I am relishing the love and fun and health from the walk yesterday.  I ran 4 1/2 miles, walked 1 1/2, the longest I have done since the 2007 Manhatan Beach Old Hometwon Fair 10k and I have cancer and am undergoing chemo and weigh about 15 pounds too much and I totally did it.  It was awesome and our whole team Boob a Bliss pious did incredible and we exceeded our fundraising goal by 50%!!!  It was truly awesome.  My new plan is that just as I have an.oncologist massage during the third week each cycle, I'd like to try to do a 10 k that third week too.  The third week I am supposed to be at my healthiest so I think it's a fairly realistic plan/goal.  That would mean that April 5th Chris.and I would be doing the Hollywood 10k with my sister.  I also aspire to try the superhero half marathon at Disney in November, but I have a lot to get through before then, so we'll see...

Anyway, that's it.  Overall I am in really.good spirits, just.anxious about tomorrow which only exacerbates my ridiculous level of exhaustion.

Oh and hey, happy early St. Patrick's Day.  Slainte!

It's Raining Sherri's Hair

My hair started falling out today.  I am so disturbed.  I am on a shower strike as I refuse to assist the process.  Also so thankful I have a drive thru Starbucks in the neighborhood so I can avoid that daily interaction.  How am I going to face the world hairless?  I seriously did not know I was so vain and shallow, but I am.  Ugh!

The Luck O' the Irish

There is no fixed physical reality, no single perception of the world, just numerous ways of interpreting world views as dictated by one's nervous system and the specific environment of our planetary existence.

Deepak Chopra 

I've been spending my time thinking about the power of perception.  Chris and I have always felt we are lucky in the big things in life…of course, that list always started with us being healthy, so that is no longer the case, but we have healthy kids, we have always been employed at great jobs with great companies, we won our wedding, we found our house the day it went on the market and were able to buy it with no competition, we have traveled, I met my former boss Steve Orzeck at exactly the right moment in my life and he basically built my career.  Some people would call this being blessed.  Some might take personal responsibility or ownership of this thinking they were diligent or persistent or whatever, but for the most part Chris and I both feel that luck has played a big role in our lives, helped us get where we are currently and we have been thankful for that.  (Of course we have been unlucky in parts of life, but mostly significantly less important stuff.)  This is not to say we think that luck supersedes hard work or honesty or whatever, but I believe that you could be the hardest working, most likeable, honest, smart person in the world, but you still need luck on your side…luck in my personal opinion could be the difference between success and failure in many aspects of life.  And truly, overall, I have been so, so lucky.

I have been thinking about this a lot because of the cancer and the chemo.  I went to the Redondo Beach Cancer Support Center last week and got to listen to the diagnosis stories of the other 7 or so people there for the orientation and I left feeling so lucky about my diagnosis.  I am so lucky I caught it early.  I am so lucky it did not spread to my lymph nodes.  I am so lucky I have already had and breastfed my kids.  I am so lucky I don’t have to work while I go through this.  I am so lucky I’m insured.  I am so lucky my surgery was a success AND that I opted for a bilateral mastectomy considering they found pre-cancer in the non cancer side.  Right now, I am so lucky I am having such an easy reaction to chemo.  A lot of people are telling me it’s because I’m so strong.  I can tell you with 100% certainty that this is not the case.  I am a scared baby and I don’t like pain.  Something about my body and the way I am built SO FAR is not having a terrible time with the chemo and I am incredibly grateful for this LUCK.

So the other thought I am having is around the law of attractions.  I do wonder if there isn’t something to that…like I am so thankful for the luck in this diagnosis and maybe some of that optimism or openness is also attracting positive things my way.  I have kind of always believed positivity attracts positivity, but we all know I am not always positive.  SO who knows, lots of stuff rolling around my brain similar to the whole question of WHY I got this.  Maybe this is just my way of reconciling the whole ordeal or making it easier.  I don’t know.  Just a lot of thinking and a lot of being thankful that things aren’t worse.

So, with specific regard to the chemo, I am still having no major side effects.  I have some slight, totally manageable nausea, I am really, really ridiculously tired at some points of the day (but I was tired before chemo)...and then I have this weird vein inflammation and itching where the chemo was infused which the oncologist said is from the taxotere.  The exhaustion is hard with the kids.  Really hard.  And I try to fake energy but by like 6 I am pretty toasted, plus Karina has been waking up around 4 am sporadically and so I am not getting enough solid sleep probably even for a regular person, but definitely not for a cancer/chemo patient.  I fear I am going to be tired for the rest of my life. But as long as my life is long, I can handle it. Other than that, so far so good.

I also saw the plastic surgeon this week and they finally took out the stitches.  I go back next week for my first fill...let the boob growing begin!  He released me for all physical activity which I have been desperately waiting for, so I had my first post-surgery run this week and met with our trainer twice.  All the exercise felt amazing!!!  It is such a privilege to be able to exercise, and exercise really is my cure all.  Not much makes me feel as good as a great workout and a hot shower.

My hair is starting to feel super dry like straw and like it is dying.  That is what I worry about every day.  How am I going to face the world bald?  Will I face the world bald or will be a recluse for 6 months.  The oncologist says I should start losing it somewhere between weeks three and five so anytime after St. Patrick’s Day.  Boo!

Monday we meet with a dietician to do an overall review of our diet against cancer risk and also to address eating during chemo, which as I previously mentioned has not been an issue.  I want to eat 24/7.  It is hard to reel that in...I guess at least I don't crave sugar.  Just meat.  Lots and lots of meat.  and eggs and bacon.  We also meet with the oncologist late in the day Monday to discuss the chemo, any adverse reactions and prepare for cycle two which starts next Friday with the blood work, and then the steroids over the weekend and then the infusion next Monday, on St. Patrick’s Day.  I guess I’ll be having green Gatorade instead of beer. :)

A week from today is our Santa Barbara breast cancer walk.  I am so proud of our team Boob-a-Bliss-cious which has raised $1,200, exceeding our team goal by 20% and I actually tripled my personal fundraising goal.  It should be fun.  My first 10K since before I had kids, and the fact that I am doing it while undergoing chemo makes me think I am crazy, but I figure if I can deal with cancer I can freaking run 6 miles, right?  We’ll see.

I think that’s it.  I could never say thank you enough for all the support I continue to receive.  I did want to share these two pics of great cards I received recently.  Enjoy.  Thanks for reading!

Chemo Update

I just got my last post chemo shot and so the medical intervention part of cycle 1 is over.  yeehaw!!  Other than some lethargy and nausea, I feel great.  If this first week is any indication of how chemo is going to go, I can so totally handle this!!!

I will say that I was maybe a bit cocky about the steroid induced food cravings.  I did not have food cravings while pregnant and was sure I would not on steroids.  Wrong.  I have eaten a lot of bacon this week and pretty much want bacon, eggs, or a giant burger 24 hours a day.  As you all know, I have promised myself I will not gain weight on chemo, so I need to get the food thing in order.  I managed to eat a Portobello burger one day and a turkey burger one day so I am optimistic I am not going to succumb to droid induced food hedonism...but the cravings were way more real and urgent than I expected.

That's it.  Feeling really super optimistic.  Only 116 days and my chemo cycle will be complete.  I CAN DO THIS.

Sherri