Did you know that's a real song? I'll include the link to the video below. My girls love the song I Want a Hippopotomus for Christmas so I thought this was really clever.
Anyway, I am getting some plastic surgery for Halloween, which is why I'm updating my blog. My final surgery (well, hopefully, it should be my final surgery unless something goes wrong) is Thursday. It's outpatient surgery and they say I should be out within a few hours and it is really a very minor procedure but of course it's scary going under anesthesia and then I will have some muscle pain and limited mobility for about two weeks so I'm a little bit scared. But it's also one step closer to being DONE with active treatment. Woot Woot.
That's all!
Here is the video:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bEQkql2vW4w
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Tuesday, October 21, 2014
Monday, October 20, 2014
I'm Working Hard for the Money (again)
(This post is from September 30th, accidentally saved to drafts, so posting three weeks late)
Today was my first day back at work. And in usual Cisco style, it has been nothing but goodness. My boss wrote me a super nice welcome back note, almost every single person copied on that note wrote me their own personal note welcoming me back, and everyone is asking how they can help make the transition back as easy as possible. Cisco people continue to amaze me.
It's nice to be back and know I am getting a paycheck also. There was an issue with my disability case in early September and so I actually haven't been paid for several weeks while I appeal the premature closure. Knowing that I am back contributing to something besides my own health AND getting paid to do so is a relief. :)
So, what has been going on these past two months since I last blogged? Thankfully, not too much. I have been getting my every third week IVs of herceptin and those have been mostly uneventful excluding the one in early September where the nurse hit a nerve putting in my IV which hurt like bloody hell. Apparently that is sort of common and it causes temporary nerve damage that takes some time to heal so my hand and arm still have this weird and painful tingling sensation when I move them certain ways or when the girls hold/squeeze my hands so that was a bummer.
I started tamoxifen and really don't seem to be having any major side effects. I felt a bit of joint pain at the beginning, and am having some issues with my feet, but my doctor thinks that I may be having issues more related to working out and being heavier than having to do with the medicine. I haven't experienced mood swings or anything really terrible yet so I am very grateful and optimistic about the next five-ten years.
My hair is growing back - of course my eyebrows are fully grown and back to crazy eighties-style in need of some waxing, my eyelashes are in but super short (and they may stay that way, that makes me sad) and I have about half an inch of hair all over my head...I'm looking forward to enough hair to have a hair style and go hat-less. Hats will never be fun again. I hate them and they make my head hot. :)
We also had our summer vacation in San Diego and celebrated both girls' birthdays. It was a nice summer after the intensity of chemo, slower than usual, but with lots of time spent together as a family. It's definitely sad to see that end.
Looking forward, tomorrow is October 1st which begins Breast Cancer Awareness month. I'm not sure what role I'll choose to play in promoting that this year, but I do think it's important. People really think you are so "lucky" to get breast cancer as opposed to other cancers, and they sort of minimize the impact thinking that breast cancer is "easy" and that no one dies from it. We all know none of that is true. I'd like to bring some awareness to the disease but in a non-annoying way...am going to have to think about that.
It's also the start of the holiday season. I am really looking forward to the holidays this year as last year I got my first biopsy the Tuesday before Thanksgiving, and then was officially diagnosed the Monday after so Thanksgiving, Christmas and my birthday (which was one week before my major surgery) were all sort of cloudy and sad and scary. This year I am celebrating life. I already talked about this in my last post, but I think that is the one gift that people who have to deal with cancer get, a sort of different lens on celebrations and family-time...
This is a good video that shows what it's like
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5eahGwZ9VLA&sf4241246=1&feature=youtu.be&app=desktop
Hope everyone is doing well!
Today was my first day back at work. And in usual Cisco style, it has been nothing but goodness. My boss wrote me a super nice welcome back note, almost every single person copied on that note wrote me their own personal note welcoming me back, and everyone is asking how they can help make the transition back as easy as possible. Cisco people continue to amaze me.
It's nice to be back and know I am getting a paycheck also. There was an issue with my disability case in early September and so I actually haven't been paid for several weeks while I appeal the premature closure. Knowing that I am back contributing to something besides my own health AND getting paid to do so is a relief. :)
So, what has been going on these past two months since I last blogged? Thankfully, not too much. I have been getting my every third week IVs of herceptin and those have been mostly uneventful excluding the one in early September where the nurse hit a nerve putting in my IV which hurt like bloody hell. Apparently that is sort of common and it causes temporary nerve damage that takes some time to heal so my hand and arm still have this weird and painful tingling sensation when I move them certain ways or when the girls hold/squeeze my hands so that was a bummer.
I started tamoxifen and really don't seem to be having any major side effects. I felt a bit of joint pain at the beginning, and am having some issues with my feet, but my doctor thinks that I may be having issues more related to working out and being heavier than having to do with the medicine. I haven't experienced mood swings or anything really terrible yet so I am very grateful and optimistic about the next five-ten years.
My hair is growing back - of course my eyebrows are fully grown and back to crazy eighties-style in need of some waxing, my eyelashes are in but super short (and they may stay that way, that makes me sad) and I have about half an inch of hair all over my head...I'm looking forward to enough hair to have a hair style and go hat-less. Hats will never be fun again. I hate them and they make my head hot. :)
We also had our summer vacation in San Diego and celebrated both girls' birthdays. It was a nice summer after the intensity of chemo, slower than usual, but with lots of time spent together as a family. It's definitely sad to see that end.
Looking forward, tomorrow is October 1st which begins Breast Cancer Awareness month. I'm not sure what role I'll choose to play in promoting that this year, but I do think it's important. People really think you are so "lucky" to get breast cancer as opposed to other cancers, and they sort of minimize the impact thinking that breast cancer is "easy" and that no one dies from it. We all know none of that is true. I'd like to bring some awareness to the disease but in a non-annoying way...am going to have to think about that.
It's also the start of the holiday season. I am really looking forward to the holidays this year as last year I got my first biopsy the Tuesday before Thanksgiving, and then was officially diagnosed the Monday after so Thanksgiving, Christmas and my birthday (which was one week before my major surgery) were all sort of cloudy and sad and scary. This year I am celebrating life. I already talked about this in my last post, but I think that is the one gift that people who have to deal with cancer get, a sort of different lens on celebrations and family-time...
This is a good video that shows what it's like
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5eahGwZ9VLA&sf4241246=1&feature=youtu.be&app=desktop
Hope everyone is doing well!
Saturday, July 26, 2014
Chemo, I've Got One Less Problem without You
Hmmm, where to begin? Well, this week I had my 30-day follow-up visit with the oncologist and got some clarity on what is happening with my body now and what to expect for the next year.
First, my blood work this week confirmed that my white blood cell counts are still low and so I was freaking out. Dr. D let me know that it is actually normal for the counts to be low at this point, and that within the next 30 days they should start to creep up (two months past chemo), but that it will basically take about a year for the levels to normalize to where they were and that I just had to give it time. This explains my exhaustion, I guess...she also said her younger patients actually take longer to recover bc we don't take the time to rest and start doing our usual 10,000 things much sooner than her older patients...and it's true, WIth two young kids there is just no stopping...so I know I have been totally pushing myself to have the summer of fun so they don't remember the cancer/chemo as much as how great it was to have mom around and do all these cool things. But geez, I am so ridiculously tired. At least now I know it is a normal tired!
She also let me know that I shouldn't expect to lose any weight until after two months beyond chemo bc it takes that long for the chemo and steroid havoc to move out of my system and for my metabolism to start working like normal again. This was also a relief bc I had thought I lost four pounds and really I am trying so so hard to get back down to my regular weight, but on the doctors office scale I weighed exactly the same as I weighed for my last four chemos which is WAY TOO MUCH. I was feeling so angry and depressed about it, and she reassured me that if I keep doing what I'm doing the weight should start dropping off in about two-four more weeks. I sincerely hope she is right.
I will repeat again that she called me "cured" of breast cancer so everything else I do at this point is prevention. I love that. Unfortunately, the prevention has all these stupid risks and so I feel like I am going to be thinking about cancer for a long time still and I don't want to. I want to MOVE ON. I am sure you all want me to MOVE ON as well. Ugh!!!
So after our visit, I got to pick up the tamoxifen prescription. So while I continue with Herceptin, which I repeat may cause heart damage and may prevent normal healing (like I bruise way easily now and the bruise will last for 6+ weeks), I started tamoxifen which may cause weight gain, mood swings, uterine cancer, blood and lung clots, hair thinning (which is an issue since I barely have any freaking hair still) and a whole bunch of other crappy stuff. But, really, uterine cancer? I know I am belaboring the point in all these posts, but making a cancer prevention medicine that might cause another cancer. It is insanity. So I have taken two pills and of course I am so ridiculously anxious again now with the worry about the side effects associated with this step.
Oh, my doctor also told me to stop drinking the green tea. She said that there is no documented evidence of green tea causing any issue with breast cancer medicines/treatment, but that it does actually hinder another chemo regiment completely...like ti stops it from working completely, and that the impact on cancer treatment is really not studied well. Um....I started drinking it bc of the antioxidant properties even though it tastes like poop, and it actually may have more of a negative impact on me????Excuse me? That was an easy pill to swallow (pun intended) and so I get to stop drinking that crap. No offense to those of you who like green tea!
I am still totally anxious. I mean when my white blood cell counts came back low this week I FREAKED OUT. I started googling every form of THE CANCER IS STILL HERE, THE CANCER IS BACK, THE CANCER SPREAD, LEUKEMIA, etc. I suspect the next five years are going to be long for me because of this, and really the all consuming fear that I will have to go through this process again. I just have to keep believing I won't, but man, fear and anxiety are powerful forces in my body!! I am hoping ti gets better and easier. I also came across this blog which describes similar feelings...the writer asks the question about whether a cancer survivor is ever really cancer-free...and I thought it was a good relatable read.
http://www.ihadcancer.com/h3-blog/07-12-2014/Are-We-Ever-Really-Cancer-Free
I am also still relishing in the love that has been sent my way throughout this process.
This week was our ten-year wedding anniversary. I never thought I would be a freaking cancer survivor just ten years out from getting married, but here I am. My husband made me a mixed CD of songs that represent special moments in our marriage (including the cancer) and really it was the best gift imaginable because it reminded me how much he loves me and how much we have been through. It is good to be loved. He has also sort of started saying if there is stuff we want to do, we should do it now because we really just have no idea what the future holds. Which is true. But which also scares the shit out of me bc I wonder then if he is thinking I am going to die like sooner than expected. And also, it forces me to figure out what the hell I want to do. Other than spend as much time as possible with him and the kids, I really don't know and I feel sort of stuck from making any major changes bc of the need for ongoing treatment...so we will see. I had really intended to spend some of my time on disability figuring out my life, but as everyone told it would be, the cancer was a full-time job and it didn't leave much time for philosophizing or sorting through a life plan. I would like to prioritize this and I plan to participate in a new workshop type thingy about using trauma to improve your life. The details about this (which is a work in progress) can be found in the blog below if anyone is interested...from a woman who was diagnosed with a very rare form of cancer very shortly following mine and I have been following her incredibly sad and inspiring blog. This is what she is taking away from and creating due to her experience with cancer. It is really amazing.
http://zenpsychiatry.com/27-ways-to-make-the-day-of-someone-with-cancer/
I also want to just insert the link below to Stuart Scott's ESPY speech about his battle with cancer. He talks about all that really matters are the people/relationships in our lives. I have been saying the same thing and couldn't agree more...It's another touching story about cancer, and also just shows how stupid cancer impacts so many people's lives.
http://www.businessinsider.com/stuart-scotts-espy-speech-fighting-cancer-2014-7
Lastly, I am inserting some pictures of a couple cool gifts my friends from college presented me with at our celebratory duffy boat rental extravaganza. It was a great day full of lots of laughter and I am so lucky to have these girls in my life...for two decades now! One thing I resolved to do when I turned 40 and I am re-resolving to do now is to spend more time with my friends. Family can be all consuming for me, but the break of hanging with people who knew me before kids, who knew me when I danced on tables and tried to join bands and was just fearless, well it's good for my heart and soul and I need to do more of it!
Thanks everyone for reading and for the continued support.:)
Sherri
First, my blood work this week confirmed that my white blood cell counts are still low and so I was freaking out. Dr. D let me know that it is actually normal for the counts to be low at this point, and that within the next 30 days they should start to creep up (two months past chemo), but that it will basically take about a year for the levels to normalize to where they were and that I just had to give it time. This explains my exhaustion, I guess...she also said her younger patients actually take longer to recover bc we don't take the time to rest and start doing our usual 10,000 things much sooner than her older patients...and it's true, WIth two young kids there is just no stopping...so I know I have been totally pushing myself to have the summer of fun so they don't remember the cancer/chemo as much as how great it was to have mom around and do all these cool things. But geez, I am so ridiculously tired. At least now I know it is a normal tired!
She also let me know that I shouldn't expect to lose any weight until after two months beyond chemo bc it takes that long for the chemo and steroid havoc to move out of my system and for my metabolism to start working like normal again. This was also a relief bc I had thought I lost four pounds and really I am trying so so hard to get back down to my regular weight, but on the doctors office scale I weighed exactly the same as I weighed for my last four chemos which is WAY TOO MUCH. I was feeling so angry and depressed about it, and she reassured me that if I keep doing what I'm doing the weight should start dropping off in about two-four more weeks. I sincerely hope she is right.
I will repeat again that she called me "cured" of breast cancer so everything else I do at this point is prevention. I love that. Unfortunately, the prevention has all these stupid risks and so I feel like I am going to be thinking about cancer for a long time still and I don't want to. I want to MOVE ON. I am sure you all want me to MOVE ON as well. Ugh!!!
So after our visit, I got to pick up the tamoxifen prescription. So while I continue with Herceptin, which I repeat may cause heart damage and may prevent normal healing (like I bruise way easily now and the bruise will last for 6+ weeks), I started tamoxifen which may cause weight gain, mood swings, uterine cancer, blood and lung clots, hair thinning (which is an issue since I barely have any freaking hair still) and a whole bunch of other crappy stuff. But, really, uterine cancer? I know I am belaboring the point in all these posts, but making a cancer prevention medicine that might cause another cancer. It is insanity. So I have taken two pills and of course I am so ridiculously anxious again now with the worry about the side effects associated with this step.
Oh, my doctor also told me to stop drinking the green tea. She said that there is no documented evidence of green tea causing any issue with breast cancer medicines/treatment, but that it does actually hinder another chemo regiment completely...like ti stops it from working completely, and that the impact on cancer treatment is really not studied well. Um....I started drinking it bc of the antioxidant properties even though it tastes like poop, and it actually may have more of a negative impact on me????Excuse me? That was an easy pill to swallow (pun intended) and so I get to stop drinking that crap. No offense to those of you who like green tea!
I am still totally anxious. I mean when my white blood cell counts came back low this week I FREAKED OUT. I started googling every form of THE CANCER IS STILL HERE, THE CANCER IS BACK, THE CANCER SPREAD, LEUKEMIA, etc. I suspect the next five years are going to be long for me because of this, and really the all consuming fear that I will have to go through this process again. I just have to keep believing I won't, but man, fear and anxiety are powerful forces in my body!! I am hoping ti gets better and easier. I also came across this blog which describes similar feelings...the writer asks the question about whether a cancer survivor is ever really cancer-free...and I thought it was a good relatable read.
http://www.ihadcancer.com/h3-blog/07-12-2014/Are-We-Ever-Really-Cancer-Free
I am also still relishing in the love that has been sent my way throughout this process.
This week was our ten-year wedding anniversary. I never thought I would be a freaking cancer survivor just ten years out from getting married, but here I am. My husband made me a mixed CD of songs that represent special moments in our marriage (including the cancer) and really it was the best gift imaginable because it reminded me how much he loves me and how much we have been through. It is good to be loved. He has also sort of started saying if there is stuff we want to do, we should do it now because we really just have no idea what the future holds. Which is true. But which also scares the shit out of me bc I wonder then if he is thinking I am going to die like sooner than expected. And also, it forces me to figure out what the hell I want to do. Other than spend as much time as possible with him and the kids, I really don't know and I feel sort of stuck from making any major changes bc of the need for ongoing treatment...so we will see. I had really intended to spend some of my time on disability figuring out my life, but as everyone told it would be, the cancer was a full-time job and it didn't leave much time for philosophizing or sorting through a life plan. I would like to prioritize this and I plan to participate in a new workshop type thingy about using trauma to improve your life. The details about this (which is a work in progress) can be found in the blog below if anyone is interested...from a woman who was diagnosed with a very rare form of cancer very shortly following mine and I have been following her incredibly sad and inspiring blog. This is what she is taking away from and creating due to her experience with cancer. It is really amazing.
http://zenpsychiatry.com/27-ways-to-make-the-day-of-someone-with-cancer/
I also want to just insert the link below to Stuart Scott's ESPY speech about his battle with cancer. He talks about all that really matters are the people/relationships in our lives. I have been saying the same thing and couldn't agree more...It's another touching story about cancer, and also just shows how stupid cancer impacts so many people's lives.
http://www.businessinsider.com/stuart-scotts-espy-speech-fighting-cancer-2014-7
Lastly, I am inserting some pictures of a couple cool gifts my friends from college presented me with at our celebratory duffy boat rental extravaganza. It was a great day full of lots of laughter and I am so lucky to have these girls in my life...for two decades now! One thing I resolved to do when I turned 40 and I am re-resolving to do now is to spend more time with my friends. Family can be all consuming for me, but the break of hanging with people who knew me before kids, who knew me when I danced on tables and tried to join bands and was just fearless, well it's good for my heart and soul and I need to do more of it!
Thanks everyone for reading and for the continued support.:)
Sherri
Friday, July 11, 2014
I Get So Emotional Baby...
So here I am 30 days since my last chemo infusion and all I can say is DAMN. I'm not sure what I expected, but I for sure thought I would have more energy by now, more hair, more eyebrows, and more control over my emotions. So let's start there. I am way, way, way MORE emotional now, and I am talking like uncontrolled emotions, than I was during chemo. Everything makes my cry. And I mean everything, including nothing at all like sitting in the car at the red light at the bottom of the hill outside the girls' school in silence and the tears just start rolling down my cheeks. Most nights when I try to go to sleep. Kind gestures. Mean gestures. Grocery shopping. It is concerning. And so I asked my Young Survivors Coalition whether this was normal and many survivors said they experienced something similar and explained that it's sort of just the pent up emotions from going through chemo and going into warrior mode. Which I sort of get. I didn't cry at all through the mastectomy and chemo, except when I had the reactions from taxotere during three of the infusions and that was crying from physical pain...and I think the chemo countdown was almost like holding my breath, preparing for physical discomfort and just getting through it, but really, it's not like I have ever cried this much ever. Not even over the 2 1/2 YEARS when Natasha didn't sleep. So it's weird to me and I hope it stops. Soon. I don't like crying, I don't normally do it a lot, and I'd like to reserve it for when it's really needed. So come on brain/body/heart/eyes. COOPERATE!
The other big disappointment is how ridiculously tired I still am. My oncologist will be checking my blood again at the end of the month, but the naturopath who ran my nutrient panel didn't find any major deficiencies, so I don't know if there is a physical problem that is treatable related to my energy levels or if this is again just sort of the fallout from the past 6 months compounded by my erratic emotions. I am just sort of a tired, clumpy, hair-less mess trapped in a cycle of being overly emotional which makes me more tired but restless at night, and then being tired and unable to sleep makes me more emotional and physically weaker and so I am not working out as much or as hard as I need to to get my health back...and I need to stop the spiral. I will of course discuss this all with my oncologist and hope she can help me formulate a plan of action.
And now let's talk about my hair...I was told that I would get a centimeter of growth per month. The husband says it looks like I have more than a centimeter, but all I know is that I am still basically bald, (but I do have sideburns coming in, see pic below) wearing hats even though it's ridiculously hot and they make my head drip sweat constantly and I miss my hair and want it back now. My eyebrows are sort of back, mostly stubble, but hopefully will thicken again over time. Eyelashes seem to be doing ok and yeah for me, my leg hair is growing back quite rapidly. (Is that TMI?)
It's also hard for me to believe it's been 30 days. Time is going by too quickly, I've been away from work for 6 months this. It is INSANE and yet it feels like no time has passed a at all.
So what is going on that is happy or fun?
Well, Chris and I celebrated me being done with chemo with some really delicious ice cream in Carlsbad (peanut butter vanilla chocolate combined with add in candies, yum!) and will probably drink the $150 bottle of wine I bought in anticipation of being done with our anniversary dinner next week. My oncologist advised me that there is a direct link between increased alcohol consumption and recurrence. And while I love me the wine and tequila, I hate me.the cancer and chemo enough to make alcohol a truly special occasion, rare treat. (I will need to find some new hobbies, however, since wine tasting and testing margaritas and sangria recipes were seriously two of my very favorite things to do, so let.me.know if you have ideas. And no I will not be turning to candy crush or whatever nonsense game.stuff is.out there.) My college friends have also arranged for a Duffy boat rental this weekend and celebratory lunch so that is very thoughtful and sweet and should be really fun!
I am also working very hard to detox and lose the weight I gained as well. The naturopath has me on some supplements (a lot of supplements, too many supplements and I know, I know, I have been totally been reading about how you shouldn't take supplements, but I figure for 30-60 days post chemo I can at least try to give my body as much boost as possible.) And I am trying to get to personal training three days a week with a couple days of cardio mixed in. As of this morning it looks like I may have dropped about three pounds, but I ended up gaining about 15 during chemo so I have long way to go. I am also physically still weaker than I was before chemo, I can't lift as much weight or for as long, and I haven't been able to run more than about 2 minutes at a time, so I have a lot of work to do, but it feels good and I feel confident I will be strong and fit again at some point in the not too distant future. Hopefully I can get a couple more 10Ks in this year and maybe even a half marathon in the fall...
I should also get a return to work date when I meet with my oncologist at the end of the month. It will likely be in either September or October which is way longer than I think anyone anticipated me being out so I am looking forward to having a plan there. This time off has been a job in and of itself (like this week for instance, I had four appointments in my calendar, all in Orange County, plus three personal training sessions, long term disability paperwork to complete, trust paperwork to complete...really, this time has been a full time job) so going back to managing work and the kids and my health and just life...well if I think too much about it, it is one of those things that brings tears to my eyes, but I really, really, really miss my Cisco people and I really, really, really miss feeling like I am making a difference, so I look forward to having a solid date and working against that.
We also are trying to have the summer of fun however we can on a super tight budget (disability checks aren't the same as paychecks, mind you), spending as much time with our families as possible, we have both girls' birthdays this summer, vacation at the end of August, lots of good stuff going on and coming up so I feel thankful (when I can see through the crazy emotions...)
I think that's it. Thanks for reading and additional thanks to everyone who has reached out to check on me. I imagine things are only going to keep getting better from here and I look forward to connecting with and hopefully seeing many of you this summer. :)
Sherri
The other big disappointment is how ridiculously tired I still am. My oncologist will be checking my blood again at the end of the month, but the naturopath who ran my nutrient panel didn't find any major deficiencies, so I don't know if there is a physical problem that is treatable related to my energy levels or if this is again just sort of the fallout from the past 6 months compounded by my erratic emotions. I am just sort of a tired, clumpy, hair-less mess trapped in a cycle of being overly emotional which makes me more tired but restless at night, and then being tired and unable to sleep makes me more emotional and physically weaker and so I am not working out as much or as hard as I need to to get my health back...and I need to stop the spiral. I will of course discuss this all with my oncologist and hope she can help me formulate a plan of action.
And now let's talk about my hair...I was told that I would get a centimeter of growth per month. The husband says it looks like I have more than a centimeter, but all I know is that I am still basically bald, (but I do have sideburns coming in, see pic below) wearing hats even though it's ridiculously hot and they make my head drip sweat constantly and I miss my hair and want it back now. My eyebrows are sort of back, mostly stubble, but hopefully will thicken again over time. Eyelashes seem to be doing ok and yeah for me, my leg hair is growing back quite rapidly. (Is that TMI?)
It's also hard for me to believe it's been 30 days. Time is going by too quickly, I've been away from work for 6 months this. It is INSANE and yet it feels like no time has passed a at all.
So what is going on that is happy or fun?
Well, Chris and I celebrated me being done with chemo with some really delicious ice cream in Carlsbad (peanut butter vanilla chocolate combined with add in candies, yum!) and will probably drink the $150 bottle of wine I bought in anticipation of being done with our anniversary dinner next week. My oncologist advised me that there is a direct link between increased alcohol consumption and recurrence. And while I love me the wine and tequila, I hate me.the cancer and chemo enough to make alcohol a truly special occasion, rare treat. (I will need to find some new hobbies, however, since wine tasting and testing margaritas and sangria recipes were seriously two of my very favorite things to do, so let.me.know if you have ideas. And no I will not be turning to candy crush or whatever nonsense game.stuff is.out there.) My college friends have also arranged for a Duffy boat rental this weekend and celebratory lunch so that is very thoughtful and sweet and should be really fun!
I am also working very hard to detox and lose the weight I gained as well. The naturopath has me on some supplements (a lot of supplements, too many supplements and I know, I know, I have been totally been reading about how you shouldn't take supplements, but I figure for 30-60 days post chemo I can at least try to give my body as much boost as possible.) And I am trying to get to personal training three days a week with a couple days of cardio mixed in. As of this morning it looks like I may have dropped about three pounds, but I ended up gaining about 15 during chemo so I have long way to go. I am also physically still weaker than I was before chemo, I can't lift as much weight or for as long, and I haven't been able to run more than about 2 minutes at a time, so I have a lot of work to do, but it feels good and I feel confident I will be strong and fit again at some point in the not too distant future. Hopefully I can get a couple more 10Ks in this year and maybe even a half marathon in the fall...
I should also get a return to work date when I meet with my oncologist at the end of the month. It will likely be in either September or October which is way longer than I think anyone anticipated me being out so I am looking forward to having a plan there. This time off has been a job in and of itself (like this week for instance, I had four appointments in my calendar, all in Orange County, plus three personal training sessions, long term disability paperwork to complete, trust paperwork to complete...really, this time has been a full time job) so going back to managing work and the kids and my health and just life...well if I think too much about it, it is one of those things that brings tears to my eyes, but I really, really, really miss my Cisco people and I really, really, really miss feeling like I am making a difference, so I look forward to having a solid date and working against that.
We also are trying to have the summer of fun however we can on a super tight budget (disability checks aren't the same as paychecks, mind you), spending as much time with our families as possible, we have both girls' birthdays this summer, vacation at the end of August, lots of good stuff going on and coming up so I feel thankful (when I can see through the crazy emotions...)
I think that's it. Thanks for reading and additional thanks to everyone who has reached out to check on me. I imagine things are only going to keep getting better from here and I look forward to connecting with and hopefully seeing many of you this summer. :)
Sherri
Saturday, June 28, 2014
Sleepless in Harbor City
Feeling extra grateful this weekend after three wonderfully exhausting days in Carlsbad with the in laws AND bc I didn't have to go in for blood work Friday or start popping the steroids before Monday's infusion. YEAH.
Now if I could just stop the worry and anxiety cycle. The girls were exhausting this weekend and unfortunately Karina did not sleep well at all in the hotel so we are very, very tired and short on patience...so I spent a lot of time yelling and breathing deeply and grabbing hands and feeling just totally exasperated with my little dumplings so as soon as they fall asleep (especially now that we are home) I feel guilty and sad and worried bc what if I don't get as much time with them as I want and I spend all this time, especially on vacation, being a mean old grump? Will they remember the fun we had? Will they know how much I love them, that they are totally MY WORLD? Who will love them like I do? I want to be around to raise them, dammit, they need me.
And once I start that cycle of worry, the tears start and so here I sit not sleeping when I am so ridiculously tired.
Hmph.
Now if I could just stop the worry and anxiety cycle. The girls were exhausting this weekend and unfortunately Karina did not sleep well at all in the hotel so we are very, very tired and short on patience...so I spent a lot of time yelling and breathing deeply and grabbing hands and feeling just totally exasperated with my little dumplings so as soon as they fall asleep (especially now that we are home) I feel guilty and sad and worried bc what if I don't get as much time with them as I want and I spend all this time, especially on vacation, being a mean old grump? Will they remember the fun we had? Will they know how much I love them, that they are totally MY WORLD? Who will love them like I do? I want to be around to raise them, dammit, they need me.
And once I start that cycle of worry, the tears start and so here I sit not sleeping when I am so ridiculously tired.
Hmph.
Saturday, June 21, 2014
Cancer Survivorship - YEEHAW!
So I am basically done with chemo...am heading into week three of this cycle, but there is no more medical intervention planned in my life related to chemo - HOLLA! I could not be more relieved. I will be brief about cycle 6 and just say that it was pretty nasty, like cycles 3 and 5,,,so I should have heeded my oncologist's warning about the cumulative effects of chemo bc the side effects were more significant than I anticipated. Mostly the nausea and exhaustion just got worse... I also got another freaking skin infection at the infusion site, so where my infection from cycle 5 on my hand is still totally miscolored and I don't have any sensation in the nerves in a large part of my hand, the cycle 6 infection is up the top part of my forearm...so far I still have full feeling and it looks a lot less nasty than the cycle 5 infection, so I am hoping for the best. But the exhaustion and nausea were the real bummers... it's hard to explain to a healthy person bc I have been healthy my whole life until this cancer adventure and couldn't really imagine what people with chronic illnesses feel like, but i just didn't really feel good almost all the time...and even now, my mouth still tastes awful, my stomach is in constant churn and I am so ridiculously tired. I drink like three shots of espresso in a latte in the morning to kickstart my sad body and then by like noon I am just pooped again. Regardless, chemo is no longer part of my life and I am delighted to see it go!!
The best news I have to share is that now my relationship with my oncologist turns into a relationship about survivorship. Yippee! Everyone keeps asking me, so are you cured? Are you cancer-free? I don't really know how to answer that question except to say that the assumption is yes - they got the cancer out with the surgery, there were no signs in the lymph nodes and chemo should have killed any rogue cells., But really it just becomes a waiting game, as I explained in a prior post. So, by clinical standards you aren't considered cancer-free until you go five years with NO Evidence of Disease (or NED) and at that point you can apply for life insurance and all that good stuff that normal healthy people do and be considered truly cancer-free. But per my oncologist, until proven otherwise, I am at this point a cancer survivor and I plan to be that way for the rest of my long, healthy, beautiful life. :) The treatments moving forward are for cancer prevention and so as I have written in many prior posts the herceptin and tamoxifen should really help me continue to be a survivor, but both will have some side effects, some could be pretty gnarly, including other kinds of cancers, but overall they should help promote long term survivorship so it is all good from this point forward. :)
I would lo9ve to write about all the life altering things I learned while going through this cancer journey, but I don't want to bullshit you. My experience with cancer really just reinforced my overall perspective on life and the areas where I was already challenged:
The best news I have to share is that now my relationship with my oncologist turns into a relationship about survivorship. Yippee! Everyone keeps asking me, so are you cured? Are you cancer-free? I don't really know how to answer that question except to say that the assumption is yes - they got the cancer out with the surgery, there were no signs in the lymph nodes and chemo should have killed any rogue cells., But really it just becomes a waiting game, as I explained in a prior post. So, by clinical standards you aren't considered cancer-free until you go five years with NO Evidence of Disease (or NED) and at that point you can apply for life insurance and all that good stuff that normal healthy people do and be considered truly cancer-free. But per my oncologist, until proven otherwise, I am at this point a cancer survivor and I plan to be that way for the rest of my long, healthy, beautiful life. :) The treatments moving forward are for cancer prevention and so as I have written in many prior posts the herceptin and tamoxifen should really help me continue to be a survivor, but both will have some side effects, some could be pretty gnarly, including other kinds of cancers, but overall they should help promote long term survivorship so it is all good from this point forward. :)
I would lo9ve to write about all the life altering things I learned while going through this cancer journey, but I don't want to bullshit you. My experience with cancer really just reinforced my overall perspective on life and the areas where I was already challenged:
- First and foremost, it reinforced for me that life is hard and not always fair, but it is still worth living and I want a long, long one!
- Second it reinforced that life is really only meaningful because of the connections we have with people and based on what we put back into this crazy world. I don't want to restate what I have written about at length, but my goodness I felt the love during my treatment and it made me a better, kinder, softer person, I swear. I also tried to give back as much as I could - by running to raise awareness, fundraising and doing the Army of Women studies, I also donated extra hats and scarves to other breast cancer patients, and just tried to be kind and compassionate not only to the other patients in the infusion center, but the medical staff and just people I encountered in every day life. Like I said about that quote where everyone is facing some kind of battle or challenge, it is true and everyone deserves some compassion, kindness and smiles. I was already sort of like that, this experiences has kicked that into high gear for me.
- It also reinforced for me that my greatest challenge at this point in my life is being a parent. I struggled as a parent before I was diagnosed and struggled during treatment, and will probably always struggle, I don't know if its bc our Tash is just a serious toughie or because I just seriously have no clue, but again no great cancer insight other than that regardless of how tired I am o0r how much Natasha is driving me crazy in any given moment, I love her and Karina, love being a parent, and am trying to keep things in perspective during the especially dark parenting days bc truly I want as many days and years as possible to parent those two monkeys, challenging as some days may be.
- It brought back to the forefront all my questions, concerns and challenges related to health that had really already been there for a long while - like what kind of damage are we doing to our bodies living in the SMOG in Los Angeles and by the POrt of LA and refinery, should we move somewhere greener? how can we eat better, whole, unprocessed foods and how can we make the time to cook more when we both have busy jobs and long days, how am I going to lose my pregnancy weight, and how am I going to deal better with stress and anxiety? I definitely feel more compelled to address these health concerns now that my body knows how to make cancer...but these were all dancing in my head just without qa lot of focus before my diagnosis.
- Lastly, it made cancer personal and I am more pissed off than ever about the prevalence of ALL TYPES of cancer, but specifically breast cancer. This is where the cancer experience has probably changed my DNA to an extent. I got my Masters in Public Health with a focus on adult obesity, but I now want to use that degree more than ever to do something about reducing cancer and making cancer treatments/cures less toxic and painful. I have no idea how I'm going to do that, but I am going to do something toward that effort before the end of this calendar year, and I will continue to do that for as long as I live. All the research says cancer incidence and survivorship is going to continue to increase and there are shortages in oncology-focused medical personnel. Something needs to be done here, including changes to our food and water supplies, air quality, access to healthcare. So this can look a million different ways and like I said I have no idea what exactly I will do, but I am doing something dammit. Cancer can kiss my ass. I am fiercely competitive and cancer is my enemy. Watch out, you evil narcissistic beast, bc I am coming.
I will probably keep this blog going at least for a little while to keep my family up to date on the rest of my treatment and check-ups, but also so people know what I am doing and what they can do to help kick cancer's ass. I appreciate everyone reading and all the support. There truly are no words to express the gratitude for all the love and kindness I have received. So thanks.
Wednesday, June 4, 2014
Overwhelmed
I'm not sure where to start this blog post, so I'll just start with this - chemo cycle 5 was not my friend. Worst nausea yet to the extent that the taste of water was disgusting and I got super dehydrated and was miserable, and not able to really move or participate in life for about 8-9 days. I also got a skin infection on my hand called cellulitis that caused like a massive burn and peeling on my hand, for which I am taking antibiotics that make me more nauseous and tired. Good times. But you know what? In 21 days chemo will be a memory and I hope to forget all these little pesky details. Forever.
I met with a naturopath today as well as I look toward restoring my health and energy after chemo and am optimistic but totally depressed about the plan after that meeting. She informed me that I should be eating a diet of 70% vegetables and even gave me specific vegetables bc she could tell I had some specific deficiencies based on my physical. She also took blood and will run a full nutrient panel and test me for the MTHFR gene (commonly referred to as the mother fucker gene) which, if I get a positive result, means there might be other stuff going on around the way my body works that will need some refinement to avoid recurrence and other problems. I go back in early July for those results and to talk about how my diet is going. 70% vegetables? I can't even imagine. Any recommendations out there for cookbooks or sites for paleo or increasing veggie consumption? I really can't imagine accomplishing that, I'm totally a bread, cheese and sugar girl, so any thoughts or referrals are appreciated on that topic!!
I also have to start figuring out what the hell I am going to do about the Tamoxifen. I am supposed to start that right away after my last chemo cycle, so the last week of June, but I hear major horror stories about it, and this big study came back this week about an alternative to Tamoxifen that might have better results and so I have to talk to my oncologist about that bc tamoxifen terrifies me. I also have about a million questions for my oncologist as I head into post-chemo, avoid recurrence stage of my breast cancer. Like, how worried should I be about living close to the Wilmington Refinery and the Port of LA? I worry about it constantly and wonder if the worry or the reality is worse for me. Also, do we need to get our house tested for radon? Is either toothpaste or deodorant toxic and potentially carcinogenic? What about microwaving? What about storing food in plastic Tupperware or ziploc containers? Milk, dairy, wine, red meat???? People have sent me a million articles about a million things and I don't know what's real and valid and should actually merit an action. And it is all stressful! But dammit, I will not have a recurrence!!!
So Monday I head in for my last chemo and I just can't believe it. I made it!! I couldn't have done it without you!! I'll continue to keep everyone posted on my progress. Thanks for reading!
I met with a naturopath today as well as I look toward restoring my health and energy after chemo and am optimistic but totally depressed about the plan after that meeting. She informed me that I should be eating a diet of 70% vegetables and even gave me specific vegetables bc she could tell I had some specific deficiencies based on my physical. She also took blood and will run a full nutrient panel and test me for the MTHFR gene (commonly referred to as the mother fucker gene) which, if I get a positive result, means there might be other stuff going on around the way my body works that will need some refinement to avoid recurrence and other problems. I go back in early July for those results and to talk about how my diet is going. 70% vegetables? I can't even imagine. Any recommendations out there for cookbooks or sites for paleo or increasing veggie consumption? I really can't imagine accomplishing that, I'm totally a bread, cheese and sugar girl, so any thoughts or referrals are appreciated on that topic!!
I also have to start figuring out what the hell I am going to do about the Tamoxifen. I am supposed to start that right away after my last chemo cycle, so the last week of June, but I hear major horror stories about it, and this big study came back this week about an alternative to Tamoxifen that might have better results and so I have to talk to my oncologist about that bc tamoxifen terrifies me. I also have about a million questions for my oncologist as I head into post-chemo, avoid recurrence stage of my breast cancer. Like, how worried should I be about living close to the Wilmington Refinery and the Port of LA? I worry about it constantly and wonder if the worry or the reality is worse for me. Also, do we need to get our house tested for radon? Is either toothpaste or deodorant toxic and potentially carcinogenic? What about microwaving? What about storing food in plastic Tupperware or ziploc containers? Milk, dairy, wine, red meat???? People have sent me a million articles about a million things and I don't know what's real and valid and should actually merit an action. And it is all stressful! But dammit, I will not have a recurrence!!!
So Monday I head in for my last chemo and I just can't believe it. I made it!! I couldn't have done it without you!! I'll continue to keep everyone posted on my progress. Thanks for reading!
Thursday, May 22, 2014
Broken Eyebrows
Well, the good news is that I have finished my 5th cycle of chemo and am down to 34 days and only one cycle left of chemo. Thank goodness. I can't wait. But for everyone who told me the time would just fly by, you were wrong. It has been agonizingly long...but it is almost over and it has not been as hard or as bad as I thought so overall, THANK GOODNESS.
The bad news is that despite my best effort to the contrary, my eyebrows and eyelashes are thinning considerably to the extent that Karina pointed at my eyebrows last week and was like "Eyebrow. Broken." From a completely vain and shallow point of view, this is like my worst nightmare. One of the fellow cancer patient blogs I read described her hairless self as a Mrs. Potato Head and it looks like I am going down that path and I am super bummed. Stupid cancer.
Monday was Round 5, and I am doing pretty well outside of the nausea and tiredness that have been present each cycle. This week has been slightly more difficult bc Karina was sent home sick from school Monday, so while I normally have my days free to just sleep and rest, Karina was home Monday and Tuesday (thankfully my sis in law Nicole was here to take the lead with her) and now the school is closed today (Thursday) through Monday so I am on double kid duty while feeling like HELL ON EARTH. My mom is here helping and it's still freaking hard. My poor kids. They are so neglected. And thank goodness for TV. I mean really, TV is saving my butt right now. Also the oncologist had told me the impacts of the chemo would be cumulative and I get that now as the nausea is pretty bad this go around and the meds aren't really helping. But I can get through it. Seriously, 34 days. That is nothing.
For now, I am just looking forward to getting through my last round, to regaining my energy and appetite/love for food, and having a sensational summer with the girls. I can't think past that right now...I have to figure out when I will go back to work, how I will adapt to herceptin only infusions and tamoxifen, how I'm going to lose the weight I've gained on chemo, how to cover my lack of hair while swimming this summer, when my final surgery will be, and then long term how to make sure I stay healthy...I feel like I need to figure out my whole life...re-figure it all out, and I just don't have the energy or motivation to do that right now. Remember I set all those goals for my time on chemo? I haven't accomplished a single one and I sort of don't care. I am just so tired and trying to make it through each day. And I'm optimistic I have time to revisit all that stuff and get back on track.
I think that's it. Sorry I don't have much of an update. Thanks for reading and for the continued support.
SHOOT - Sorry, I got all stuck in the doom and gloom and forgot about the two great walks we did in May - The EIF/Revlon Walk on May 10th and then the Walk with Love on Sunday May 18th. See pics below. Both were particularly relevant for me bc the Revlon Walk is the event that originally raised money for Herceptin research and got Herceptin tested and approved for treatment of HER2 positive tumors, which I have, and so my positive prognosis is in large part due to the success of that event over the past 21 years, It was great to be a part of it and to walk with our good friends! The Walk with Love walk benefits the Susan Love Research Foundation who manage the Army of Women studies. They are trying to recruit 1 million women to understand what CAUSES breast cancer so that they can continue to work toward prevention as much as treatment. I joined the Army of Women and have participated in two of their studies so far. Both events/organizations REALLY MATTER. And it was awesome to walk/run that one with my sisters and sister in law Nicole from Florida. So far through the three Boobablisscious Walks we have raised $2,500 toward breast cancer research. I am so proud and will continue doing an event a month so stay tuned if you like walking or running!
The bad news is that despite my best effort to the contrary, my eyebrows and eyelashes are thinning considerably to the extent that Karina pointed at my eyebrows last week and was like "Eyebrow. Broken." From a completely vain and shallow point of view, this is like my worst nightmare. One of the fellow cancer patient blogs I read described her hairless self as a Mrs. Potato Head and it looks like I am going down that path and I am super bummed. Stupid cancer.
Monday was Round 5, and I am doing pretty well outside of the nausea and tiredness that have been present each cycle. This week has been slightly more difficult bc Karina was sent home sick from school Monday, so while I normally have my days free to just sleep and rest, Karina was home Monday and Tuesday (thankfully my sis in law Nicole was here to take the lead with her) and now the school is closed today (Thursday) through Monday so I am on double kid duty while feeling like HELL ON EARTH. My mom is here helping and it's still freaking hard. My poor kids. They are so neglected. And thank goodness for TV. I mean really, TV is saving my butt right now. Also the oncologist had told me the impacts of the chemo would be cumulative and I get that now as the nausea is pretty bad this go around and the meds aren't really helping. But I can get through it. Seriously, 34 days. That is nothing.
For now, I am just looking forward to getting through my last round, to regaining my energy and appetite/love for food, and having a sensational summer with the girls. I can't think past that right now...I have to figure out when I will go back to work, how I will adapt to herceptin only infusions and tamoxifen, how I'm going to lose the weight I've gained on chemo, how to cover my lack of hair while swimming this summer, when my final surgery will be, and then long term how to make sure I stay healthy...I feel like I need to figure out my whole life...re-figure it all out, and I just don't have the energy or motivation to do that right now. Remember I set all those goals for my time on chemo? I haven't accomplished a single one and I sort of don't care. I am just so tired and trying to make it through each day. And I'm optimistic I have time to revisit all that stuff and get back on track.
I think that's it. Sorry I don't have much of an update. Thanks for reading and for the continued support.
SHOOT - Sorry, I got all stuck in the doom and gloom and forgot about the two great walks we did in May - The EIF/Revlon Walk on May 10th and then the Walk with Love on Sunday May 18th. See pics below. Both were particularly relevant for me bc the Revlon Walk is the event that originally raised money for Herceptin research and got Herceptin tested and approved for treatment of HER2 positive tumors, which I have, and so my positive prognosis is in large part due to the success of that event over the past 21 years, It was great to be a part of it and to walk with our good friends! The Walk with Love walk benefits the Susan Love Research Foundation who manage the Army of Women studies. They are trying to recruit 1 million women to understand what CAUSES breast cancer so that they can continue to work toward prevention as much as treatment. I joined the Army of Women and have participated in two of their studies so far. Both events/organizations REALLY MATTER. And it was awesome to walk/run that one with my sisters and sister in law Nicole from Florida. So far through the three Boobablisscious Walks we have raised $2,500 toward breast cancer research. I am so proud and will continue doing an event a month so stay tuned if you like walking or running!
Friday, May 9, 2014
Cycle 4
Thank you to the many of you who have been checking in on how I am doing this cycle, and apologies for not getting back to most of you. This cycle has been way better than the hell of cycle 3, so I feel like they may have finally got the nausea cocktail and the taxotere dosage/drip right. Yeah! At least that is what I'm telling myself in order to go into the last two cycles feeling positively. I have no good excuse for not getting back to people...just tired, sick of being sick and talking/thinking about cancer, and trying to manage the Natasha factor in our lives, which has been a rough ride the past couple of weeks.
So let me start by sharing what has been keeping me up at night. Our last meeting with the oncologist, before cycle 4, was very positive. She says I am doing incredibly well on the chemo, although for a couple of days we weren't sure whether I was going to be able to have the infusion because my platelet levels weren't high enough. They miraculously increased over the weekend before the infusion and so I was able to stay on schedule, which is really, really important to me so phew! My oncologist also told me that the reaction my body is having to taxotere is also like a really good inherent defense mechanism that would probably serve me well as a survivalist out in the wild (it would prevent me from eating or absorbing poisonous berries, let's say) but that with chemo it is almost like medicine has outsmarted the body so we needed to overcome that defense. I found that really reassuring.
What scared the shit out of me was the process of identifying whether my cancer has come back or metastasized after I am done with chemo and also the heart monitoring process while I continue on with herceptin. It just feels like this is never going to be over, well and I guess it won't be, but also like the process is sort of a guessing game. So Kaiser's point of view on ongoing monitoring is that much of the medical intervention...like scans, MRIs or whatever cause more harm than benefit when it comes to screening and monitoring. So when I finish chemo I will continue to meet with my oncologist every three months to discuss my overall health and the most likely way they will discover a recurrence or a metastasis is through those conversations...like I am having intense back pain that hasn't gone away, or headaches, or bloating or whatever. And when there is perceived cause for concern, I will do whatever test or procedure is required to screen for cancer of whatever body part. This is terrifying to me bc it is so unscientific and bc it is going to make me a freaking paranoid psychopath about every ache and pain in my body until the end of time. I had sort of thought I would have some sort of routine scans and be declared cancer-free for the rest of my life, like there would be a very clear and scientific path to follow, and I am super disappointed to learn there is not. (Although this week a new study was published whereby they believe they may have developed a test to detect a recurrence or metastasis before a patient experiences any symptoms...it sounds very promising, I'll insert a link when I at the computer...writing on my pad in bed right.now as it's 3:15 AM)
I will also have my heart checked every 3 months for the next year or do while I continue with the Herceptin infusions bc of the risk of heart damage from that medicine. So this week I had my first follow-up heart ultrasound and it was intense! For about 30 minutes I had those little sticker monitor things on me while the tech took ultrasound pictures of my heart while I breathed in and held it, or breathed out and held it, laying on my side, and then my back, and then from the angle of my upper stomach. The whole time I am just watching my heart beating and trying to see if I can notice anything irregular. Poor tech. I'm like, what's that? Um, the valve. And what's that? What about that? Why is that part moving? Can you see any problems? Is this taking longer bc there is an issue???? I'm sure she red flagged me for the next time. WARNING: HIGH ANXIETY PATIENT. CONSIDER SEDATING OR SCHEDULE EXTRA TIME.
I'm also not sleeping bc my boobs freaking hurt! I had my last expansion two weeks ago and so my boobs are back to pre-surgery size, but the last two expansions I guess stretched my muscle (the expanders are under the pec muscles) and so laying down is super uncomfortable and rolling over hurts and so now in addition to anxiety about stupid cancer and heart damage, and the discomfort of chronic nausea, I have actual physical pain compounding my sleep challenges. Sigh. Not trying to complain...oh wait, yah I am. I also forgot to mention how sick I am of not having hair and looking ugly. I just can't even look at myself in the mirror without a hat on. I was trying on bathing suits this week (trying to keep my eye on the prize of a summer vacation!) and I couldn't decide what looked good or not until I put a hat on (I was trying them on at home, still will not leave the house without a hat) so my freaking ugly white bald head wasn't distracting me. I hate it. It is ugly and it is mean that I have to look so bad while going through this awful process. WHINE. WHINE. WHINE. Thank goodness my sisters have bought me a couple super cute hats, as has my mom, and a couple friends have let me borrow some as well. But still, I want my hair back. NOW.
So what else????? I try to end on a more positive note so here are some random nice things I have experienced about having cancer:
1. People seem to try harder to say yes. I have been able to redeem expired Kohls cash and I swear the manager only approved it after she turned around and looked at me and saw my bald head (under a hat of course.) The waitress at Mimi's asked the manager to make an exception for one of their lunch specials so I could get the specialty salad I wanted in the two-for lunch and not have to pay the full salad price. 2. People go totally out of their way to open doors for me. 3. I get front of the line passes at the Kaiser lab. Am always a STAT and so my number trumps everyone in line.
I think that's it. I hope you all have a wonderful Mothers Day. Thanks for reading!
So let me start by sharing what has been keeping me up at night. Our last meeting with the oncologist, before cycle 4, was very positive. She says I am doing incredibly well on the chemo, although for a couple of days we weren't sure whether I was going to be able to have the infusion because my platelet levels weren't high enough. They miraculously increased over the weekend before the infusion and so I was able to stay on schedule, which is really, really important to me so phew! My oncologist also told me that the reaction my body is having to taxotere is also like a really good inherent defense mechanism that would probably serve me well as a survivalist out in the wild (it would prevent me from eating or absorbing poisonous berries, let's say) but that with chemo it is almost like medicine has outsmarted the body so we needed to overcome that defense. I found that really reassuring.
What scared the shit out of me was the process of identifying whether my cancer has come back or metastasized after I am done with chemo and also the heart monitoring process while I continue on with herceptin. It just feels like this is never going to be over, well and I guess it won't be, but also like the process is sort of a guessing game. So Kaiser's point of view on ongoing monitoring is that much of the medical intervention...like scans, MRIs or whatever cause more harm than benefit when it comes to screening and monitoring. So when I finish chemo I will continue to meet with my oncologist every three months to discuss my overall health and the most likely way they will discover a recurrence or a metastasis is through those conversations...like I am having intense back pain that hasn't gone away, or headaches, or bloating or whatever. And when there is perceived cause for concern, I will do whatever test or procedure is required to screen for cancer of whatever body part. This is terrifying to me bc it is so unscientific and bc it is going to make me a freaking paranoid psychopath about every ache and pain in my body until the end of time. I had sort of thought I would have some sort of routine scans and be declared cancer-free for the rest of my life, like there would be a very clear and scientific path to follow, and I am super disappointed to learn there is not. (Although this week a new study was published whereby they believe they may have developed a test to detect a recurrence or metastasis before a patient experiences any symptoms...it sounds very promising, I'll insert a link when I at the computer...writing on my pad in bed right.now as it's 3:15 AM)
I will also have my heart checked every 3 months for the next year or do while I continue with the Herceptin infusions bc of the risk of heart damage from that medicine. So this week I had my first follow-up heart ultrasound and it was intense! For about 30 minutes I had those little sticker monitor things on me while the tech took ultrasound pictures of my heart while I breathed in and held it, or breathed out and held it, laying on my side, and then my back, and then from the angle of my upper stomach. The whole time I am just watching my heart beating and trying to see if I can notice anything irregular. Poor tech. I'm like, what's that? Um, the valve. And what's that? What about that? Why is that part moving? Can you see any problems? Is this taking longer bc there is an issue???? I'm sure she red flagged me for the next time. WARNING: HIGH ANXIETY PATIENT. CONSIDER SEDATING OR SCHEDULE EXTRA TIME.
I'm also not sleeping bc my boobs freaking hurt! I had my last expansion two weeks ago and so my boobs are back to pre-surgery size, but the last two expansions I guess stretched my muscle (the expanders are under the pec muscles) and so laying down is super uncomfortable and rolling over hurts and so now in addition to anxiety about stupid cancer and heart damage, and the discomfort of chronic nausea, I have actual physical pain compounding my sleep challenges. Sigh. Not trying to complain...oh wait, yah I am. I also forgot to mention how sick I am of not having hair and looking ugly. I just can't even look at myself in the mirror without a hat on. I was trying on bathing suits this week (trying to keep my eye on the prize of a summer vacation!) and I couldn't decide what looked good or not until I put a hat on (I was trying them on at home, still will not leave the house without a hat) so my freaking ugly white bald head wasn't distracting me. I hate it. It is ugly and it is mean that I have to look so bad while going through this awful process. WHINE. WHINE. WHINE. Thank goodness my sisters have bought me a couple super cute hats, as has my mom, and a couple friends have let me borrow some as well. But still, I want my hair back. NOW.
So what else????? I try to end on a more positive note so here are some random nice things I have experienced about having cancer:
1. People seem to try harder to say yes. I have been able to redeem expired Kohls cash and I swear the manager only approved it after she turned around and looked at me and saw my bald head (under a hat of course.) The waitress at Mimi's asked the manager to make an exception for one of their lunch specials so I could get the specialty salad I wanted in the two-for lunch and not have to pay the full salad price. 2. People go totally out of their way to open doors for me. 3. I get front of the line passes at the Kaiser lab. Am always a STAT and so my number trumps everyone in line.
I think that's it. I hope you all have a wonderful Mothers Day. Thanks for reading!
Saturday, April 12, 2014
HALFWAY DONE
Had my last white blood cell shot today which means I am officially halfway done with chemo, only 74 days to go! Thanks to everyone who checked in on me, I am doing really well, the new nausea drug (EMEND) was helpful and so I haven't been as knocked out as last round. Even with the nausea, I am not one of those people who is so nauseous I can't eat, unfortunately, so I feel bad, but I can still eat, and then I just feel worse after eating and take more meds and so it is a bad cycle with a large part of the blame being on me for being a foodie/overeater. I still have weird aversions, so certain smells or the thought of a lot of foods makes my mouth water in a bad, I am going to throw up sort of way, but turkey burgers and bagels and rice...mostly plain stuff is going down just fine and in decent quantities. Of course, my skinny friends who have gone through chemo could not eat bc of the nausea and so lost weight...but not me...still ten pounds up. Oh well, I am feeling super strong and am HALFWAY done and am totally going to get through this hell!
My current project is researching local restaurants for my post-chemo dinner/wine celebration with the husband. (Do I have an over-fascination/addiction to food or what?) but I know exactly what I want for all courses, and so I am looking for a good place that can do sushi, steak and chocolate souffle. And where I can bring my own wine and not get charged a ridiculous corkage. Leaning toward Houstons or Flemings, but let me know if you have other recommendations.
I also started a new series - Orange is the New Black - during my last chemo so I have something new to keep me company when I wake up dripping sweat with heart palpitations in the middle of the night. It's kind of extreme based on just the first episode, but I am going to give it a try, then will try to catch up on either Mad Men or Game of Thrones, which I stopped watching during season 2.
We're also still planning our summer vacation which has changed shape like a dozen times, so who knows what we'll end up doing, but I need to get something planned so I have that to look forward to through the rest of chemo and then as I move into just herceptin infusions and the tamoxefin (sp?). (Boo.)
The husband and I are going to spend the post-chemo summer months getting Karina's room in order (it was his office and we never actually made it into a kids room, poor second kid that she is) and figuring out our long term life plan. If anything is going to be gained from this experience, I think we want to spend some time considering what really matters to us as a family, how we can get that, and how that all ties into our kids' educational plans.
Anyway, I am feeling really excited as this phase of treatment comes to the halfway point and I can see the light at the end of the tunnel (for this phase as well.) I am really optimistic that the herceptin only infusions are gong to be a breeze and that tamoxofin won't totally knock me on my ass. I hope I'm not fooling myself. It's good to feel optimistic and EXCITED. It's funny too bc everyone that I see says I look really HAPPY, or GLOWING, or EXCITED and I really do feel that way when I am not overcome with exhaustion and nausea. I feel like I am really lucky to have this chance to think about and plan for the kind of life I want to have moving forward. I want to make the most of this time and make positive changes that will benefit not only me but also the kids, everything from how we eat to where we live to how we spend our work and free time. There is so much to think about and it is all good. I am happy.
Lastly, I will be doing the Revlon Walk on Mother's Day with Chris and my mom as well as the Susan Love walk/run in Pacific Palisades the weekend after Mother's Day for anyone looking to join us on a walk. I think they are the second and third weekends in May. I also got a free photo sent to me from the Hollywood 10 K which I am posting below. I envision myself looking so much more athletic doing these things, but whatever, I did a 10K while undergoing chemo and so cancer can kiss my ass. :)
Hope you are all well. Thanks for reading.
My current project is researching local restaurants for my post-chemo dinner/wine celebration with the husband. (Do I have an over-fascination/addiction to food or what?) but I know exactly what I want for all courses, and so I am looking for a good place that can do sushi, steak and chocolate souffle. And where I can bring my own wine and not get charged a ridiculous corkage. Leaning toward Houstons or Flemings, but let me know if you have other recommendations.
I also started a new series - Orange is the New Black - during my last chemo so I have something new to keep me company when I wake up dripping sweat with heart palpitations in the middle of the night. It's kind of extreme based on just the first episode, but I am going to give it a try, then will try to catch up on either Mad Men or Game of Thrones, which I stopped watching during season 2.
We're also still planning our summer vacation which has changed shape like a dozen times, so who knows what we'll end up doing, but I need to get something planned so I have that to look forward to through the rest of chemo and then as I move into just herceptin infusions and the tamoxefin (sp?). (Boo.)
The husband and I are going to spend the post-chemo summer months getting Karina's room in order (it was his office and we never actually made it into a kids room, poor second kid that she is) and figuring out our long term life plan. If anything is going to be gained from this experience, I think we want to spend some time considering what really matters to us as a family, how we can get that, and how that all ties into our kids' educational plans.
Anyway, I am feeling really excited as this phase of treatment comes to the halfway point and I can see the light at the end of the tunnel (for this phase as well.) I am really optimistic that the herceptin only infusions are gong to be a breeze and that tamoxofin won't totally knock me on my ass. I hope I'm not fooling myself. It's good to feel optimistic and EXCITED. It's funny too bc everyone that I see says I look really HAPPY, or GLOWING, or EXCITED and I really do feel that way when I am not overcome with exhaustion and nausea. I feel like I am really lucky to have this chance to think about and plan for the kind of life I want to have moving forward. I want to make the most of this time and make positive changes that will benefit not only me but also the kids, everything from how we eat to where we live to how we spend our work and free time. There is so much to think about and it is all good. I am happy.
Lastly, I will be doing the Revlon Walk on Mother's Day with Chris and my mom as well as the Susan Love walk/run in Pacific Palisades the weekend after Mother's Day for anyone looking to join us on a walk. I think they are the second and third weekends in May. I also got a free photo sent to me from the Hollywood 10 K which I am posting below. I envision myself looking so much more athletic doing these things, but whatever, I did a 10K while undergoing chemo and so cancer can kiss my ass. :)
Hope you are all well. Thanks for reading.
Monday, April 7, 2014
Chemo Cycle 3
Yesterday I was feeling really blue after an exhausting but wonderful week off with the girls, and visit from Ann, my mother-in-law from Florida, thinking about the girls going back to school, having to do the mad morning routine and lunch packing, being apart, and of course chemo round 3. Natasha didn't make it any easier either, telling me after I explained that we weren't going to be able to drop her off or pick her bc of my chemo schedule and reminding her that I had to go to chemo so I could stop being sick, that she wishes I would stay sick so I could drop them off and pick them up and cried and tantrumed about it for a while right at bedtime. If only she knew how guilty I felt and that there was no need for her to make me feel worse. Hmph.
But then yesterday Chris and I got to have breakfast and make a Sam's Club run without kids, which was heavenly, and I got to hang out with two friends who I hadn't seen in about a year, and my sister Tiffany sent me like the nicest text message ever and there were just such nice moments in the day, it helped with the anxiety until bedtime. I think I got about three hours of sleep total, and ended up with both girls in the bed. The insomnia did enable me to catch up on Scandal though so that was good.
So today. We met with the oncologist this morning and she said even with the more extreme nausea last cycle, I am handling the chemo "really well." She said the fact that I ran a 10k on Saturday was "incredible." (Which by the way I was 75th in my age/gender category of 210 women but I am thinking I was probably in the top three if not number 1 in age/gender/active breast cancer/chemo patient, not that I am at all competitive.) She also gave me a third anti-nausea medicine this go around so I am hoping that addresses the issue. She also talked a lot about how this process is "curing the cancer", how if I get a recurrence it would be "rare" and just "bad luck." I needed to hear that bc I worry about the impact this is having on my body and my kids like everyday, so the emphasis on curing was just what I needed.
After this cycle plus the shots through Saturday I am halfway through chemo. I am so stoked. We are actively planning for post chemo celebrations and vacations and just general fun and merriment. Like I am looking for a recommendation for an AMAZING wine for a celebratory dinner post chemo for Chris and I in late June. We could get our old standby Brown Zin but I want something worthy of a LIFE CELEBRATION. Let.me know if you have any recommendations. We are also still planning our family's vacation for the summer and I absolutely cannot wait!! Looks like we will do Hawaii for just over a week, staying for a week in a house on Oahu and then ending with three nights at Aulani. It is crazy expensive but I want to do something big to celebrate my cancer getting its ass kicked, our 10 year wedding anniversary, and just spend.some quality family time together before my final surgery and return to work when life will get crazy again. I would love to do New Zealand or Paris, but I can't imagine doing either of those flights with kids. I CAN'T WAIT!!!!!
To get me through the next 80 or so days of chemo, I am still focusing on my running/walking/hiking goals every week, thank you notes, new obsession with long dangle earrings to accent my hats and draw away from my bald head, and research on eating pure, supplements, etc. (Although I am going to be honest and admit I am nowhere near eating pure during treatment, only my bacon/egg addiction has evolved into a turkey burger addiction. Like I want one for all three meals every day. And cereal and milk.) Oh and of course I am planning the girls birthday parties for the summer. I am feeling pretty good about everything. No additional weight gained since the last chemo cycle so I feel more optimistic that it is in fact water weight from the steroid. Phew!
What else do I have to share? I am still feeling incredible amounts of love, which I hope doesn't sound like bragging, because that is not my intent. That has just been the best part of having cancer, which sounds really weird, but it has made me see so much more kindness in people, to experience love from and reconnect with friends who I had all but lost touch with, to understand how thoughtful and generous people can be (and hopefully to be influenced to be more so myself!) cards, letters, messages and calls continue to roll in...many of my co-workers and friends have me on some sort of.contact cycle so I am getting surprises every week, I have had someone or on some occasions more than one person bring me fresh flowers every single week since I was diagnosed, my mom and sister Heather are back at our house this week to help out, my sister Tiffany is trying to come next cycle and my sis in law Nicole is coming out for the May cycle. A really good friend has all my cycles on her calendar in case she is needed...my sister's got me a new super adorable trendy lululemon bag for my chemo cycles (see pic), we are still getting meals and meal cards and the gift of time. Honestly I feel like a queen...a bald puffy queen, but a beloved queen nonetheless. I'm sure I'm forgetting stuff too and so apologize if I haven't sent out thank yous or recognized gifts, every single action has been really, truly appreciated. Thank you.
Hope you are all well. Thanks for reading.
But then yesterday Chris and I got to have breakfast and make a Sam's Club run without kids, which was heavenly, and I got to hang out with two friends who I hadn't seen in about a year, and my sister Tiffany sent me like the nicest text message ever and there were just such nice moments in the day, it helped with the anxiety until bedtime. I think I got about three hours of sleep total, and ended up with both girls in the bed. The insomnia did enable me to catch up on Scandal though so that was good.
So today. We met with the oncologist this morning and she said even with the more extreme nausea last cycle, I am handling the chemo "really well." She said the fact that I ran a 10k on Saturday was "incredible." (Which by the way I was 75th in my age/gender category of 210 women but I am thinking I was probably in the top three if not number 1 in age/gender/active breast cancer/chemo patient, not that I am at all competitive.) She also gave me a third anti-nausea medicine this go around so I am hoping that addresses the issue. She also talked a lot about how this process is "curing the cancer", how if I get a recurrence it would be "rare" and just "bad luck." I needed to hear that bc I worry about the impact this is having on my body and my kids like everyday, so the emphasis on curing was just what I needed.
After this cycle plus the shots through Saturday I am halfway through chemo. I am so stoked. We are actively planning for post chemo celebrations and vacations and just general fun and merriment. Like I am looking for a recommendation for an AMAZING wine for a celebratory dinner post chemo for Chris and I in late June. We could get our old standby Brown Zin but I want something worthy of a LIFE CELEBRATION. Let.me know if you have any recommendations. We are also still planning our family's vacation for the summer and I absolutely cannot wait!! Looks like we will do Hawaii for just over a week, staying for a week in a house on Oahu and then ending with three nights at Aulani. It is crazy expensive but I want to do something big to celebrate my cancer getting its ass kicked, our 10 year wedding anniversary, and just spend.some quality family time together before my final surgery and return to work when life will get crazy again. I would love to do New Zealand or Paris, but I can't imagine doing either of those flights with kids. I CAN'T WAIT!!!!!
To get me through the next 80 or so days of chemo, I am still focusing on my running/walking/hiking goals every week, thank you notes, new obsession with long dangle earrings to accent my hats and draw away from my bald head, and research on eating pure, supplements, etc. (Although I am going to be honest and admit I am nowhere near eating pure during treatment, only my bacon/egg addiction has evolved into a turkey burger addiction. Like I want one for all three meals every day. And cereal and milk.) Oh and of course I am planning the girls birthday parties for the summer. I am feeling pretty good about everything. No additional weight gained since the last chemo cycle so I feel more optimistic that it is in fact water weight from the steroid. Phew!
What else do I have to share? I am still feeling incredible amounts of love, which I hope doesn't sound like bragging, because that is not my intent. That has just been the best part of having cancer, which sounds really weird, but it has made me see so much more kindness in people, to experience love from and reconnect with friends who I had all but lost touch with, to understand how thoughtful and generous people can be (and hopefully to be influenced to be more so myself!) cards, letters, messages and calls continue to roll in...many of my co-workers and friends have me on some sort of.contact cycle so I am getting surprises every week, I have had someone or on some occasions more than one person bring me fresh flowers every single week since I was diagnosed, my mom and sister Heather are back at our house this week to help out, my sister Tiffany is trying to come next cycle and my sis in law Nicole is coming out for the May cycle. A really good friend has all my cycles on her calendar in case she is needed...my sister's got me a new super adorable trendy lululemon bag for my chemo cycles (see pic), we are still getting meals and meal cards and the gift of time. Honestly I feel like a queen...a bald puffy queen, but a beloved queen nonetheless. I'm sure I'm forgetting stuff too and so apologize if I haven't sent out thank yous or recognized gifts, every single action has been really, truly appreciated. Thank you.
Hope you are all well. Thanks for reading.
Wednesday, April 2, 2014
The Bald and the Not So Beautiful
So I am almost two weeks into this bald life and as with every aspect of cancer so far, it has not been as bad as I imagined. Not to say it has been super fun or anything, but much to my surprise it hasn't changed much about the way I go about my life. When I had asked a friend of mine at work who went through this how she dealt with facing the world bald, she said, well stuff has to get done so I just put on a baseball cap and got on with it. That is pretty much the truth and what has ended up happening with me. And actually I think people who feel uncomfortable and don't know how to react to you end up being way OVERLY nice which is not a bad thing. (I do wear a hat ALL THE TIME.)
I will say it is much harder to see people I know than strangers. Well, especially people I know who don't know I have cancer. Last week when we went to the girls' gymnastics classes, it was weird bc we are sort of friendly with the parents but it's not like I go around and am like, oh hey, howz it going, I have cancer. One of the moms was like so...what's going on with you and the shaved head. So I told a couple of the moms and of course they were great and offered to have the girls over for playdates and it was totally fine. People really for the most part of very kind and generous.
Friday night we went to Kid Concepts and a few young girls in the art room.we're trying to befriend Tash so they were asking her how old she is, her name, whether she has seen Frozen (which then broke out into an impromptu Let it Go sing along...) When they were done with Tash they turned to me and one of the girls asked me if I had gotten a haircut? I replied yes, I got a sort of extreme haircut. And she asked why. So I said, well I have to take some strong medicine that was making my hair fall out and I looked weird and spotted so I cut the rest of it off. And Natasha chimes in, my mom had a ball in her boob. So then they asked why I had a ball in my boob. I told them I really didn't know, but that it was a sick ball and we wanted to get rid of it. One of them said, ohhhhh, yah, like I get bumps on my leg sometimes when I fall and showed us a bump and bruise on her leg and that was it. Kids are so funny. And smart. And sweet. :)
One of my neighbors also told me I looked radiant and a girl at the sandwich shop up the street went.on for like 5 minutes about how much she likes me without hair bc it really shows off my face and on and on. I appreciate it and realize people are trying to make me feel better, but really I look weird and not attractive but the good news it hasn't stopped me from doing much of anything AND I still have my eyebrows and eyelashes. I hope they last. Also for some reason I can't bring myself to go to my local Starbucks where all the baristas know me bc I guess I don't want to tell them all I have cancer so I go to the drive through which is just slightly further. I'm a weirdo. :)
Other than living la vida balda I am already dreading chemo cycle round three which starts with my blood work on Friday, steroids Sunday and the infusion Monday. If the side effects do end up being worse bc of the cumulative nature of the chemo I am going to cry. Thankfully Grandma Ann has been here this week to help me with the girls spring break and my mom and sister Heather will be here Monday to help with the kids after the infusion. We are so lucky to have so much help.
That's it. Hope you are all well. Thanks for reading.
I will say it is much harder to see people I know than strangers. Well, especially people I know who don't know I have cancer. Last week when we went to the girls' gymnastics classes, it was weird bc we are sort of friendly with the parents but it's not like I go around and am like, oh hey, howz it going, I have cancer. One of the moms was like so...what's going on with you and the shaved head. So I told a couple of the moms and of course they were great and offered to have the girls over for playdates and it was totally fine. People really for the most part of very kind and generous.
Friday night we went to Kid Concepts and a few young girls in the art room.we're trying to befriend Tash so they were asking her how old she is, her name, whether she has seen Frozen (which then broke out into an impromptu Let it Go sing along...) When they were done with Tash they turned to me and one of the girls asked me if I had gotten a haircut? I replied yes, I got a sort of extreme haircut. And she asked why. So I said, well I have to take some strong medicine that was making my hair fall out and I looked weird and spotted so I cut the rest of it off. And Natasha chimes in, my mom had a ball in her boob. So then they asked why I had a ball in my boob. I told them I really didn't know, but that it was a sick ball and we wanted to get rid of it. One of them said, ohhhhh, yah, like I get bumps on my leg sometimes when I fall and showed us a bump and bruise on her leg and that was it. Kids are so funny. And smart. And sweet. :)
One of my neighbors also told me I looked radiant and a girl at the sandwich shop up the street went.on for like 5 minutes about how much she likes me without hair bc it really shows off my face and on and on. I appreciate it and realize people are trying to make me feel better, but really I look weird and not attractive but the good news it hasn't stopped me from doing much of anything AND I still have my eyebrows and eyelashes. I hope they last. Also for some reason I can't bring myself to go to my local Starbucks where all the baristas know me bc I guess I don't want to tell them all I have cancer so I go to the drive through which is just slightly further. I'm a weirdo. :)
Other than living la vida balda I am already dreading chemo cycle round three which starts with my blood work on Friday, steroids Sunday and the infusion Monday. If the side effects do end up being worse bc of the cumulative nature of the chemo I am going to cry. Thankfully Grandma Ann has been here this week to help me with the girls spring break and my mom and sister Heather will be here Monday to help with the kids after the infusion. We are so lucky to have so much help.
That's it. Hope you are all well. Thanks for reading.
Saturday, March 22, 2014
Chemo Officially Sucks
Chemo Round 2:
I'm just done with the clinical part of cycle 2 (the
infusion plus 5 days of shots) and I totally get all the drama surrounding
chemo now. I guess I was really lucky during cycle 1, and I guess a
little cocky, bc I expected this round to be similarly bearable and it was
absolutely not. This round is knocking me on my ass. Unbearable
nausea. Smells, like any smell, triggers a gag reflex, and food disgusts
me and I can’t sleep bc of horrendous stomach churn and night sweats. The
exhaustion is also ridiculous. Like I don’t
think I can move my body off the couch exhaustion but then I can’t sleep bc my
heart is beating erratically and I am so freaking hot. It has sucked. And been way worse than cycle 1. I got an upgraded order of tier 2 anti nausea
meds yesterday so I am optimistic this is going to be over soon. The good news is that being so miserable has
offered me very little time to focus on my hair and how ugly I look. I perceive that to be looking at this as the
glass half full…although I am sure that hardly qualifies. Oh and did I mention that I have a chronic eye
tick that is caused by the chemo. It's
annoying, but again, most of this stuff I can live with, I just need the time
to go by as quickly as possible!
Anyway, I am officially 1/3 of the way through the clinical
chemo part now so YEAH ME. I think I
can. I think I can. I think I can. Here
is a pic of me smiling during the second infusion bc they got the needle in on
the FIRST TRY!
The Hair
The hair is all gone.
I was letting it shed naturally, which I mentioned previously was really
disgusting, the hair was dead and it smelled and the shedding was getting
ridiculous. Human hair balls were
joining our cat hair balls in the corners of rooms and on pillows and so last
night I just had Chris shave it.
Physically, it felt really good.
Like a head massage and because I have been SO FREAKING HOT, it cooled
my head off and stopped with the itching and the stinking. (I really smelled like a dirty dog.) But I look really ugly and I look really
sick. And, because the hair hasn’t altogether
died over my entire scalp, there are black spots amongst the white scalp and I
think I sort of look like a leper. The
girls reactions were totally aligned with their respective personalities –
Karina was like “touch it, touch it!” because she wanted to touch it, and so
she did and she laughed and then she kissed my head. Natasha was like “AHHHHH!!! You look scary!” and asked me to wear a hat. Then she told me to take it off so she could
scream. Then she asked me to put it back
on. Then take it off. Until I lost it
and was like MY HEAD IS NOT A GAME! The
husband has been perfectly perfect about it.
He was like, can I call you a snow leopard? And then I had him take a picture of me with
and without a hat, and after the pic with the hat on, he was like “You are such
a cancer patient.” Kidding of course and
it made me laugh. Today I had to go in
and get my last shot alone bc Chris has taken the girls out for the day so I
can rest, and I texted him that I was not looking forward to people staring at
me. His response: If they stare, it’s because you’re beautiful
and strong. Somehow I chose really well
in the husband department.
I will not be posting
any bald photos, sorry. I look ugly and
am trying to avoid looking in the mirror when I go into the bathroom. Maybe I will get used to it, but since I only
have 95 more days of the chemo, I am hoping I don’t have to bc come the summer
I will start to have hair again and can at least shoot for a little pixie
cut. (BTW, I am not fishing for compliments. I look ugly and sick. It’s fine.
I can deal with it.)
Other Stuff
I continue to be amazed at the generosity of my friends and
family. My mom stayed with us almost this
whole week again and so I got to rest as much as possible. I can only imagine that she is very tired
because at 23 years her junior even when I was healthy, hanging with two
energizer bunnies is exhausting. And I
can’t imagine being a mom watching your kid go through chemo. That has to suck and if there is any mercy in
the world since I have to do this, my kids shouldn’t have to and I will never
know what that feels like. Cards and
gifts and well wishes continue to be sent my way. See the hilarious card below from my friend
Elisabeth. Sad that there is a market
for cancer cards, but damn whoever is making them is doing a fantastic job.
What else? I think
that might be it. We are planning on
doing the Revlon Run/Walk Mothers Day Weekend if others are interested…let me
know. And always looking for other
events in support of the cause.
Thanks for reading.
Sherri
Sunday, March 16, 2014
My 2nd infusion is tomorrow...and i'm still scared!
I sort of thought once I went through an infusion that it would be all easy peasy...old hat...MY ROUTINE. But here I am stressing with anxiety and heart palpitations hoping this cycle is as easy as the last one, hoping they get my vein on the first try, and that while my hair is almost gone and it is gross and ugly that the stuff I am using on my eyebrows and eyelashes works so that I don't look like an alien. oh and that the steroid works so the taxotere doesn't give me spasms. Lots of hope going on...and fear.
Also with the hair...I totally get men with comb-overs now. My hair is falling out in chunks and it is all dead. It stinks like skunk or dead dog. But I am clinging to those stinky dead hairs remaining like they are a vital organ. I finally had to wash my hair friday, it had been like 8 days...and man oh man did it come out. Anyway, I will do whatever I can to keep it for as long as I can. And I am surprised by this because I am really so low maintenance when it comes to my physical appearance.
I am also super pissed off bc I gained 5 pounds since my last chemo session. I have been eating really well and exercising almost every day and ugh!!! Both my oncologist and trainer said it is most likely water weight from the steroid, but double ugh!!! I am mad.
Outside of the anxiety, I am relishing the love and fun and health from the walk yesterday. I ran 4 1/2 miles, walked 1 1/2, the longest I have done since the 2007 Manhatan Beach Old Hometwon Fair 10k and I have cancer and am undergoing chemo and weigh about 15 pounds too much and I totally did it. It was awesome and our whole team Boob a Bliss pious did incredible and we exceeded our fundraising goal by 50%!!! It was truly awesome. My new plan is that just as I have an.oncologist massage during the third week each cycle, I'd like to try to do a 10 k that third week too. The third week I am supposed to be at my healthiest so I think it's a fairly realistic plan/goal. That would mean that April 5th Chris.and I would be doing the Hollywood 10k with my sister. I also aspire to try the superhero half marathon at Disney in November, but I have a lot to get through before then, so we'll see...
Anyway, that's it. Overall I am in really.good spirits, just.anxious about tomorrow which only exacerbates my ridiculous level of exhaustion.
Oh and hey, happy early St. Patrick's Day. Slainte!
Also with the hair...I totally get men with comb-overs now. My hair is falling out in chunks and it is all dead. It stinks like skunk or dead dog. But I am clinging to those stinky dead hairs remaining like they are a vital organ. I finally had to wash my hair friday, it had been like 8 days...and man oh man did it come out. Anyway, I will do whatever I can to keep it for as long as I can. And I am surprised by this because I am really so low maintenance when it comes to my physical appearance.
I am also super pissed off bc I gained 5 pounds since my last chemo session. I have been eating really well and exercising almost every day and ugh!!! Both my oncologist and trainer said it is most likely water weight from the steroid, but double ugh!!! I am mad.
Outside of the anxiety, I am relishing the love and fun and health from the walk yesterday. I ran 4 1/2 miles, walked 1 1/2, the longest I have done since the 2007 Manhatan Beach Old Hometwon Fair 10k and I have cancer and am undergoing chemo and weigh about 15 pounds too much and I totally did it. It was awesome and our whole team Boob a Bliss pious did incredible and we exceeded our fundraising goal by 50%!!! It was truly awesome. My new plan is that just as I have an.oncologist massage during the third week each cycle, I'd like to try to do a 10 k that third week too. The third week I am supposed to be at my healthiest so I think it's a fairly realistic plan/goal. That would mean that April 5th Chris.and I would be doing the Hollywood 10k with my sister. I also aspire to try the superhero half marathon at Disney in November, but I have a lot to get through before then, so we'll see...
Anyway, that's it. Overall I am in really.good spirits, just.anxious about tomorrow which only exacerbates my ridiculous level of exhaustion.
Oh and hey, happy early St. Patrick's Day. Slainte!
Tuesday, March 11, 2014
It's Raining Sherri's Hair
My hair started falling out today. I am so disturbed. I am on a shower strike as I refuse to assist the process. Also so thankful I have a drive thru Starbucks in the neighborhood so I can avoid that daily interaction. How am I going to face the world hairless? I seriously did not know I was so vain and shallow, but I am. Ugh!
Saturday, March 8, 2014
The Luck O' the Irish
There is no fixed physical reality, no single perception of the world, just
numerous ways of interpreting world views as dictated by one's nervous system
and the specific environment of our planetary existence.
I've been spending my time thinking about the power of perception. Chris
and I have always felt we are lucky in the big things in life…of course, that
list always started with us being healthy, so that is no longer the case, but
we have healthy kids, we have always been employed at great jobs with great
companies, we won our wedding, we found our house the day it went on the market
and were able to buy it with no competition, we have traveled, I met my former
boss Steve Orzeck at exactly the right moment in my life and he basically built
my career. Some people would call this
being blessed. Some might take personal
responsibility or ownership of this thinking they were diligent or persistent
or whatever, but for the most part Chris and I both feel that luck has played a
big role in our lives, helped us get where we are currently and we have been
thankful for that. (Of course we have
been unlucky in parts of life, but mostly significantly less important
stuff.) This is not to say we think that
luck supersedes hard work or honesty or whatever, but I believe that you could
be the hardest working, most likeable, honest, smart person in the world, but
you still need luck on your side…luck in my personal opinion could be the difference
between success and failure in many aspects of life. And truly, overall, I have been so, so lucky.
So, with specific regard to the chemo, I am still having no major side
effects. I have some slight, totally manageable nausea, I am really,
really ridiculously tired at some points of the day (but I was tired before
chemo)...and then I have this weird vein inflammation and itching where the
chemo was infused which the oncologist said is from the taxotere. The
exhaustion is hard with the kids. Really hard. And I try to fake
energy but by like 6 I am pretty toasted, plus Karina has been waking up around
4 am sporadically and so I am not getting enough solid sleep probably even for
a regular person, but definitely not for a cancer/chemo patient. I fear I
am going to be tired for the rest of my life. But as long as my life is long, I
can handle it. Other than that, so far so good.
I also saw the plastic surgeon this week and they finally took out the stitches. I go back next week for my first fill...let the boob growing begin! He released me for all physical activity which I have been desperately waiting for, so I had my first post-surgery run this week and met with our trainer twice. All the exercise felt amazing!!! It is such a privilege to be able to exercise, and exercise really is my cure all. Not much makes me feel as good as a great workout and a hot shower.
My hair is starting to feel super dry like straw and like it is dying. That is what I worry about every day. How am I going to face the world bald? Will I face the world bald or will be a recluse for 6 months. The oncologist says I should start losing it somewhere between weeks three and five so anytime after St. Patrick’s Day. Boo!
Monday we meet with a dietician to do an overall review of our diet against cancer risk and also to address eating during chemo, which as I previously mentioned has not been an issue. I want to eat 24/7. It is hard to reel that in...I guess at least I don't crave sugar. Just meat. Lots and lots of meat. and eggs and bacon. We also meet with the oncologist late in the day Monday to discuss the chemo, any adverse reactions and prepare for cycle two which starts next Friday with the blood work, and then the steroids over the weekend and then the infusion next Monday, on St. Patrick’s Day. I guess I’ll be having green Gatorade instead of beer. :)
A week from today is our Santa Barbara breast cancer walk. I am so proud of our team Boob-a-Bliss-cious which has raised $1,200, exceeding our team goal by 20% and I actually tripled my personal fundraising goal. It should be fun. My first 10K since before I had kids, and the fact that I am doing it while undergoing chemo makes me think I am crazy, but I figure if I can deal with cancer I can freaking run 6 miles, right? We’ll see.
I think that’s it. I could never say thank you enough for all the support I continue to receive. I did want to share these two pics of great cards I received recently. Enjoy. Thanks for reading!
I have been thinking about this a lot because of the cancer and
the chemo. I went to the Redondo Beach
Cancer Support Center last week and got to listen to the diagnosis stories of
the other 7 or so people there for the orientation and I left feeling so lucky
about my diagnosis. I am so lucky I caught
it early. I am so lucky it did not
spread to my lymph nodes. I am so lucky
I have already had and breastfed my kids.
I am so lucky I don’t have to work while I go through this. I am so lucky I’m insured. I am so lucky my surgery was a success AND
that I opted for a bilateral mastectomy considering they found pre-cancer in
the non cancer side. Right now, I am so
lucky I am having such an easy reaction to chemo. A lot of people are telling me it’s because I’m
so strong. I can tell you with 100% certainty
that this is not the case. I am a scared
baby and I don’t like pain. Something
about my body and the way I am built SO FAR is not having a terrible time with
the chemo and I am incredibly grateful for this LUCK.
So the other thought I am having is around the law of
attractions. I do wonder if there isn’t something
to that…like I am so thankful for the luck in this diagnosis and maybe some of
that optimism or openness is also attracting positive things my way. I have kind of always believed positivity attracts
positivity, but we all know I am not always positive. SO who knows, lots of stuff rolling around my
brain similar to the whole question of WHY I got this. Maybe this is just my way of reconciling the
whole ordeal or making it easier. I don’t
know. Just a lot of thinking and a lot
of being thankful that things aren’t worse.
I also saw the plastic surgeon this week and they finally took out the stitches. I go back next week for my first fill...let the boob growing begin! He released me for all physical activity which I have been desperately waiting for, so I had my first post-surgery run this week and met with our trainer twice. All the exercise felt amazing!!! It is such a privilege to be able to exercise, and exercise really is my cure all. Not much makes me feel as good as a great workout and a hot shower.
My hair is starting to feel super dry like straw and like it is dying. That is what I worry about every day. How am I going to face the world bald? Will I face the world bald or will be a recluse for 6 months. The oncologist says I should start losing it somewhere between weeks three and five so anytime after St. Patrick’s Day. Boo!
Monday we meet with a dietician to do an overall review of our diet against cancer risk and also to address eating during chemo, which as I previously mentioned has not been an issue. I want to eat 24/7. It is hard to reel that in...I guess at least I don't crave sugar. Just meat. Lots and lots of meat. and eggs and bacon. We also meet with the oncologist late in the day Monday to discuss the chemo, any adverse reactions and prepare for cycle two which starts next Friday with the blood work, and then the steroids over the weekend and then the infusion next Monday, on St. Patrick’s Day. I guess I’ll be having green Gatorade instead of beer. :)
A week from today is our Santa Barbara breast cancer walk. I am so proud of our team Boob-a-Bliss-cious which has raised $1,200, exceeding our team goal by 20% and I actually tripled my personal fundraising goal. It should be fun. My first 10K since before I had kids, and the fact that I am doing it while undergoing chemo makes me think I am crazy, but I figure if I can deal with cancer I can freaking run 6 miles, right? We’ll see.
I think that’s it. I could never say thank you enough for all the support I continue to receive. I did want to share these two pics of great cards I received recently. Enjoy. Thanks for reading!
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