I Get So Emotional Baby...

So here I  am 30 days since my last chemo infusion and all I can say is DAMN.  I'm not sure what I expected, but I for sure thought I would have more energy by now, more hair, more eyebrows, and more control over my emotions.  So let's start there.  I am way, way, way MORE emotional now, and I am talking like uncontrolled emotions, than I was during chemo.  Everything makes my cry.  And I mean everything, including nothing at all like sitting in the car at the red light at the bottom of the hill outside the girls' school in silence and the tears just start rolling down my cheeks.  Most nights when I try to go to sleep.  Kind gestures.  Mean gestures.  Grocery shopping.  It is concerning.  And so I asked my Young Survivors Coalition whether this was normal and many survivors said they experienced something similar and explained that it's sort of just the pent up emotions from going through chemo and going into warrior mode.  Which I sort of get.  I didn't cry at all through the mastectomy and chemo, except when I had the reactions from taxotere during three of the infusions and that was crying from physical pain...and I think the chemo countdown was almost like holding my breath, preparing for physical discomfort and just getting through it, but really, it's not like I have ever cried this much ever.  Not even over the 2 1/2 YEARS when Natasha didn't sleep.  So it's weird to me and I hope it stops.  Soon.  I don't like crying, I don't normally do it a lot, and I'd like to reserve it for when it's really needed.  So come on brain/body/heart/eyes.  COOPERATE!

The other big disappointment is how ridiculously tired I still am.  My oncologist will be checking my blood again at the end of the month, but the naturopath who ran my nutrient panel didn't find any major deficiencies, so I don't know if there is a physical problem that is treatable related to my energy levels or if this is again just sort of the fallout from the past 6 months compounded by my erratic emotions.   I am just sort of a tired, clumpy, hair-less mess trapped in a cycle of being overly emotional which makes me more tired but restless at night, and then being tired and unable to sleep makes me more emotional and physically weaker and so I am not working out as much or as hard as I need to to get my health back...and I need to stop the spiral.  I will of course discuss this all with my oncologist and hope she can help me formulate a plan of action.

And now let's talk about my hair...I was told that I would get a centimeter of growth per month.  The husband says it looks like I have more than a centimeter,  but all I know is that I am still basically bald, (but I do have sideburns coming in, see pic below) wearing hats even though it's ridiculously hot and they make my head drip sweat constantly and I miss my hair and want it back now.  My eyebrows are sort of back, mostly stubble, but hopefully will thicken again over time.  Eyelashes seem to be doing ok and yeah for me, my leg hair is growing back quite rapidly.  (Is that TMI?)

It's also hard for me to believe it's been 30 days.  Time is going by too quickly, I've been away from work for 6 months this.  It is INSANE and yet it feels like no time has passed a at all.

So what is going on that is happy or fun?

Well, Chris and I celebrated me being done with chemo with some really delicious ice cream in Carlsbad (peanut butter vanilla chocolate combined with add in candies, yum!) and will probably drink the $150 bottle of wine I bought in anticipation of being done with our anniversary dinner next week.  My oncologist advised me that there is a direct link between increased alcohol consumption and recurrence.  And while I love me the wine and tequila, I hate me.the cancer and chemo enough to make alcohol a truly special occasion, rare treat.  (I will need to find some new hobbies, however, since wine tasting and testing margaritas and sangria recipes were seriously two of my very favorite things to do, so let.me.know if you have ideas.  And no I will not be turning to candy crush or whatever nonsense game.stuff is.out there.)  My college friends have also arranged for a Duffy boat rental this weekend and celebratory lunch so that is very thoughtful and sweet and should be really fun!


I am also working very hard to detox and lose the weight I gained as well.  The naturopath has me on some supplements (a lot of supplements, too many supplements and I know, I know, I have been totally been reading about how you shouldn't take supplements, but I figure for 30-60 days post chemo I can at least try to give my body as much boost as possible.)  And I am trying to get to personal training three days a week with a couple days of cardio mixed in.  As of this morning it looks like I may have dropped about three pounds, but I ended up gaining about 15 during chemo so I have long way to go.  I am also physically still weaker than I was before chemo, I can't lift as much weight or for as long, and I haven't been able to run more than about 2 minutes at a time, so I have a lot of work to do, but it feels good and I feel confident I will be strong and fit again at some point in the not too distant future.  Hopefully I can get a couple more 10Ks in this year and maybe even a half marathon in the fall...


I should also get a return to work date when I meet with my oncologist at the end of the month.  It will likely be in either September or October which is way longer than I think anyone anticipated me being out so I am looking forward to having a plan there.  This time off has been a job in and of itself (like this week for instance, I had four appointments in my calendar, all in Orange County, plus three personal training sessions, long term disability paperwork to complete, trust paperwork to complete...really, this time has been a full time job) so going back to managing work and the kids and my health and just life...well if I think too much about it, it is one of those things that brings tears to my eyes, but I really, really, really miss my Cisco people and I really, really, really miss feeling like I am making a difference, so I look forward to having a solid date and working against that. 


We also are trying to have the summer of fun however we can on a super tight budget (disability checks aren't the same as paychecks, mind you), spending as much time with our families as possible, we have both girls' birthdays this summer, vacation at the end of August, lots of good stuff going on and coming up so I feel thankful (when I can see through the crazy emotions...)


I think that's it.  Thanks for reading and additional thanks to everyone who has reached out to check on me.  I imagine things are only going to keep getting better from here and I look forward to connecting with and hopefully seeing many of you this summer.  :)


Sherri