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It's hard to explain what it feels like to get a
cancer diagnosis. Terrible, scary, surreal, vomit-inducing, like a death
sentence, or maybe the worst breakup of your life. I'll just go with bad. It
feels really bad.
When I was originally diagnosed in December 2013
I knew as soon as the call came through. They email when it's nothing, but they
call when it's cancer. They had told me that up front I assume to sort of
mentally prepare me. I was driving Natasha up the hill to preschool and Kaiser
called and told me to pull over. They told me it was breast cancer and they
were sorry and gave me a bunch more information about all the appointments I
would need. All I could think about was to keep my responses on the phone
upbeat and short so little 4 year old Natasha didn't know I was getting bad
news. Then I had to continue up the hill with shaking hands, and tears spilling
down my face, to get her to preschool. I dropped her off in class, turned
around and started bawling walking down the hall to the exit. This was a new
preschool - we'd been there maybe 6 months - and I didn't know anyone well
enough to be like HELP ME!!! I'm not actually sure how I made it back
home that day. Or how I told Chris. I just know there were a lot of tears and
chronically shaking hands.
This time around was maybe worse?
In late January/early February I noticed what
looked like a rash on my left boob. I tried keeping it really clean and
dry in the hopes it would go away but, when it didn't, I contacted the oncology
office. They brought me in for an appointment with the nurse practitioner who
did a full exam, said she thought it was a skin irritation and referred me to
dermatology with potential scans needed depending on what the dermatologist had
to say. She had me use hydrocortisone cream on the skin. The first available
dermatologist appt was about three weeks away and by the time it arrived we
were under physical distancing orders and so the appointment became a tele appt
(by zoom). Without seeing the rash in person the dermatologist decided to
prescribe a steroid ointment and give it two weeks to clear up before bringing
me in for a biopsy. After two weeks there had been no change, so he brought me
in for a biopsy.
Since the bumps are visible on the skin, and
even though the dermatologist mentioned cancer a couple times, I really thought
it was nothing. I mean the oncology NP looked at it and thought it was nothing.
So when the dermatologist called last Friday (4/25) to tell me it was showing
as metastatic breast cancer I was shocked. Last time my whole process started
with whether it was breast cancer, this time since I'd sort of cleared oncology
in my brain, I was optimistic it was a skin issue. I did not expect the
diagnosis which made it worse - I felt stupid on top of being scared and
shocked, like why didn't I expect this, or know this would be the outcome, and
what did I do to deserve this, why was I being punished.
As is true across the country, we are all
cooped up at home, and the girls were on their classroom zooms when the call
came in. I was sitting at the kitchen table, which has become my office, and
Chris was at his work desk. We get terrible cell reception in our home since
we're a little out in the boonies, so when the dermatologist called, I had to
go in the backyard to hear him. After the dermatologist told me, I yelled to
Chris, IT'S METASTATIC BREAST CANCER WHICH MEANS I AM GOING TO DIE SOON. The
dermatologist was like - that is not what it means - but you do have to get in
touch with oncology...and I'm sure he said a lot of other things I didn't hear.
What I could clearly hear was the neighbor kids playing basketball and some
women walking by the side of the house exercising and chatting and my mind was
like OMG - DON’T YOU KNOW THAT MY WORLD HAS STOPPED AND I HAVE CANCER?!?!?!?
Like I expected the world to stop or pause for me.
Immediately after the call, massive anxiety set
in (evidenced by how I shared the news with Chis), which for me is a nauseous
stomach, tight chest, shaking hands and inability to breathe. I thought I was
going to pass out. Somehow I found my way quickly into work mode - this is just
information - what can you do with this information to work through this
situation - there are practical next steps you can take. I immediately let my team
and boss know I needed the day off and shared the diagnosis, and then called
the Oncology office to get an appointment to come in to start talking next
steps. I let my kids know so they would know why I appeared stressed and
distracted and potentially cried. I let my family know, my sisters and mom, and
a few close friends.
Then I stopped functioning altogether.
Once I had no next step, I was paralyzed with fear. I reached out to an art
therapist in my network and asked for help and she was available in a few
hours, so then I distracted myself with some work slides I needed to make,
cried a lot, focused on breathing...and that has been my state ever since.
Daily emotional swings, lots of crying and trying to breathe out the anxiety.
That first day, I didn't eat at all and only got two hours of sleep. The
next day (Saturday) I found my way to an emergency helpline and called twice to
just sit on the phone with someone who could help me breathe. I connected with
a different oncologist whose daughter I work with and he was very reassuring
and helpful and agreed to take me on as a patient and see me over the weekend.
Since then, there has been less crying, although it hasn't stopped
altogether. There is no joy in eating like there usually is so I'm barely
eating and I can’t sleep. I'm exhausted - I mean being a working parent
and also living through Coronavirus times is exhausting enough - but I am more
exhausted bc of the chronic anxiety, not eating and not sleeping, so I usually
fall asleep pretty well, but wake up after only a few hours and then am stuck
with my terror and sadness until it’s morning enough for me to get up and start
the anxiety and fear circle all over again..
I’m really sad I have cancer again. I don’t
understand it. I went with the most aggressive proactive treatment available to
me 6 years ago, I have shown up to all check ups, done my blood work, eaten
lots of plant based meals, fruits, and veggies, taken my hormone blockers
diligently. I volunteer and give to charity. I love my job and care about it
passionately. It seems unfair and mean to have to go through this again. Like
it’s personal and there is some reason it’s me. I’m sure I’m also irate
somewhere inside my soul, but right now I am sad for me, and for my family who
has to go through this again and think about sickness and death, especially my
kids.
I’ll NEVER be one of those people who is like -
well in some ways I’m grateful I got cancer. Nope. I’m a reflective person,
grateful for my life and aware of how lucky I am even in the best of times, so
I don’t feel like I need cancer to teach me those lessons. I don’t want it. I
want to give it to someone who sucks and deserves to suffer. But I can’t and I
know that’s just wasted energy. But there’s a helpful tip for you - support in
the form of of anything that starts with “but think of the upside of having
cancer” is a big no thanks for me.
Also, I guess I should be careful about using
the word “never.” I’ll get to that in my next post once I know what my
treatment protocol will be. Thanks for being here to read my thoughts and
support me.
