Epiphany (which took way too long!)

I had the most amazing experience of doing a facilitated visualization to help me overcome anxiety about my upcoming scans (TOMORROW!).  I have been seeing an oncology-specialized therapist and we have been working on anxiety reduction and finding more joy but she has a specialty in guided meditation and visualization for chemotherapy. I am not too stressed during my chemo sessions - I'm not sure why - I mostly tune out and watch something funny, text with my sisters, and assume the chemo is working.  But when it comes to scans (which I didn't do at all during the first cancer) I get VERY anxious about the process itself and the outcome. So we spent a session doing an interactive visualization, which she then used to create a guided visualization I can take with me to my remaining chemos (which she thought would be good practice even if they don't stress me out) and the scans. (There were two chemos left at the time we did this, now there is just one, woohoo!)

So what's the epiphany? Well, let me start by saying she had me use my own words to describe how I imagine the chemo working to get rid of the cancer. If you've been reading this blog through my whole cancer 2.0, you'll remember that the oncology nurse I had during my first chemo called Adriamycin "the assassin", and I sort of loved that.  However, when I think about the chemo doing its job, I don't really see it as like an attack or violent, so using my own words to describe what I believe is happening was powerful, because it made me feel more connected and at peace with the process. I see it as a bright yellow light that sort of removes the darkness of the cancer cells, and I see it being led by a teeny tiny little amorphous conductor.  She had me draw a picture of this which I will paste below. So now I have this strong visual to cling to around healing and dissolving cancer.

The epiphany came through the second part of the visualization which was geared toward the scans.  She had me think about everyone and anyone who has had my back at any point throughout my entire life. It could be my doctors now who are treating my cancer, or an elementary school teacher, or neighbors, friends, families, coworkers, the point was EVERYONE who has had my back ever. She had me imagine them all crowding in to the room where the scans were being done HAVING MY BACK and sending me warmth and healing and positive vibes, and she spent a good chunk of time letting me reflect on who would be in that room, and the number of people in that room. If you're reading this, I imagine you are in that room.  She reinforced how full the room was. How the room spanned every part of my life. And, how everyone in the room was there with me to receive the good news of healing together. (Gosh, even thinking about it makes me cry.) 

Anyway - it made me realize I had missed a major point through the chemo phase of this process, which is that I AM NOT ALONE. I have felt so lonely because no one I know has dealt with this same experience, in my mind the hardest and scariest experience imaginable, and so I felt like I was all alone. The visualization woke me up to the fact that I have hundreds and hundreds of people with me and it was so comforting.  As I am writing this I realize a bunch of you might think I'm an idiot...I mean the number of gestures of kindness and wellness sent our way have been remarkable so it's not like I didn't think people were wishing me well, I think the visual of people being in the room with me awiting good news was powerful and changed the way I was looking at my situation.  I hope that makes sense.

Anyway, that's all I wanted to share and I wanted to make sure I shared it before my scans tomorrow because if it's not the news I want from the scans I will likely lose connection with the feelings of comfort I have gained over the past week (hopefully I can work back to feeling them.) And I wanted to say thank you to everyone reading this for helping me get me to where I am today, for shaping me and for having my back always but especially right now.  I truly would not be who or where I am today without you.

If you have any energy to spare (and I know it's sparse right now bc things are HARD across the board for everyone) please send some my way for clean scans tomorrow which will set the path for the least difficult surgical protocol in November.

Here is the pic I made of the conductor of light dissolving the cancer cells during chemo. I draw like I'm four, but that doesn't diminish the power of the visual for me. LOL.

Be back soon with an update from the scans and next steps!

Sherri