The Waiting Game and Caging our Kids

January 16, 2014

Happy birthday to me!  And my goodness am I feeling the love.  I mean I was already feeling the love through my blog and everyone’s supportive messages wrt cancer, but now that it’s my birthday it’s like 24 hours of magnified LOVE.  Yeah for me!  For those who don’t know me well, my birthday is my very favorite day of the year and I was thinking this might be a depressing one, but nope. It has been really fantastic.

To be honest, I have been feeling really good this past week.  At peace maybe.  Optimistic.  Healthy. Strong.  All the outpouring of love and offers for help have been incredible.   I told my husband everyone I know is a better person than I am.  I must have some kind of friend/family/coworker magic that makes all these incredibly generous and kind people accept me into their lives and network (and keep me there!).  So thank you.  EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOU.

The only medical updates are that the surgeon confirmed that the lymph nodes are clear (they do additional testing after the surgery and there is a 5% chance that there could have been a false negative and the lymph nodes could show cancer spread, but mine did not, Yeehaw!) and I still have the double mastectomy and immediate reconstruction scheduled for next Thursday (And still every single day wonder should I just do the single?  Should I not reconstruct at all?  How much pain am I going to be in? YUCK!) Oh I did end up with a seroma under my armpit from the lymph node surgery, so I have this like golf ball sized bump under my armpit and can’t actually rest my arm all the way down, which looks gross and sort of hurts, but it is apparently nothing to really worry about.  They are going to drain it during surgery next week.  So again, all good news/no new news in the world of breast cancer.

We did visit with the surgeon yesterday as our final consult before surgery and we had nothing to talk about so we spent the time brainstorming survival tactics for post-surgery with two spaztic kids.  It was pretty hilarious.  She suggested a life jacket, an inner tube or a running cage whereby the kids could run sprints and then would be caged in from touching me or pulling out my drains.  It was hilarious.  She even skewed her face up to mimic the kids face planting against the cage…I just love her.  Oh and she is super huggy. She hugged me like three times.  I feel like I am in the care of a friend who knows me and cares about me and it is nice.

OK, so how have I been spending my waiting time?

Well, for starters I got my hair chopped off.  It was a two-step process because my very kind and conscientious hair stylist who is also a recent breast cancer survivor refused to cut my hair as short as I wanted it the first time I went in because she said my hair was too thick and curly and that I would not like the way it looked super short.  So she cut it moderately short.  But after leaving I realized I didn’t really care how bad it looked, I wanted it short short so that when I have chemo and my hair falls out (which they say will happen after the first treatment) it won’t be so traumatic.  I hope it works.  And funny enough, it seems more and more that Amy Robach and I are soul sisters, because I guess she did the same thing the day after I did.  She also has the same diagnosis. Is the same age.  And had a double mastectomy.  This whole scenario is too common, really.  I can’t say enough how much I hate cancer.  Here is the article about her: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2014/01/15/amy-robach-hair_n_4603252.html?ir=Media.  How she came back to work just three weeks after the mastectomy and was on national TV and is working while doing chemo, well I just don’t know.  I don’t think I will be doing that, but we’ll see.

 And here is a pic of me with my short hair and my little love Tasha Belle.  She didn’t even notice I don’t think that I got my hair cut (or she hates it and doesn’t want to say anything offensive.)  I guess that is one benefit of not really caring too much about how I look – I don’t even think how I look is within her frame of reference.  

 

We bought a reclining chair as well.  We had three different people recommend getting a recliner for immediately following the initial surgery and then following the final reconstruction surgery to help with sleep (I have to sleep on my back and CAN’T roll over) and to help me get up.  Apparently I won’t be able to use my arms for some period of time.  So we bought this super cozy lift up recliner that I think once I am healthy we are all going to fight over bc it is NICE and snuggly!  When we told our surgeon about this purchase she thought we were crazy because she feels like I am going to recover quickly and will be up and running.  I hope she is right.

 

I am also trying to establish some goals for this year that are not related to cancer, and here is my preliminary list.

1.       Walk/Hike/Run 520 miles in 2014 (about 10 miles per week, so far I am meeting this goal thanks to hikes at Trump with the husband)  Do as much of this WITH friends and family as possible.  Align this goal with breast cancer/cancer walks and runs when possible.

2.       Try yoga again.  Give it a 30-day trial when I can and see if it sticks and helps manage my wandering and alarmist mind.

3.       Write one thank you card, note, email or IM every day so everyone knows how grateful I am for all the love and support.

4.       Call and catch up with one friend/family member each week (or get together in person when possible).  I am terribly over reliant on texting and Facebook, I want to make it a practice to get back in touch directly in person with the people in my life.

5.       Expand my nutritional knowledge and related capabilities around healing and whole foods.  Learn to make tomato basil bisque from scratch (I want to do the 100 Days recipe, and may aspire to learn maybe 3-5 soup recipes from scratch) and try two new recipes each month from the Cancer Kitchen cookbook.

6.       Maintain my current weight (or weigh less) through December 31, 2014.  Everyone knows I still have about 20 pounds to lose bc of combined pregnancy weight between the two girls, but I am being told it is going to be exceedingly difficult to NOT gain weight while on chemo bc of the steroids and food cravings, and then while I am on hormone blockers for the next 10 years.  I say eff that.  If Kylie Minogue can look hot after going through this and while on hormone blockers, then I can be fit!

7.       Learn to say 25 key phrases in Maori

8.       Spend a week  (or more) at Aulani in Hawaii

9.       Draft a business plan for two businesses I want to consider starting and running at some point in the future.

10.   Volunteer to help another breast cancer patient or at a breast cancer center once my treatments are over (this one is breast cancer related, but I think it’s important)

I am hoping all of the above keeps my mind engaged and makes this year more about health and dreams and connections than cancer…if you have other suggestions, I am totally interested in how other people got through their treatment mentally/psychologically.

I have also been getting up to speed on the incredible benefits Cisco offers to employees with health issues.  In addition to like everyone I have ever worked with at Cisco who found out about my diagnosis sending me the most thoughtful and kind notes and cards, I have received flowers from I think four different people/teams, Shari’s Berries and a one month membership to an organic farm delivery service.  I know I am like a broken record, but Cisco employs the greatest people on earth.  Our SVP of HR sent me a personal note and referred me over to our benefits lead who let me know about these just really insanely helpful benefits that Cisco has specifically for sick employees.  I get an assigned HR ambassador who gets all my benefits and HR questions answered, so instead of having to contact various departments or opening up a case, this specific individual does all that for me.  We also have a second opinion service where we can have our medical records reviewed by SMEs in whatever illness we have, and these are experts from the most prestigious medical institutions like the Mayo Clinic, John Hopkins, etc.  We also have access to Stanford Medical center resources and their library…there is just a lot.  I am so very fortunate to be employed by the best company in the world right now.  How I have managed to be so lucky in so many areas, I really don’t know, but really, I am so lucky and I hope that doesn’t sound like bragging!

Many of you have also asked what you can do for me and I think I mentioned previously that we are trying to create a care log which we will distribute if/when we are able to get it together.  In the meantime, a colleague I met through the Cisco Cancer Support Network (another incredible benefit at Cisco) set up a meal plan for me at Take Them a Meal.  The link is here: https://www.takethemameal.com/meals.php?t=KZSA2797  I don’t know a lot about the service but for those of you who mentioned wanting to bring us meals, there is like a calendar there starting two weeks after my surgery (we have family in town for the first week, and then ordered a meal delivery service for ourselves the second week) where you can sign up to bring or send something.  NO PRESSURE.  I am totally only posting this because a whole bunch of you have asked.  I have also found some super cool meal delivery services in Los Angeles – paleta.com and sunfare.com that I think we are going to try to leverage.  I even sent their contact details over to Cisco to get them potentially set up as Cisco discount suppliers.

 I think we are also going to need some help with the girls, especially during weeks 2-5 after my surgery, and again I am incredibly grateful for the number of you who have offered to help care for them.  Hopefully this will be in the care log, but what would be helpful is either a scheduled play date where I can come too but where they are engaged at activities that mean I don’t have to pick them up or get on the ground and play with them, or playdates/destination meet ups again where either I don’t have to be there or there are activities where they will be engaged so I don’t have to worry about moving around, picking them up, etc.  And I realize it is hard because we have two, so for the many of you who offered, THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU.  I want them to still have plans and to still be social so they don’t remember this year as being painfully lonely or disappointing or whatever. 

What else can I share?  I really have the best family and friends I could ever hope for.  My husband in particular is really just incredible.   Every day he makes me  feel loved and beautiful and like whatever happens with my body and hair and anything else, he is still going to think I am beautiful.  And I know it’s sincere by the way he looks at me.  I am incredibly grateful for that because it makes me feel normal and like I am going to be OK.  My mom and sister in law (who works full time and has a 4 year old herself) are both going to stay with the girls when I am in for surgery and my sisters are coming in right after to help for a few days.  I just feel loved.  And grateful.  I’ll shut up about bc I know I am being redundant.

I think that’s it.  Thanks as always for reading.

Sherri