#ChemoLife

I started writing a blog post about community and belonging and it was feeling very academic, so I decided to just switch gears and post generally about how I'm doing (which is the question I get asked most often from people.)

Physically, there is some discomfort that I have to deal with - the exhaustion and nausea in the 4 days or so after chemo is MUCH HARDER than when I did chemo in 2014. I sleep a lot, I eat really bland food (and you all know how much I love food), and I have random sensations and feelings in all sorts of other body parts - like my head and eyebrows are tingly and itchy as all my hair starts falling out, and my spine and hips are achy because I get this medication which prompts white blood cell production in my bone marrow. So physically it's just a matter of getting through and finding the things that bring relief.

Mentally, for a person who tends toward being anxious, I am surprisingly calm and grounded right now, despite the physical stuff. I don't know why that is - maybe because it's my 2nd time doing this, maybe bc there is no choice but going through this, maybe I'm just too tired to get wound up. I'm honestly not sure and I am surprised by my general lack of anxiety. I worry about the endurance needed to get through the MANY phases of treatment, so I try not to think about it. I feel so tired and I have 14 more rounds of chemo ahead of me.  How can I endure that?  And, chemo is just the first of four phases in my treatment path. It's overwhelming if I think about it all together, so I am just looking at phase 1 - chemo - right now and will deal with everything else later. I just need to get through Phase 1!

Some things I'm struggling with:

• Guilt about putting my family through this again. It sucks for me, but it also sucks for my husband, kids, mom, sisters...to have to worry and for Chris to just watch me be uncomfortable and tired. My kids are totally getting jacked because of Covid and because outside of what the school is offering them, I don't have the energy to offer anything else, so they are entertaining themselves, which means LOTS OF ELECTRONICS. Before the cancer, I'd organize PE and art. Now I do nothing. 
• Angst and sadness about losing my hair and likely my eyebrows and eyelashes. It doesn't matter how many people tell me this is not a big deal, and I am truly not a vain person, it is a big deal to look so sick and have the world know just by looking at me that I have cancer and to just not want to look at myself in the mirror. I hate it. The process of growing hair back sucks too, and my hair was NOT NORMAL last time for over a year. (Did I mention I'm on a shower strike?  I refuse to shower, brush my hair or dunk my head in the pool so as to avoid helping the hair along with falling out. Back in 2014, I was like SHAVE IT. Guess I lost some of that sass.)
• FOMO, a lack of "purpose" and some boredom related to not being at work (although it is truly a relief to not have to worry about meetings, schedules and timelines). I MISS the work and the people like crazy!
• Some fear and uncertainty about the future and effectiveness of treatment. My oncologist likes there to be a rational explanation for recurrence and I am an oddball case. To get breast cancer twice in my 40s is unusual and they are hypothesizing that it's related to what they call "postpartum breast cancer" which is, regardless of your age when you have your children, if you get breast cancer within 5 years of giving birth, the cancer tends to be more aggressive and less predictable.  My kids were 1 and 4 when I was diagnosed in 2013. (not very comforting when they are working toward "curing" me again.)
• Some feelings of loneliness and isolation related to the above (hence the original post idea about belonging - like where do I belong right now???) It's weird to get chemo and to be 20+ years younger than anyone else there. I only know one other person who has had cancer and chemo twice - even the support groups and support pages on Facebook don't have people I can directly relate to. It's hard to see people resuming some aspects of normal living (post Covid) and to feel left behind as I continue to diligently self-isolate for the foreseeable future. I sometimes feel like I'm alone in this shit situation and I don't like it. I love seeing my people at work THRIVING and doing cool things, and I also feel sad I'm not contributing.

What's helping:
The ASTOUNDING kindness, thoughtfulness and generosity of people across my many communities. Every single day people make sure I know I am being thought of and wished well. This takes the form of texts, calls, emails, treats, meals, coffee, flowers, tequila, salsa, drawings, cards, tarot readings. A woman I work with who I have only met in person 2-3 times, but who is like a goddess of compassion, sent me the most exquisite bottle of tequila I have ever seen in my life. Several moms from the girls' school reach out every time they run to the grocery store to see if there is anything I need. I subscribed myself to a flower subscription service because I felt like I needed color and beauty in my house on the regular, but I didn't need to, because people have sent me bouquets of flowers every week since I was diagnosed (including the instructors and owner from Barre3, where I work out). We've received donuts and ice cream (thanks, Ceej!), popcorn sets, smores kits, brownies, apple strudel, See's Candies galore, soups, meal delivery gift cards, entertainment for the kids. People who feed people (my former boss Susan, my sister Tiffany, my friend Shannon) have brought over week's worth of meals. My friends from college, who I had not really connected with since moving to Santa Barbara, invited me to an ongoing zoom and now we are back in touch after all these years, which I love!

The positivity and confidence of my oncology team is also helpful. My oncologist's main directions to me are to get outside in nature to move and not to worry which makes it easy to focus on the essential things.

Anything that makes me laugh. My kids and husband and many of you are helping here, so thanks for being funny, as is binge watching the Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt and watching romantic comedies during chemo.

I'll close with some pictures:

I had Chris take my picture Tuesday after chemo #2 so I had a final picture of me with hair. I should have done it before chemo because I look tired and you can see my hair is already thinning.  Whatever, this is the best I'll look for probably a year, or maybe ever again. :(  I actually try to look cute when I go to chemo, like looking cute is going to help my treatment work better. (Weird!)

I am not allowed to pee in the same bathroom as the rest of the family because of the toxicity of the chemo drugs, so Natasha made signs and posted them all over our front bathroom so I wouldn't forget. These crack me up every time I see them.

I posted this on Facebook, but we have a family of House Finches nesting right outside our French doors to the backyard and they make me happy. They're like a part of the family now.

This inspiring quote (thanks Lucy).  I love that it ends with being loved. 💗

For everyone who has reached out to ask how you can help:
My sisters created a meal calendar, but we haven't posted it yet because we had a lot of food supply already. Probably next week or the week after, we'll post it if people are interested in making or sending a meal our way. I think we'll just need help in the initial days after chemo when I'm exhausted, but we'll be clear on the dates.

I also love hearing from people in any form so keep sharing news, jokes, pictures, etc.  I appreciate every single one.

Keep sending healing energy my way.

I appreciate you and thank you again for reading.