Bliss Beats Cancer: Getting by with Math and Mind Games

I have always been pretty good at math and data. I used to tutor math students in high school. When I went to college and became a Comms and English major, I appreciated good data and numbers and used them whenever possible in my comms projects. In my career, as much as I loved being a recruiter, I was really focused on the numbers behind the magic, and ultimately (and pretty quickly) moved into programs and operations because it synced with my brain more than the softer skills used in recruitment. I designed a really early metrics program for recruitment which won an award. At Sonos, when I moved into People Programs, I couldn't let go of recruiting operations or analytics and always nose my way into those areas where I no longer have a job, just a strong interest that I can't let go of. I quantify EVERYTHING.

Which leads me to how I am getting through the freaking long road of cancer treatment (as previously described) which runs May 2020 to January 2021, which is to make it a bit of a math exercise and mind game.

Here is how I'm using math to measure progress and make it feel manageable. As of Monday night 7/6:

I am 100% done with phase 1 of treatment! Phase 1 was the GNARLY AC drug combo (the assassin!) every other week for 4 doses over 8 weeks. Each infusion was 25% of phase 1 and I knew generally where I was on the schedule of side effects each cycle. In my mind I would be like, you are 90% done with the suffering THIS CYCLE, you can do this! Sometimes I'd even watch the hours tick by on my phone and be like probably 27 more hours of feeling like this, you can do this. (Of course there was also crying and whining, too...but the mind games and inner encouragement helped reduce some of that.)
I am 25% done with ALL the chemo 2.0 infusions (Phases 1 and 2)! I have a total of 16 rounds and have finished 4 of 16 which is 25% of the total chemo needed.
I am 40% of the way through the time committed to chemo! I will be doing chemo for 20 weeks, and I am 8 weeks in, so 40% done with the time investment in chemo.
I am 20% done with active treatment for my recurrence! As of today, 8 weeks into chemo, I have completed phase 1 of 5 phases, so I consider myself 20% done with active treatment.

So that's a little bit of how the numbers work in my brain - and how using the 40% data point might be helpful because it sounds like pretty good progress - ALMOST HALFWAY DONE! So it becomes a bit of a game for me to look at the numbers and internalize the ones that resonate with me most around progress already achieved and what remains ahead. (Maybe everyone does this in their life...I have no idea, I have always thought I was a bit of a weirdo with the quantifying of things.)

I also try to ONLY focus on the chemo phases FOR NOW because there is so much more to come after chemo it's overwhelming and little defeating to get my head wrapped around all the complexity and parts. Someone told me yesterday "cross bridges when you come to them" and I think it's amazing advice for people with anticipatory anxiety...just deal with the bridge in front of you right now and cross that, which for me right now is chemo and it's a long bridge.

What I have not done is ask about future recurrence risk, survival rates and length of time. I just can't. I don't want to worry too much about a future outcome, and am trying to stay focused in the here and now. The prognosis has remained good with my doctors focused on "curing" me which means getting me to "No Evidence of Disease" (NED) this year.

What I'm struggling with:

Having very little "feel good time": The window of "feeling good" during the last AC window was almost non existent, it was maybe two days of feeling about 85% well and needing to have the courage to walk back into chemo where I know I am going to get knocked on my ass again is INCREASINGLY DIFFICULT every time. It's probably overly dramatic, but I told my sister I think of it as walking to the guillotine...like there isn't a choice, but you know taking that walk leads you to something extremely painful.
My mom's health: My mom has been in critical condition in the ICU for 10 days now (not Covid-related, it's because of her heart). Having to make medical decisions on her behalf and chase down information with the hospital because we aren't able to visit in-person has been like another fulltime job and also sad and stressful to think of my mom in the hospital so sick and frail all by herself.
Covid: All the new insights on the illness being vascular, seeing young people die, and watching the cases increase dramatically while people still don't wear masks is killing my soul. If you don't wear a mask, I take that to mean you think I should stay home or die because I am at high risk. It's disgusting to not care about anyone except yourself.
Exhaustion: Not much to add here. Normal everyday stuff is harder, I have less ability and patience to help the kids. Exercise, which I have to do, is SO HARD, and I have to go slow and take breaks. Lots of people have reached out for phone calls or zooms and I just don't have the energy.
Wearing a hat: It's so hot, chemo makes me hotter, they shut down my ovaries chemically which induces menopause and hot flashes, so I've got a trifecta of heat-inducing phenomena happening in my body and I am also mortified about the state of my bald with some peach fuzz nuclear war survivor head so wear a hat anytime there is a chance I will see a person, even in my own home, and it is GD hot and I sweat all the time.
The costs of healthcare: Learning what's covered or not for both my mom and me has been depressing and really personalized the healthcare for profit problem. We need to do MUCH BETTER as a country in this area!

What I'm enjoying:

Watching Romantic Comedies during chemo: I had not seen a new romantic comedy in probably a decade - since having kids. I watch one every chemo cycle and have done: Chef, Always Be My Maybe, The Perks of Being a Wallflower and Isn't it Romantic. Have loved all of them. My sister Tiffany gave me a long list of recommendations I am working through, would love more recommendations as well.
Listening to books while I walk: Dear Girls by Ali Wong, Born a Crime by Treveor Noah, and Why Not Me by Treveor Noah is next.
Reading: I have legit read probably 12 books during chemo. I haven't read that many in a year in FOREVER, maybe since having kids.
Connections: Hearing from faraway friends who I have lost touch with. Connecting with other Young Cancer Survivors. Learning and being inspired by close friends in my life when I reach out and ask for help. Being humble enough to ask for help. Keeping my family informed about my mom and getting help from them on decisions. Having Chris' brother and his family in town has forced us to do some socializing while masked and social distancing...which we really have not done and would not have if they weren't here. That has been good for my soul.
Not being bound by time: This is a weird one and I'm surprised I enjoy it since I am a major planner and scheduler, but not working right now, and not having the kids in back to back activities, means time sort of doesn't matter. Sometimes we don't eat lunch until 2, if the kids sleep until 10 we're like great, no worries, if I'm exhausted in the afternoon I nap (which happens a lot.) It's freeing to live with the freedom to just sort of let things happen.
Barre3: I have continued to take B3 online 3 times a week during non chemo weeks so I hope I can continue tht. It's hard, but with the streaming I can pause the workout when I need a real break, bring my heart rate down and get water. The change in format from Covid actually is better for me right now so I am grateful when I do get to get those workouts in.

I think that's it. This is probably quite boring. Here are some inspiring words I have found which are bringing me some light, plus a pic of my cat who is ON ME every second of the day right now and I love him so much.