Speed Bumps - Not a Fan!

As a planner by nature (hence a career in Ops), I don't like when things don't go as planned. Spontaneity, going with the flow, figuring it out when we get there...none of these things are in my nature and cause me much more anxiety than joy.  It takes me hours and sometimes days to make decisions on the most basic things because I need to do the research, read reviews, ask people with experience on the thing.  I've always been this way. In junior high school I created a calendar of what I was going to wear for the next month and then made sure I had a nail polish color to match each outfit and I would do my nails every single night to match my clothes. When I complain because the day after my kids' birthdays they are already asking about their birthday for the next year - I ONLY HAVE MYSELF TO BLAME bc I model that forward-looking planning for them and say the same thing verbatim after every one of my birthdays.  "Next year for my birthday I want to..." Well, maybe don't get me started on my birthday because it's an obsession and I could write pages and pages on why birthdays matter. 💓

So anyway - Plans. They're good. They make sense of the world. They give you a map to follow. They preempt potential problems. They cover all the details and lead you to the next step and get you to your destination successfully.  I love plans!

Which is why, after posting about math and mind games a couple weeks ago, which outlined my treatment plan and the way I was quantifying it and getting through the insane number of steps in the plan, it SERIOUSLY PISSED ME OFF when the plan hit a Speed Bump last week when I had just barely started the 2nd phase of chemo.

Every chemo cycle I have to get bloodwork the day before chemo so they can make sure I am strong enough and my immune and organ functions are in tact enough to withstand another round of chemo.  Last Monday (7/13), after feeling surprisingly good on the new chemo, my bloodwork came back with my liver numbers having gone up almost 5-fold from the week prior, putting them WAY above the numbers they consider normal.  Once I saw the results, I started text stalking my oncologist with my 4,000 questions and he let me know that while it was not unusual for the liver to respond to the chemo, he thought I probably needed a week off to help my liver heal AND he thought they would need to change my chemo to the non-generic form which was less toxic to the liver.  My reaction - WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK!  I was mad and I wanted to blow up that mother effing speed bump into teeny tiny gravel and demolish it into dust as I sped over it. Here is some of what went through my brain, most of which I actually texted to my oncologist in rapid succession in about a 10 minute period (and he kept me as a patient anyway.)

• Are we sure this isn't cancer in the liver?

• Can I sign a waiver and do chemo anyway?

• If we skip a week does the cancer start growing back right away?

• People I know have suggested Beet juice, citrus and other supplements as a way to detox the liver, can I take all the things and re-test blood tomorrow so I can still do chemo?

• Why is this happening TO ME? Did I do something wrong?  Should I stop eating meat, using salt, living with my kids who never stop talking (insert MANY other things totally unrelated to liver function which I also asked him about)

Needless to say I was NOT HAPPY!!  And despite my protests and willingness to sign my life away, I did have to skip the week anyway and I was not graceful or grown-up about it at all.

I spent the week in a pretty pissed off and mopey state - which really only punished me and my family. I overthought every single thing I was doing - is this good for my liver or bad for my liver?  What if my liver never recovers and I can't have any more chemo?  I could go on and on, it was a mess. I was a mess. I did a lot of crying and shrill yelling at the kids which is how my anxiety comes out.

I also did bloodwork again on Friday to see if my liver was recovering, and it was but very slightly...both numbers had come down maybe 10-12 points (and I needed them to come down 50-90 points.)  I went again on Monday and they had each come down another 10 points or so.  I once again started the text stalking to my oncologist and he again expressed concern about me continuing with chemo with my liver numbers and I again became a hysterical mess and it was a very dark road which I won't detail as based on the above I am sure you can imagine the drama well enough on your own.

That said - my oncologist did some research on recent studies, and consulted with other partners in his practice, and came to the conclusion that if I was switched to the non-generic version of the chemo, which would also remove the need to give me a steroid and other pre-meds, my liver would be fine and would recover to normal once the chemo stopped.  I am sure there are a million more sciency details to this decision, but Tuesday morning (yesterday 7/21) on the day my chemo was scheduled for 2 PM, he texted me at 8:18 AM to say we were on as planned.  HALLELUJAH!

Which brings me to the sort of point or lesson of this post.  I am not a big fan of platitudes - the phrase about if things aren't OK, it's not the end yet - I don't buy into that. I think some lives can be very difficult and glossing over it with feel-good phrases is a disservice.  When people tell me I will be fine bc I "fought" and "beat cancer" before or because I am "so strong" I appreciate the sentiment but I don't internalize it. I think the medicine and how your body reacts to it is like 95% of cancer survival...And I am so grateful for medical research and advancements in breast cancer treatment. I think mindset and lifestyle behaviors help, but I don't think any one person is responsible or in charge of whether their cancer treatment works or not. EVERYONE wants to survive cancer and for some reason some people don't and it has nothing to do with how much they want to live.  Anyway, sorry, that was meant to convey that I think I am a pretty realistic person and err on the side of facts, science, reason. 

HOWEVER, in this case I think I learned (or perhaps re-learned) an important lesson about being flexible and agile and not looking at a speed bump as the end of the road. In this specific situation, the speed bump actually landed me on what I consider a better path - with what some might consider a better form of chemo with better outcomes, less "extra medicine", shorter infusion times. It reinforced for me HOW MUCH I want the chemo as an important aspect of getting rid of the cancer. It's easy to complain and diss on the chemo and to look really forward to the day it is behind me (hopefully for good this time), but the thought of not being able to get it FOR ANY REASON was truly terrifying and devastating to me because I know it is part of the path to health. It brought me back to being grateful for the comprehensive treatment plan (even if it's hard) and to my body for being strong enough to tolerate it. The speed bump was in fact a temporary blip and my reaction to it was MUCH BIGGER THAN IT DESERVED!!! I hope I can keep that in mind if there are additional speed bumps in the path ahead (which I still hope there aren't - because PLANS ARE GOOD AND ARE MEANT TO BE FOLLOWED!)

As always thanks for the continued support and for reading my random ramblings!