Tomorrow's the Big Day (and I don't mean the election)

I don't have much to share, but I was feeling anxious about tomorrow and thought I'd spend 10 minutes just clearing my head on here. Please understand my head is a bit of a messy thinking about tomorrow so I suspect this post is going to be a bit of a mess too.

If you're on Facebook or Instagram, you'll know we made it to Pismo for a relaxing five days between chemo and surgery. We kayaked, which was the highlight for me, and the kids mostly cooperated because I guilted them by telling them I won't be able to do it for a very long time, and maybe not very well depending on my surgery. We rode horses. We swam in a warm indoor saltwater pool, had lots of great meals and ice cream. It was nice to get away, to live in new walls, and not think about cancer. 

Since we came home, it's been appointment after appointment after appointment, starting with getting the stitches out from my many biopsies at noon on the Friday of our Pismo week so it was like, relaxation, relaxation and BAM - BACK TO MEDICAL REALITY!  This past week I had 6 pre-op appts. The good news and bad news is that my blood and heart and Covid status all meet the requirements for me to go into surgery tomorrow, so I guess we're a go! Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!

I'm ready, really, to walk out of surgery with all the cancer gone. Like for real, this time. I keep saying I think I'm about 90% ready, but still 10% scared. As I watch the clock get later, though, the ratio is maybe moving a little more toward the fear.

I don't feel ready for pain and drains and limited ability to move...although I lived through most of this once before so I feel like I can handle it.  Right? Maybe just text me or email me your belief in my ability. Please? Thanks.

I have been using another visualization my therapist created for me to prep for surgery so once again you all are in the surgery room with me in my imagination waiting for the outstanding outcome.  The recording also reminds me that my surgeons have been training their entire adult lives to do this work, that they are masters in their field and doing the work they excel at. It also goes through how my body knows exactly what to do to relax during the surgery and heal afterwards and that everyone will help me manage my pain...so it covers all the fear areas, and I have listened to it A LOT of times.

I also found this great mantra for surgery prep: “I am relaxed and calm. I trust my surgeon. I see a long life where I am strong and healthy.” I'd add to that - my surgery will be successful.  And I have this on repeat in my brain. But I'm still anxious!

My main worries are: 

• Removal of my lymphnodes...I mean honestly I couldn't tell you what they do, but I know they matter, and lymphatic drainage is a big health thing...so it sounds weird and scary to no longer have that system on one side.  My surgeon told me that part of the process is pretty painful...so...not sure how to reconcile the fear about that in my brain.
• The lat flap. It sounds AWFUL and GROSS. I mean stretching a muscle into a different part of the body...it's like something that would happen in Bugs Bunny...or like Jim Carey slaptick. Not to mention losing movement and strength. So I am hoping that I land on the 50% side of them being able to close me up, even if it means I live without any chance for reconstruction. 
• Pain and drains. I think I have a high threshold for pain, but I don't want to test it. The drains are just gross and inconvenient. I'm afraid I won't be able to sleep on my back or get in and out of bed. Or that something will come undone.
• That it won't work and the cancer will come back again.  But this one is easy enough to shelve while I get through the immediate next step. 

On a more positive note, I'm having the surgery done at a small surgical center close to my house and am the only overnight patient they will have.  They called and told me to pack my robe and slippers, and to remind the staff to have me order my lunch before I go under. So, Chris and I joke about me going to the spa for the night.  It does sound like I will get amazing care, so I'm grateful for that.

I also got SO MANY text messages today from people who remembered that the surgery was tomorrow and wanted to wish me well.  Those were an awesome surprise and much appreciated.

I don't think I have anything else to add. I guess send any healing, positive energy you have to spare my way tomorrow, especially if it helps distract you from the election.  Check on Chris as I am sure he will be a mess mostly due to election obsession but also bc of the surgery and solo parenting our crazy kids. As always, send any funny TV show, movie or book recommendations my way as I am in restricted movement mode for 4-6 weeks...

Thanks for reading this crazy rant!

Sherri