Cycle 4

Thank you to the many of you who have been checking in on how I am doing this cycle, and apologies for not getting back to most of you.  This cycle has been way better than the hell of cycle 3, so I feel like they may have finally got the nausea cocktail and the taxotere dosage/drip right.  Yeah!  At least that is what I'm telling myself in order to go into the last two cycles feeling positively.  I have no good excuse for not getting back to people...just tired, sick of being sick and talking/thinking about cancer, and trying to manage the Natasha factor in our lives, which has been a rough ride the past couple of weeks.

So let me start by sharing what has been keeping me up at night.  Our last meeting with the oncologist, before cycle 4, was very positive.  She says I am doing incredibly well on the chemo, although for a couple of days we weren't sure whether I was going to be able to have the infusion because my platelet levels weren't high enough.  They miraculously increased over the weekend before the infusion and so I was able to stay on schedule, which is really, really important to me so phew! My oncologist also told me that the reaction my body is having to taxotere is also like a really good inherent defense mechanism that would probably serve me well as a survivalist out in the wild (it would prevent me from eating or absorbing poisonous berries, let's say) but that with chemo it is almost like medicine has outsmarted the body so we needed to overcome that defense.  I found that really reassuring.

What scared the shit out of me was the process of identifying whether my cancer has come back or metastasized after I am done with chemo and also the heart monitoring process while I continue on with herceptin.  It just feels like this is never going to be over, well and I guess it won't be, but also like the process is sort of a guessing game.  So Kaiser's point of view on ongoing monitoring is that much of the medical intervention...like scans, MRIs or whatever cause more harm than benefit when it comes to screening and monitoring.  So when I finish chemo I will continue to meet with my oncologist every three months to discuss my overall health and the most likely way they will discover a recurrence or a metastasis is through those conversations...like I am having intense back pain that hasn't gone away, or headaches, or bloating or whatever.  And when there is perceived cause for concern, I will do whatever test or procedure is required to screen for cancer of whatever body part.  This is terrifying to me bc it is so unscientific and bc it is going to make me a freaking paranoid psychopath about every ache and pain in my body until the end of time.  I had sort of thought I would have some sort of routine scans and be declared cancer-free for the rest of my life, like there would be a very clear and scientific path to follow, and I am super disappointed to learn there is not.  (Although this week a new study was published whereby they believe they may have developed a test to detect a recurrence or metastasis before a patient experiences any symptoms...it sounds very promising, I'll insert a link when I at the computer...writing on my pad in bed right.now as it's 3:15 AM)

I will also have my heart checked every 3 months for the next year or do while I continue with the Herceptin infusions bc of the risk of heart damage from that medicine.  So this week I had my first follow-up heart ultrasound and it was intense!  For about 30 minutes I had those little sticker monitor things on me while the tech took ultrasound pictures of my heart while I breathed in and held it, or breathed out and held it, laying on my side, and then my back, and then from the angle of my upper stomach.  The whole time I am just watching my heart beating and trying to see if I can notice anything irregular.  Poor tech.  I'm like, what's that?  Um, the valve.  And what's that?  What about that?  Why is that part moving?  Can you see any problems?  Is this taking longer bc there is an issue????  I'm sure she red flagged me for the next time.  WARNING: HIGH ANXIETY PATIENT.  CONSIDER SEDATING OR SCHEDULE EXTRA TIME.

I'm also not sleeping bc my boobs freaking hurt!  I had my last expansion two weeks ago and so my boobs are back to pre-surgery size, but the last two expansions I guess stretched my muscle (the expanders are under the pec muscles) and so laying down is super uncomfortable and rolling over hurts and so now in addition to anxiety about stupid cancer and heart damage, and the discomfort of chronic nausea, I have actual physical pain compounding my sleep challenges.  Sigh.  Not trying to complain...oh wait, yah I am.  I also forgot to mention how sick I am of not having hair and looking ugly.  I just can't even look at  myself in the mirror without a hat on.  I was trying on bathing suits this week (trying to keep my eye on the prize of a summer vacation!) and I couldn't decide what looked good or not until I put a hat on (I was trying them on at home, still will not leave the house without a hat) so my freaking ugly white bald head wasn't distracting me.  I hate it.  It is ugly and it is mean that I have to look so bad while going through this awful process.  WHINE.  WHINE.  WHINE.  Thank goodness my sisters have bought me a couple super cute hats, as has my mom, and a couple friends have let me borrow some as well.   But still, I want my hair back.  NOW.

So what else?????  I try to end on a more positive note so here are some random nice things I have experienced about having cancer:

1. People seem to try harder to say yes.  I have been able to redeem expired Kohls cash and I swear the manager only approved it after she turned around and looked at me and saw my bald head (under a hat of course.)  The waitress at Mimi's asked the manager to make an exception for one of their lunch specials so I could get the specialty salad I wanted in the two-for lunch and not have to pay the full salad price. 2.  People go totally out of their way to open doors for me.  3. I get front of the line passes at the Kaiser lab.  Am always a STAT and so my number trumps everyone in line.

I think that's it.  I hope you all have a wonderful Mothers Day.  Thanks for reading!