The Luck O' the Irish

There is no fixed physical reality, no single perception of the world, just numerous ways of interpreting world views as dictated by one's nervous system and the specific environment of our planetary existence.

Deepak Chopra 

I've been spending my time thinking about the power of perception.  Chris and I have always felt we are lucky in the big things in life…of course, that list always started with us being healthy, so that is no longer the case, but we have healthy kids, we have always been employed at great jobs with great companies, we won our wedding, we found our house the day it went on the market and were able to buy it with no competition, we have traveled, I met my former boss Steve Orzeck at exactly the right moment in my life and he basically built my career.  Some people would call this being blessed.  Some might take personal responsibility or ownership of this thinking they were diligent or persistent or whatever, but for the most part Chris and I both feel that luck has played a big role in our lives, helped us get where we are currently and we have been thankful for that.  (Of course we have been unlucky in parts of life, but mostly significantly less important stuff.)  This is not to say we think that luck supersedes hard work or honesty or whatever, but I believe that you could be the hardest working, most likeable, honest, smart person in the world, but you still need luck on your side…luck in my personal opinion could be the difference between success and failure in many aspects of life.  And truly, overall, I have been so, so lucky.

I have been thinking about this a lot because of the cancer and the chemo.  I went to the Redondo Beach Cancer Support Center last week and got to listen to the diagnosis stories of the other 7 or so people there for the orientation and I left feeling so lucky about my diagnosis.  I am so lucky I caught it early.  I am so lucky it did not spread to my lymph nodes.  I am so lucky I have already had and breastfed my kids.  I am so lucky I don’t have to work while I go through this.  I am so lucky I’m insured.  I am so lucky my surgery was a success AND that I opted for a bilateral mastectomy considering they found pre-cancer in the non cancer side.  Right now, I am so lucky I am having such an easy reaction to chemo.  A lot of people are telling me it’s because I’m so strong.  I can tell you with 100% certainty that this is not the case.  I am a scared baby and I don’t like pain.  Something about my body and the way I am built SO FAR is not having a terrible time with the chemo and I am incredibly grateful for this LUCK.

So the other thought I am having is around the law of attractions.  I do wonder if there isn’t something to that…like I am so thankful for the luck in this diagnosis and maybe some of that optimism or openness is also attracting positive things my way.  I have kind of always believed positivity attracts positivity, but we all know I am not always positive.  SO who knows, lots of stuff rolling around my brain similar to the whole question of WHY I got this.  Maybe this is just my way of reconciling the whole ordeal or making it easier.  I don’t know.  Just a lot of thinking and a lot of being thankful that things aren’t worse.

So, with specific regard to the chemo, I am still having no major side effects.  I have some slight, totally manageable nausea, I am really, really ridiculously tired at some points of the day (but I was tired before chemo)...and then I have this weird vein inflammation and itching where the chemo was infused which the oncologist said is from the taxotere.  The exhaustion is hard with the kids.  Really hard.  And I try to fake energy but by like 6 I am pretty toasted, plus Karina has been waking up around 4 am sporadically and so I am not getting enough solid sleep probably even for a regular person, but definitely not for a cancer/chemo patient.  I fear I am going to be tired for the rest of my life. But as long as my life is long, I can handle it. Other than that, so far so good.

I also saw the plastic surgeon this week and they finally took out the stitches.  I go back next week for my first fill...let the boob growing begin!  He released me for all physical activity which I have been desperately waiting for, so I had my first post-surgery run this week and met with our trainer twice.  All the exercise felt amazing!!!  It is such a privilege to be able to exercise, and exercise really is my cure all.  Not much makes me feel as good as a great workout and a hot shower.

My hair is starting to feel super dry like straw and like it is dying.  That is what I worry about every day.  How am I going to face the world bald?  Will I face the world bald or will be a recluse for 6 months.  The oncologist says I should start losing it somewhere between weeks three and five so anytime after St. Patrick’s Day.  Boo!

Monday we meet with a dietician to do an overall review of our diet against cancer risk and also to address eating during chemo, which as I previously mentioned has not been an issue.  I want to eat 24/7.  It is hard to reel that in...I guess at least I don't crave sugar.  Just meat.  Lots and lots of meat.  and eggs and bacon.  We also meet with the oncologist late in the day Monday to discuss the chemo, any adverse reactions and prepare for cycle two which starts next Friday with the blood work, and then the steroids over the weekend and then the infusion next Monday, on St. Patrick’s Day.  I guess I’ll be having green Gatorade instead of beer. :)

A week from today is our Santa Barbara breast cancer walk.  I am so proud of our team Boob-a-Bliss-cious which has raised $1,200, exceeding our team goal by 20% and I actually tripled my personal fundraising goal.  It should be fun.  My first 10K since before I had kids, and the fact that I am doing it while undergoing chemo makes me think I am crazy, but I figure if I can deal with cancer I can freaking run 6 miles, right?  We’ll see.

I think that’s it.  I could never say thank you enough for all the support I continue to receive.  I did want to share these two pics of great cards I received recently.  Enjoy.  Thanks for reading!