I got diagnosed with cancer on Monday

December 2, 2014 – WARNING ADULT CONTENT/LANGUAGE ENCLOSED

I was diagnosed with breast cancer this morning.  My first thought was FUCK!  Followed by, I don’t want my girls growing up without a mom!!!  It was not a good moment.

After those initial minutes of panic, I actually started thinking about that Steve Jobs quote about dying:

Remembering that you are going to die is the best way I know to avoid the trap of thinking you have something to lose. You are already naked. There is no reason not to follow your heart.

No one wants to die. Even people who want to go to heaven don't want to die to get there. And yet, death is the destination we all share. No one has ever escaped it, and that is how it should be, because death is very likely the single best invention of life. It's life's change agent. It clears out the old to make way for the new.”

I haven’t been super happy of late.  Having kids altered my DNA in a way I did not expect and so the stress and long hours and demands of corporate America have become less and less acceptable.  I have been thinking about starting my own business, so I can manage my own hours, and ultimately have dreamed about working only 5-6 hours a day so that I can enjoy as much time as possible with the girls now and for however long they want/need me.  I’ve thought about doing party planning, contracting for a franchise multi-grain bakery, consulting on employment branding, but nothing has really seemed like the RIGHT thing and so I have been sort of stuck.  I suspect this diagnosis is either going to kick things into gear for me to make a change or actually re-commit me to corporate America because of the benefits and stability…who know, but I hope I am able to go through this with the perspective of it being an opportunity to focus on what really matters…which is life, and family, and happiness.

I also looked back at what I wrote on my 40^th birthday – I think that I need more fun and social in my life now and into the next 40 years, hopefully.  I would really like to write more and aspire to get paid to write, I want to have more travel adventures, even if they have to be domestic travels, I want to spend more time with my friends who I have all but lost touch with (other than Facebook) since having kids, and in general I want to be more open to new experiences and opportunities. I think being fearless in my early years is what earned me a lot of my very favorite moments, and I haven’t been fearless in a while. So, my birthday wish to myself is not to be fearless (bc I have kids, I can’t be totally reckless) but to have less fear about everything – parenting shortcomings, my career, the future in general and to just go for some of hopes and aspirations even if I fall flat on my face.

Do you know how many of those things I accomplished this year?  None, zero, zip, nada.  Not a damn one.  Did I write more? No.  Reconnect with friends? No.  Become less fearful?  No!  The universe is sending me a message to get it together, get to a better place and refocus on what matters.  At least I hope that’s what it is.

But of course I’m scared.  I don’t want to die, but I also don’t want to be bitter, I can totally see myself getting bitter and overwhelmed and angry through this and it scares me.   And I don’t want to be too tired to play with the girls, I especially don’t want to miss  a single second I have with them now, and I don’t want to scar them for life for having gone through this with me.   But poor things.  Did you know that a woman’s risk of breast cancer approximately doubles if she has a first-degree relative (mother, sister, daughter) who has been diagnosed with breast cancer.  So regardless, I am already guilty of putting them into that horrible statistic.  Stupid fucking cancer.  I hate you and we have only just met.

I need more fun and social in my life now and into the next 40 years, hopefully. It also made me think about what I would hope to post about in the future, things I haven’t done that I would like to, and a few things came to mind. I would really like to write more and aspire to get paid to write, I want to have more travel adventures, even if they have to be domestic travels, I want to spend more time with my friends who I have all but lost touch with (other than Facebook) since having kids, and in general I want to be more open to new experiences and opportunities. I think being fearless in my early years is what earned me a lot of my very favorite moments, and I haven’t been fearless in a while. So, my birthday wish to myself is not to be fearless (bc I have kids, I can’t be totally reckless) but to have less fear about everything – parenting shortcomings, my career, the future in general and to just go for some of hopes and aspirations even if I fall flat on my face. I need more fun and social in my life now and into the next 40 years, hopefully. It also made me think about what I would hope to post about in the future, things I haven’t done that I would like to, and a few things came to mind. I would really like to write more and aspire to get paid to write, I want to have more travel adventures, even if they have to be domestic travels, I want to spend more time with my friends who I have all but lost touch with (other than Facebook) since having kids, and in general I want to be more open to new experiences and opportunities. I think being fearless in my early years is what earned me a lot of my very favorite moments, and I haven’t been fearless in a while. So, my birthday wish to myself is not to be fearless (bc I have kids, I can’t be totally reckless) but to have less fear about everything – parenting shortcomings, my career, the future in general and to just go for some of hopes and aspirations even if I fall flat on my face.We’ll find out the course of action when we go back to consult with the surgeon on December 17^th.    It sounds like there will be surgery, definitely, and then chemo and radiation.  My sister was kind enough to tell me she thinks I look cute with short hair, and so perhaps I will look incredible with no hair.  I doubt it.  (hear the bitter creeping in?)  And really I don’t care about anything except not dying on my kids.   We will let you know when we learn more about what will come next, but the doctor said I should plan on a treatment plan that will span an entire year.   I had no idea.  That is such a long time.  I was really hoping to focus on our 10-year anniversary and a trip to Hawaii next year.  Maybe I will have such an easy time with treatment that I can still do that.  I guess I can hope for that.

In closing, and I don’t want to be a stupid cliché, but honest to goodness, life is short and not guaranteed and so whatever else is going on this holiday season, I would encourage you to make time for the people you love the most.  That is what I am going to be doing this Christmas.

Thanks for listening.

Sherri