They found a second mass

December 31, 2013

I’ve been up with anxiety since 2:30 this morning. So let me be the first to wish you a happy new year, although I am not looking forward to this year all.  Which is not to begrudge anyone else their fun and excitement and happy plans, but ugh, I do not feel like celebrating at all.

First has everyone seen this?  http://www.huffingtonpost.com/elana-miller-md/love-is-holy-shit-i-have-_b_4512572.html

I found this incredibly moving not just because of the inspirational message but because it reinforces my hate for cancer.  The power cancer has to just make your heart stop and overwhelm your body with fear and to alarm those who love you.  I hate it.  It is a piece of shit.  And then damn for that woman's ability to turn that around into a message of love so quickly.  I am SO NOT THERE YET, but some of this post may take on a different tone bc I read her post.  We’ll see.

So yesterday was literally the worst day of my life.  I went in for a standard double ultra sound which they do at Kaiser before you schedule your surgery so they have recent baseline scans of your breasts to reference.  AND THEY FOUND ANOTHER MASS.  The doctor said it might be a second cancer in the same breast or it might be nothing, but they had to biopsy it on the spot.  So for those of you who follow me on Facebook you know that I was in a foul mood, super pissed off bc I waited almost an hour past my scheduled appointment time  and I wasn’t super friendly or nice to the staff who were helping me at that point.  But ohmygod, when they told me there was another mass and I needed another biopsy, I just stopped functioning.  I was hysterical and sobbing and just fell apart.  I had gone to the appointment alone bc it was standard and I wasn’t worried and then there I was falling to pieces with perfect strangers.  So the ultra sound tech sort of became my caregiver.  She got me Kleenex and hugged me and rubbed my arm, and when I told her the last biopsy had hurt A LOT, she made sure to tell the doctor to give me extra of the numbing agent, and when he did and it still hurt, she told him to give me more.  Which he did.  And then I didn’t feel a thing.  And somehow they were able to get it done quickly even though my entire body was shaking and shivering and convulsing with my sobs and I was trying to ask them questions but couldn’t get any words out.  They got it done in probably 2-3 minutes.  Afterward the doctor held my hand and said he was sorry and that whatever it was they would have  a path to treat it.  And they both tried to help me through the worst moments of my life.  (to date, I suspect a lot worse in coming when I go into surgery and chemo.)  Weirdly, I don’t think I would have even written about the very human and compassionate treatment I received from the tech and doctor had I not read that woman’s blog post about love.  I felt it, but it wasn’t what stuck with me, so I need to change that perspective, it is just so hard to see beyond the fear.

Then I had to wait around to get another mammogram to make sure the marker had been inserted and stayed in the new mass.  So even though they were running way behind and patients like me were pissed that they were running way behind, they let me stay in the ultra sound room until I got it together enough to walk back to the mammogram waiting room, and then walked me there and left me with the other patients.  Who could obviously tell that I was a mess.  So after talking amongst themselves for a few minutes, one of the women asks me, you all right?  And I just start sobbing again.  I didn’t even say anything.  They have no idea what is going on although I am sure they suspect a mass was found or whatever bc we are in breast imaging, but these two women just start talking about how God doesn’t give you anything you can’t handle, and how it’s going to be OK.  And they just kept talking and talking until I stopped crying and was laughing at some of their stories and they helped me get through those moments.  So it was a horrible morning, but thank goodness for the kind people who helped me get through it.

I came home to find that Karina had been throwing up pretty much nonstop since I left for my appointment.  As soon as my mom left, she threw up on me.  So I ended up taking her to urgent care in the afternoon (where she threw up on my again in the waiting room and of course I had packed spare clothes for her, but not for me) and spent five hours there, she had blood work done, got an IV and then we just had to sit around waiting for the labs to come back.  It was hell.  Trying to get a 16 month old to stay on a hospital bed with no toys and no phone (my phone had died about an hour in and not thinking I was going to be there ALL DAY, I didn’t bring my charger.)  She was crying and kicking, and of course after a biopsy you aren’t supposed to carry anything on that side or push or pull so I am managing her with one arm and it was hard and horrible.  So at the 5^th hour, I am like, I need to get the hell out of here.  So I ask the nurse if we can go, and of course start crying bc I am like today has been a rough day, I haven’t seen my husband, I had to get a biopsy, basically word vomit spilling out of my mouth all over the nurse who then starts crying bc she says she  feels so badly for me and that I have had to be there for so long.  At this point Karina had taken the whole IV, she had been able to drink pedialyte and had not thrown up since we first got there at 2:30 but the freaking labs were taking FOREVER!!!!  So she got the doctor, he examined her and said OK and he would call when the labs got back in.  I drive home and am not even home 10 minutes when I get his call that her white blood cell count was high which indicates a bacterial virus and we have to come back bc she needs to get some shots of antibiotic.  So I sent Chris and then sat on the couch with Tash watching TV.  Poor Tash who just wants me to chase her around the house and dance and tip toe and pretend to be a bear and who I am sure I am disappointing nonstop and will continue to disappoint as I go through treatment bc I just did not have it in me to run around the house being a bear.  I barely had it in me to sit on the couch and not cry while we watched Chuck the Truck or whatever. 

When we went to bed, Tash was like, can you wake me up first tomorrow?  I want to be the first person awake.  And I said, well I have to be awake to wake you up.  And she said, yah, that, that’s what I mean.  You first and me second.  I know its bc she wants time with just me, poor thing.  Ugh, how am I going to not be a sucky freaking tired mom this year. 

Today I have to go back and meet with the oncologist again, then we have Karina’s appt with the pediatrician to check on her blood and then I have the Kaiser counseling appointment to talk about how much this all sucks and how the hell am I going to get through it.  Happy New Year’s Eve to me.  I guess thank goodness for Kaiser bc I can’t imagine how much we would be paying out of pocket right now if we had a PPO.

It’s funny in a sad way too because I remember last New Year’s Eve reading peoples posts on Facebook where they were like good riddance to 2012, like it seemed that a lot of my friends had bad 2012s.   And I didn’t understand it.  I didn’t remember much bad going on in 2012.  But this year, well I was so glad to get rid of 2013.  2013 has been a shitty year, starting with new year’s day where Tash had to get four stitches in her eyebrow, going back to work full time in March, being asked to leave Tash’s preschool in April, deciding we were going to move and then deciding it was too expensive and risky, and now being diagnosed with breast cancer.  Of course there were  good things about 2013 – work was great from the point of view of getting positive recognition and promotion there, we had a couple of great vacations, but really I was so looking forward to 2014.  Not anymore.  I keep singing that Rent song How Do You Measure a Year in my head “ five hundred twenty five thousand six hundred minutes…”  I once started a holiday letter with those words bc my year had been so incredible and I had fit it all into that many minutes.  I thought that was really cool.  This year I am aware of those minutes bc I just need to get through them to get to this time next year and hope that I am healthy and have hair regrowing on my head and brows and lashes and that I have learned and become a better person through a year of hell and sacrifice and not being available for my kids.  That I will have time to make up for that in 2015 and beyond.  That I will have a lot more minutes.  It’s overwhelming.   Especially when I can’t sleep to escape it all.  I also hope that I am more aware of the love along this journey bc I am scared and anxious and can see myself getting and staying stuck there.  I already am struggling with engaging with friends and coworkers, am more inclined to just withdraw and re-emerge when the trouble is behind me.  And I hope it is behind me.  As soon as possible.  So we’ll see.  I hope for a lot I guess, and perhaps that is my 2013 resolution, to stay hopeful and to get healthy.  It doesn’t really feel strong enough, so I reserve the right to change it over time, but for now, it’ll do, I guess.

BTW – Did I mention that Natasha has been going around the house performing lumpectomies?  I told her I had a ball in my boob that the surgeon had to take out, and she got these community people block figures for Christmas so she has decided the female construction worker is a mom and she has the surgeon figurine remove a ball from her boob several times a day and has explained the process to my mom in some pretty good detail.  She is so smart and funny and I just love her so much.  I am not sure how I will explain that the ball became the removal of a whole boob bc god that sounds horrifying and scary, but I guess I will cross that bridge when I have to.

As always, thanks for reading.

Sherri