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December 6, 2014
I woke up this morning with churning anxious stomach syndrome
again – around 4:15 - worried about losing my hair and about being a Kaiser
member and couldn’t get myself out of that worry spiral! I may need to take some sort of meditation
class to get me through this…
When we left the diagnosis appt on Monday, the doctor said
that I would either have surgery first or chemo first and for some reason the
chemo freaks me out more than the surgery…maybe because chemo could start
BEFORE Christmas (CRAZY!!) while surgery would be in January, maybe bc chemo and
throwing up and a bald head are the images I get whenever I think of cancer based
on my experience coming only out of movies and TV shows. But, weird anyway that I think I am more
worried about losing my hair than I am about losing my boob. Maybe it’s bc not having any hair or eyebrows is a
clear indication of someone going through cancer treatment and I really, really
dislike when people have access to information about me that I did not personally
share with them. I had the same issue
with being pregnant. I always hated when
I really started to show, bc then when I walked into a room it felt like the
first thing people would think is oh, look at the PREGNANT woman. I found that to be so irritating and intrusive
for some reason. They would want to
touch me and assume some intimacy bc they were also a parent and being pregnant
became THE thing about me. Maybe
something is wrong with me, but I spent a lot of time worrying about and being
irritated by that when I was pregnant. I
wanted to be mean to people and say, I am also really smart and a good writer
and awesome at my job, do you want to know more about that? I might be crazy. Maybe the crazy caused the cancer, you
think? Funny enough, now that I have
kids, they are pretty much all I talk about, so maybe I am also a hypocrite.
With the hair loss, it’s going to be like, oh, that woman HAS
CANCER. Wherever I go, whoever I see,
that is going to be the first thing they see, and I worry that people will
either avert their eyes and become uncomfortable or again they will assume some
sort of bond or intimacy with me based on that ONE thing about me that is the
most obvious upon my entering a room. I
hate that. I worry that I’m not going to
want to ever leave the house, because even with neighbors, like if I haven’t told
them, they will be like, holy shit, SHERRI HAS CANCER. Like everyone gets to know even if I don’t
want them to and that becomes THE THING they think about and talk about with me.
Of course I’m also concerned about how I’m going to
look. I mean, since having kids and
working from home full-time, it’s not like I put much into how I look anyway,
but hairless is at a completely different level than just careless and
sloppy. Hairless trumps careless. And eyebrow-less. Well, I may have to start wearing makeup for
the first time since high school. We’ll
see.
Now on the Kaiser thing.
I have been a Kaiser member for a long time – 10 years, maybe
longer. And they have been great. I had both my kids at the Harbor City Kaiser
which is like 4 blocks from my house. I
love my doctor. I loved my midwife. The hospital staff was mostly awesome. And the treatment we have received has been
wonderful, including the assessments and various appointments for Natasha when
we were worried something more than just “difficult personality” was going on with
her.
But everyone always says, Kaiser is fine UNTIL YOU HAVE A
PROBLEM. Uh-oh.
So I am thinking I will pay cash for a second opinion once I
get all my test results back and my recommended treatment regiment, but do I
need to consider paying cash and going out of network for everything? How much
might that cost? I would guess a
lot. Sadly, open enrollment just closed in
mid-November and getting diagnosed with a big, scary disease doesn’t count as a
life changing event so I have no option to change insurance coverage or
increase my FSA.
Does anyone have experience with Kaiser and cancer? Should I be concerned?
I also got tested for the breast cancer gene on
Tuesday. That is really stressful. We learned way more than I ever want to know
from the geneticist about what it means if you test positive and it is not
good. They don’t think I will, but
still, one more thing to worry about and one more awful possibility. We should get those results back within 2
weeks so right before we see the surgeon, I think. So for those of you who know anything about
breast cancer, I am ER+, PR+ and HER2 unknown so that is still being tested,
and the breast cancer gene test is still out.
Next appt will either be with the geneticist if the breast cancer gene
results comes back or the surgeon on the 17th followed by appt with
the oncologist. Treatment will start late this month or in
early January. Merry Christmas and happy
41st birthday to me.
On a more positive note, we had a truly fantastic day with
the girls at Disneyland yesterday. We
just took it easy, played, watched the musical shows, and spent the entire day
there until it closed. Even caught the
Water and Light show (I am sure there is a better name for it) at California Adventure
which they changed to be all about Frozen for Christmas and it was really
cute. I am so glad we had already
planned to take the day off because Tash’ school is closed for parent-teacher
conferences. It was great. J
We haven’t told Tash I’m sick yet. I don’t even want to think about that or how
we’re going to tell her. That is going
to suck. When she had to get stitches in
her eyebrow, I remember telling her how funny it was that she was going to be
in a papoose like a baby, and we were laughing.
But god, then when they had to put her in it and she was screaming and trying
to get out, it wasn’t funny at all and I felt like a totally horrible lying
mom. I am going to have to walk a fine
line between just the direct truth and painting the picture too rosy. Would love any thoughts or resources related
to the horrid conversation and explaining the loss of hair and other body parts
in a way where she is not going to be afraid about me, but also not afraid for
when she gets older. Ugh. So many icky things to deal with in this
process, and it’s just starting. I hate
it.
Still, no more tears since Tuesday so I call that a win!
Thanks for reading.
Sherri
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