Random Crap

December 20, 2013

This week has been really hard because of Natasha drama and overwhelming amounts of medical care coordination.

 I don’t know what is going on with Tash,  if she senses that something is amiss, but she is insane and angry and whiny and the past couple days have provided ample evidence of that.  She has started throwing things, and screaming, and even hit us a couple of times, all new behaviors we haven’t seen before, and so the time we get to spend with her has mostly been spent disciplining her, threatening to give stuff to goodwill when she throws it, and just generally not enjoying being with her. 

While Karina is not anywhere near the extreme that Tasha is, the sibling refereeing is really getting to me too.  Wednesday, from the second we got home from gymnastics at around 6:45 PM, both girls were just wailing for me, competing to have me hold them, to touch me, and were grabbing at me around the house like little leeches until I literally plugged my ears and yelled at them that I needed to get water and that I was a person and had my owns needs too.  So in essence I did what every parenting guide advises you not to do, and had a tantrum as a result of their tantrums.  And then I ran away to the grocery store for a few minutes of alone time and peace and quiet.  But the whole time I was there, I was like f*ck.  How am I going to do this?  Are my kids going to leave me alone if I’m barfing in the toilet after chemo or are they still going to want to be touching me and in the bathroom with me bc if they are I am going to lose my mind…Then I feel guilty for not being all like, oh my precious babies, I want to enjoy every second.  Ugh.  I might actually go clinically insane. 

Yesterday (Thursday) was also super stressful because I got like eight different calls from Kaiser about various appointments and referrals and we had a problem with the plastics appointment where they thought they couldn’t schedule me until the 13^th which would mean I couldn’t even decide treatment until after then and I literally told the woman on the phone WELL I CAN’T RISK DYING BC I CAN’T GET IN TO SEE YOUR DOCTOR.  And then I signed up at City of Hope to become a patient there.  All in a matter of like 3 minutes.  I guess fear and lack of control are strong motivators.  Chris ended up calling Kaiser plastics back and we were able to get an appointment on Monday, but dealing with that with both kids at home and trying not to terrify them while I am terrified and stressed out.  Well. Like I said before it has been a shitty few days this week.

I also got a call from the surgeon’s office yesterday and have to go in for more ultra sounds on both boobs and so then I am like WHY? DID YOU DETECT SOMETHING ON THE OTHER SIDE IN THE CLINIC REVIEW?  She said no, that it is normal practice, but I can’t help but fear the worst.  And really everything I say about this is said in ALL CAPS bc it all feels scary and urgent and like a precursor to worse news.  SO I TALK LIKE THIS NOW. Ugh! Ugh! Ugh!!

So today is my last day at work before Cisco shuts down for two weeks, but for me it may be even longer.  That is also weird.  I am not sure if/when I’ll be back!  I will also be spending a good portion of what I thought was going to be jolly holiday shutdown time with the girls at the plethora of appointments I have.  And I know – eyes on the prize.  I want to live and so all this short term crap should be of no consequence.  But it is really disappointing and stressful. As I have mentioned and complained about at length.

A few funny/good things have happened too and so I should share those:

1.       I realized that I can turn anything into a reason to shop when I found myself perusing and favoriting cancer shirts and cancer caps on Etsy this past week.  At least there is some good stuff out there. 

2.       I am also committing to myself that while I am on disability if I am not a total wreck, I am going to go for regular manis and pedis at that green salon in Manhattan Beach.  I have never been, I get manis and pedis like once  a year, except now I am like why the eff not since the rest of my body is going to be in shit shape and I won’t have hair.  Something needs to look pretty!

3.       I may also buy some funky wigs and try out different hair colors and styles – although I hear wigs are expensive and assume insurance only covers one.

4.       I checked into my FSA and I can actually increase my contribution until December 31^st and so I am not so worried about the financial implications of treatment.

5.       When I told a coworker about the diagnosis, she didn’t even blink before saying “You’ve survived at Cisco for 6 years, you can survive anything.”  Cisco is a great place to work, but also really demanding so I thought that was funny.

6.       My friend Adam bought one of those little cards in support of cancer at a barber in Torrance (I may be getting those details wrong) and listed “BlissBeatsCancer” for the display.  I thought that was cool.

7.       My sister is encouraging me to take this as an opportunity to get the perfect boob(s) and tummy tuck.  Who knows, maybe that will be possible and I will come out of this even hotter than going in.  (I’m joking when I say hot…)

8.       I used my diagnosis to get an Amazon discount this week.  I really want a kindle, and I had received a one-day $50 off coupon last week, but I just couldn’t make the purchasing decision because I was all effed up in the head.  When I decided definitively that I wanted one, I contacted their customer service desk and explained that I had been diagnosed with breast cancer which delayed my purchasing decision but that I wanted a kindle to get me through chemotherapy, and so they gave me a $20 credit.  It’s not the $50 I wanted, but it’s something.

I think that is all the crazy randomness in my head right now.

Thanks for listening.

Sherri