Chemo Officially Sucks

Chemo Round 2:

I'm just done with the clinical part of cycle 2 (the infusion plus 5 days of shots) and I totally get all the drama surrounding chemo now.  I guess I was really lucky during cycle 1, and I guess a little cocky, bc I expected this round to be similarly bearable and it was absolutely not.  This round is knocking me on my ass.  Unbearable nausea.  Smells, like any smell, triggers a gag reflex, and food disgusts me and I can’t sleep bc of horrendous stomach churn and night sweats.  The exhaustion is also ridiculous.  Like I don’t think I can move my body off the couch exhaustion but then I can’t sleep bc my heart is beating erratically and I am so freaking hot.  It has sucked.  And been way worse than cycle 1.  I got an upgraded order of tier 2 anti nausea meds yesterday so I am optimistic this is going to be over soon.  The good news is that being so miserable has offered me very little time to focus on my hair and how ugly I look.  I perceive that to be looking at this as the glass half full…although I am sure that hardly qualifies.  Oh and did I mention that I have a chronic eye tick that is caused by the chemo.  It's annoying, but again, most of this stuff I can live with, I just need the time to go by as quickly as possible!

Anyway, I am officially 1/3 of the way through the clinical chemo part now so YEAH ME.  I think I can. I think I can. I think I can.  Here is a pic of me smiling during the second infusion bc they got the needle in on the FIRST TRY!

The Hair

The hair is all gone.  I was letting it shed naturally, which I mentioned previously was really disgusting, the hair was dead and it smelled and the shedding was getting ridiculous.  Human hair balls were joining our cat hair balls in the corners of rooms and on pillows and so last night I just had Chris shave it.  Physically, it felt really good.  Like a head massage and because I have been SO FREAKING HOT, it cooled my head off and stopped with the itching and the stinking.  (I really smelled like a dirty dog.)  But I look really ugly and I look really sick.  And, because the hair hasn’t altogether died over my entire scalp, there are black spots amongst the white scalp and I think I sort of look like a leper.  The girls reactions were totally aligned with their respective personalities – Karina was like “touch it, touch it!” because she wanted to touch it, and so she did and she laughed and then she kissed my head.  Natasha was like “AHHHHH!!! You look scary!”  and asked me to wear a hat.  Then she told me to take it off so she could scream.  Then she asked me to put it back on.  Then take it off. Until I lost it and was like MY HEAD IS NOT A GAME!  The husband has been perfectly perfect about it.  He was like, can I call you a snow leopard?  And then I had him take a picture of me with and without a hat, and after the pic with the hat on, he was like “You are such a cancer patient.”  Kidding of course and it made me laugh.  Today I had to go in and get my last shot alone bc Chris has taken the girls out for the day so I can rest, and I texted him that I was not looking forward to people staring at me.  His response:  If they stare, it’s because you’re beautiful and strong.  Somehow I chose really well in the husband department. 

 

 I will not be posting any bald photos, sorry.  I look ugly and am trying to avoid looking in the mirror when I go into the bathroom.  Maybe I will get used to it, but since I only have 95 more days of the chemo, I am hoping I don’t have to bc come the summer I will start to have hair again and can at least shoot for a little pixie cut.  (BTW, I am not fishing for compliments.  I look ugly and sick.  It’s fine.  I can deal with it.)

Other Stuff

I continue to be amazed at the generosity of my friends and family.  My mom stayed with us almost this whole week again and so I got to rest as much as possible.  I can only imagine that she is very tired because at 23 years her junior even when I was healthy, hanging with two energizer bunnies is exhausting.  And I can’t imagine being a mom watching your kid go through chemo.  That has to suck and if there is any mercy in the world since I have to do this, my kids shouldn’t have to and I will never know what that feels like.  Cards and gifts and well wishes continue to be sent my way.  See the hilarious card below from my friend Elisabeth.  Sad that there is a market for cancer cards, but damn whoever is making them is doing a fantastic job.  

What else?  I think that might be it.  We are planning on doing the Revlon Run/Walk Mothers Day Weekend if others are interested…let me know.  And always looking for other events in support of the cause.  

Thanks for reading.

Sherri

My 2nd infusion is tomorrow...and i'm still scared!

I sort of thought once I went through an infusion that it would be all easy peasy...old hat...MY ROUTINE.  But here I am stressing with anxiety and heart palpitations hoping this cycle is as easy as the last one, hoping they get my vein on the first try, and that while my hair is almost gone and it is gross and ugly that the stuff I am using on my eyebrows and eyelashes works so that I don't look like an alien.  oh and that the steroid works so the taxotere doesn't give me spasms.  Lots of hope going on...and fear.

Also with the hair...I totally get men with comb-overs now.  My hair is falling out in chunks and it is all dead.  It stinks like skunk or dead dog.  But I am clinging to those stinky dead hairs remaining like they are a vital organ.  I finally had to wash my hair friday, it had been like 8 days...and man oh man did it come out.  Anyway, I will do whatever I can to keep it for as long as I can.  And I am surprised by this because I am really so low maintenance when it comes to my physical appearance.

 I am also super pissed off bc I gained 5 pounds since my last chemo session.  I have been eating really well and exercising almost every day and ugh!!!  Both my oncologist and trainer said it is most likely water weight from the steroid, but double ugh!!!  I am mad.

Outside of the anxiety, I am relishing the love and fun and health from the walk yesterday.  I ran 4 1/2 miles, walked 1 1/2, the longest I have done since the 2007 Manhatan Beach Old Hometwon Fair 10k and I have cancer and am undergoing chemo and weigh about 15 pounds too much and I totally did it.  It was awesome and our whole team Boob a Bliss pious did incredible and we exceeded our fundraising goal by 50%!!!  It was truly awesome.  My new plan is that just as I have an.oncologist massage during the third week each cycle, I'd like to try to do a 10 k that third week too.  The third week I am supposed to be at my healthiest so I think it's a fairly realistic plan/goal.  That would mean that April 5th Chris.and I would be doing the Hollywood 10k with my sister.  I also aspire to try the superhero half marathon at Disney in November, but I have a lot to get through before then, so we'll see...

Anyway, that's it.  Overall I am in really.good spirits, just.anxious about tomorrow which only exacerbates my ridiculous level of exhaustion.

Oh and hey, happy early St. Patrick's Day.  Slainte!

It's Raining Sherri's Hair

My hair started falling out today.  I am so disturbed.  I am on a shower strike as I refuse to assist the process.  Also so thankful I have a drive thru Starbucks in the neighborhood so I can avoid that daily interaction.  How am I going to face the world hairless?  I seriously did not know I was so vain and shallow, but I am.  Ugh!

The Luck O' the Irish

There is no fixed physical reality, no single perception of the world, just numerous ways of interpreting world views as dictated by one's nervous system and the specific environment of our planetary existence.

Deepak Chopra 

I've been spending my time thinking about the power of perception.  Chris and I have always felt we are lucky in the big things in life…of course, that list always started with us being healthy, so that is no longer the case, but we have healthy kids, we have always been employed at great jobs with great companies, we won our wedding, we found our house the day it went on the market and were able to buy it with no competition, we have traveled, I met my former boss Steve Orzeck at exactly the right moment in my life and he basically built my career.  Some people would call this being blessed.  Some might take personal responsibility or ownership of this thinking they were diligent or persistent or whatever, but for the most part Chris and I both feel that luck has played a big role in our lives, helped us get where we are currently and we have been thankful for that.  (Of course we have been unlucky in parts of life, but mostly significantly less important stuff.)  This is not to say we think that luck supersedes hard work or honesty or whatever, but I believe that you could be the hardest working, most likeable, honest, smart person in the world, but you still need luck on your side…luck in my personal opinion could be the difference between success and failure in many aspects of life.  And truly, overall, I have been so, so lucky.

I have been thinking about this a lot because of the cancer and the chemo.  I went to the Redondo Beach Cancer Support Center last week and got to listen to the diagnosis stories of the other 7 or so people there for the orientation and I left feeling so lucky about my diagnosis.  I am so lucky I caught it early.  I am so lucky it did not spread to my lymph nodes.  I am so lucky I have already had and breastfed my kids.  I am so lucky I don’t have to work while I go through this.  I am so lucky I’m insured.  I am so lucky my surgery was a success AND that I opted for a bilateral mastectomy considering they found pre-cancer in the non cancer side.  Right now, I am so lucky I am having such an easy reaction to chemo.  A lot of people are telling me it’s because I’m so strong.  I can tell you with 100% certainty that this is not the case.  I am a scared baby and I don’t like pain.  Something about my body and the way I am built SO FAR is not having a terrible time with the chemo and I am incredibly grateful for this LUCK.

So the other thought I am having is around the law of attractions.  I do wonder if there isn’t something to that…like I am so thankful for the luck in this diagnosis and maybe some of that optimism or openness is also attracting positive things my way.  I have kind of always believed positivity attracts positivity, but we all know I am not always positive.  SO who knows, lots of stuff rolling around my brain similar to the whole question of WHY I got this.  Maybe this is just my way of reconciling the whole ordeal or making it easier.  I don’t know.  Just a lot of thinking and a lot of being thankful that things aren’t worse.

So, with specific regard to the chemo, I am still having no major side effects.  I have some slight, totally manageable nausea, I am really, really ridiculously tired at some points of the day (but I was tired before chemo)...and then I have this weird vein inflammation and itching where the chemo was infused which the oncologist said is from the taxotere.  The exhaustion is hard with the kids.  Really hard.  And I try to fake energy but by like 6 I am pretty toasted, plus Karina has been waking up around 4 am sporadically and so I am not getting enough solid sleep probably even for a regular person, but definitely not for a cancer/chemo patient.  I fear I am going to be tired for the rest of my life. But as long as my life is long, I can handle it. Other than that, so far so good.

I also saw the plastic surgeon this week and they finally took out the stitches.  I go back next week for my first fill...let the boob growing begin!  He released me for all physical activity which I have been desperately waiting for, so I had my first post-surgery run this week and met with our trainer twice.  All the exercise felt amazing!!!  It is such a privilege to be able to exercise, and exercise really is my cure all.  Not much makes me feel as good as a great workout and a hot shower.

My hair is starting to feel super dry like straw and like it is dying.  That is what I worry about every day.  How am I going to face the world bald?  Will I face the world bald or will be a recluse for 6 months.  The oncologist says I should start losing it somewhere between weeks three and five so anytime after St. Patrick’s Day.  Boo!

Monday we meet with a dietician to do an overall review of our diet against cancer risk and also to address eating during chemo, which as I previously mentioned has not been an issue.  I want to eat 24/7.  It is hard to reel that in...I guess at least I don't crave sugar.  Just meat.  Lots and lots of meat.  and eggs and bacon.  We also meet with the oncologist late in the day Monday to discuss the chemo, any adverse reactions and prepare for cycle two which starts next Friday with the blood work, and then the steroids over the weekend and then the infusion next Monday, on St. Patrick’s Day.  I guess I’ll be having green Gatorade instead of beer. :)

A week from today is our Santa Barbara breast cancer walk.  I am so proud of our team Boob-a-Bliss-cious which has raised $1,200, exceeding our team goal by 20% and I actually tripled my personal fundraising goal.  It should be fun.  My first 10K since before I had kids, and the fact that I am doing it while undergoing chemo makes me think I am crazy, but I figure if I can deal with cancer I can freaking run 6 miles, right?  We’ll see.

I think that’s it.  I could never say thank you enough for all the support I continue to receive.  I did want to share these two pics of great cards I received recently.  Enjoy.  Thanks for reading!

Chemo Update

I just got my last post chemo shot and so the medical intervention part of cycle 1 is over.  yeehaw!!  Other than some lethargy and nausea, I feel great.  If this first week is any indication of how chemo is going to go, I can so totally handle this!!!

I will say that I was maybe a bit cocky about the steroid induced food cravings.  I did not have food cravings while pregnant and was sure I would not on steroids.  Wrong.  I have eaten a lot of bacon this week and pretty much want bacon, eggs, or a giant burger 24 hours a day.  As you all know, I have promised myself I will not gain weight on chemo, so I need to get the food thing in order.  I managed to eat a Portobello burger one day and a turkey burger one day so I am optimistic I am not going to succumb to droid induced food hedonism...but the cravings were way more real and urgent than I expected.

That's it.  Feeling really super optimistic.  Only 116 days and my chemo cycle will be complete.  I CAN DO THIS.

Sherri

Chemo Session 1

Let me start by explaining what many of you may know but which I did not which is that chemo is not just an infusion session where you are in and out and then you get to just hang and relax until your next session.  Chemo is a full-on cycle of activities like a machine with prep work and post work and consultations and evaluations and so while the infusion is the thing I was focused on, that is just the BIG piece in the cycle, but there is so much more to it than the infusion. 

Each cycle starts two days before the infusion with a urine and blood analysis to make sure you are healthy enough to get the infusion.  (Which sort of reminds me of the whole process of making sure death row inmates are sane and healthy enough to be killed…weird and I am trying not to make an analogy there in light of my partnership with my chemo where I am trying hard not to see chemo as a poison or a killer!)  If you are healthy enough then yeah, if you are not then there is a whole bunch of stuff they can do to get you healthy but your infusions will be delayed or halted until you are healthy enough to take them again.  If you pass the urine and blood, then you start taking your pill-based steroids the day before chemo, and then a Zyrtec (sorry, had previously said Zoloft which was wrong) the day of chemo before you even show up for the infusion.  At the infusion they give you additional anti-nausea pills and Tylenol, and then they actually do a saline drop to hydrate you before they start putting in any drugs, and then you complete your infusion.  After the infusion, you have five days of shots (that you are supposed to administer yourself, yah right!!!) that go into your stomach to help your bone marrow produce more white blood cells to keep you healthy enough to take the next infusion.  (I got five days of appointments with the infusion nurse bc there is no way I can stick myself with a needle!)  You also go home with Imodium AD in case of diarrhea, stool softeners in case of constipation, a recipe for a mouth wash that you have to use after every meal to avoid mouth sores…and a whole slew of instructions for the many weird things that can happen during the “cycle.”  During week 2 you visit with your oncologist to make sure everything is going well, and then week three you start your urine and blood tests again and get ready for the next cycle.  That is what the next 17 or so weeks will be like for me.  It’s a lot, definitely a full time job, but I am good at tasks and lists and steps and so I feel very well in control now that I know all the steps involved. 

So the best way to describe MY first chemo “cycle” is to say it was bearable.  I am happy to report that there were no tears.  I wasn’t sure what to expect and you all probably saw that I woke up at 1:15 that morning and could not get back to sleep so I was worried.  But I think I was so jacked up on the steroid that I was more like hyper and jittery than scared or sad.  My cheeks were burgundy and I was winded and the infusion nurse let me know that I probably had woken up bc of the pill-based steroids and not necessarily bc of anxiety.  That actually made sense to me and made me feel a little bit better.  The day started out with some frustrations, though. 

The Kaiser infusion center has maybe 15-20 infusion rooms, some private rooms for longer infusions and some curtained rooms for shorter infusions.  We were promised a private infusion room bc my infusion was supposed to be 4 hours, but when we showed up they had no private rooms so we went into a curtained room that was like 4x4 feet without enough space for Chris and I and all the comfort amenities I brought and I was super bummed.  I was scared and jacked up on steroids and have no privacy plus I was privy to all the beeps, shouts, conversations, aggravations, etc of the fellow chemo patients, plus the laughs and jokes of the staff which probably irritated me more than anything because didn’t they realize this was NO TIME FOR JOKING OR LAUGHING!!!  Then before they even started the infusions, the infusion nurse came in and starts telling me about the shots I am going to have to self administer for the white blood cell counts, and I am like, yah, that's not going to happen. So they set me up for appts with an injection nurse every day (this is for the white blood cell shots, I actually got my first one yesterday and it was fine but there is no way I could have done it myself).  Then the thing that really killed me is that they had trouble getting an IV in so they had to try three different veins and it was painful and it sucked and I was like, um isn't this what you do all day every day?  It was crazy.  I had specifically been told not to worry about getting a port bc I had great veins and then they couldn’t get the damn veins to work and it was just not a good start to the day!!  (I’m a whiny, baby I think, sorry!)

Once they got me started the day was fine, but long.  The staff was nice, Chris stayed with me the whole day, my mom and sister brought me a yummy turkey burger for lunch, and I binged on Scandal episodes during the entire infusion.  We ended up getting moved to a private room about 2- 2 ½ hours into the appointment which was much nicer, but what should have been a four hour appt turned into seven hour appt bc of the vein issues and because I had a reaction to one of the drugs, I think the taxotere, which gave me incredibly painful back and pelvic spasms similar to what contractions feel like.  Not fun.  They said it was pretty normal but they had to stop the drip, give me a steroid, flush me with saline and then start the drip again with the drug but at a reduced rate.  So we went in at 10 AM and got out at 5 PM.  It was a long, draining day.

I slept great that night and yesterday felt pretty normal- a teeny, tiny bit of nausea, a little bit weaker than normal, but I got in a 2 mile walk, did some squats and lunges, went shopping for some more feminine looking clothes so that when I am bald no one will think I’m a boy, and just sort of rested during the afternoon.  Today (two days out) I feel a little bit weirder.  Like sort of heavy and slow and my stomach is a bit more unsettled so we’ll see what the day brings.  I will still try to get in a walk...and will probably do some more Scandal bingeing.

Mostly everyone I have talked to says day three to like five or seven are the most difficult so I am just sort of waiting to see what this feels like for me.  the infusion nurse said she sees all sorts of patients who get no side effects at all so it's anyone's guess what this will be like before I go through the complete cycle, but really despite my whining I am optimistic. 

I asked Chris what else he thought was noteworthy about the session, and there wasn’t anything except he did point out that the infusion nurse laughed a lot.  Which was true.  And the main nurse in the oncologist department laughs a lot too.  I suppose it makes sense that you have to have that sunny disposition to get through the process of working with cancer patients all day, but I can be very snarky and so I got really irritated with the oncologist nurse during our chemo class bc she thought everything was so funny that happens as far as the side effects and it was so funny that many of her patients hair grows back differently than their original hair and I could not understand what was so funny about that. It made me mad.  I told Chris I wanted to shave her head and see if her hair grew back the same way and then see if she thought it was funny.   With the infusion nurse, when she was laughing and cheerful about them not being able to get a vein I also wanted to punch her in the face, which I'm sure she gathered bc I did not laugh or smile or commiserate with her at all.  But throughout the day as things calmed down and I settled.down and maybe relaxed off the roid rage, I really liked her.  She was nice and sincere and calming...hoping she will be my nurse throughout but we'll see.

I think that's it.  Really so far so good.  Hoping it stays this way.

Thanks for reading.

Sherri

My Contract with the Devil AKA Chemo

Up at 1:10 AM after about 3 1/2 hours of sleep anxiously awaiting my first infusion.  I don't know how cancer patients are supposed to rest to heal unless no one is as anxious as I am about each step...which is probably quite possible.  So I am trying to get a handle on some advice I got from a good friend/life coach/cancer guru who forced me to talk about my fear and anger about chemo on Saturday night and basically told me I had to change my perspective and come to terms with the important role chemo was going to play in my being cured or I would not have the best chance of being cured.  He explained that I had to go into this fully aware that I was making a deal with the devil, but that chemo was my partner in healing, that if I got sick on chemo then it meant it was working and that sometimes things had to be sort of broken to come back more powerful and beautiful.  Of course, he said it a lot more eloquently than that, but emphasized that in his experience the patients who had that sort of partnership perspective rather than the perspective that they were being forced against their will to do something they hate and don't want and they weren't able to get past the fear, well the partnership folks fared better.  And well, I am going to fare excellently so I need to get a handle on this.  Which drummed up the idea in my head of writing a contract or agreement of sorts with my chemo so we were clear on how this is going to go.  This may end up being a really weird post so read on at your discretion.

Dear Chemo- so here we are.  I would be lying if I said it was a pleasure to meet you, even if only on paper so far, but I do want you to know I am glad to have you on my team as a critical tool in my recovery and cure from breast cancer.  We are going to be working together over the next 4 months to kick the shit out of our common enemy and I know we can do it, but I want to outline some terms and expectations so we are both clear on how I expect this to go down.

1. I believe that you are the BEST tool for my particular cancer at this point, and therefore the most effective next step in my fight.  That is your role -  cancer killer and recovery builder.  My expectation is that you work as you are intended to work with 100% focus on finding and killing any rogue cancer cells in any part of my body.  Let me repeat that- ANY AND ALL.  This is all I need you to do and this is why you exist.  Do your job.  Do it perfectly.  There is no room for error and I honestly expect nothing less than perfection from you.  Do not disappoint me.
2. While we are partners in this work and you can expect me to also perform with perfection, I am the boss.  I am in charge of whether our partnership continues over the course of the next four months, and I sincerely hope that it does because I truly need you and have high expectations of the results of our partnership.  If you get crazy and start seriously messing with parts of my body that have nothing to do with your singular task (killing any and all rogue cancer cells, which I will remind you of constantly) I am going to be pissed and I will fight you in those efforts and I will win.  If at any point I feel you are doing more overall harm than good I will absolutely terminate our relationship and I will be a crazy madwoman about sharing and publicizing my experience so that your deficiencies are addressed through medical advances and so that you don’t have the same opportunity to harm other women.  Also so women can make intelligent decisions themselves about whether or not they want to partner with you in their treatment.  I don’t expect this to be the case because I am certain you are the best partner for me at this phase of recovery, but I have to get that out there because I have a very low tolerance for unnecessary fear and just general health shenanigans.
3. I will be an incredible partner for you.  I am the perfect partner in this particular case because I am the best at taking care of my body so we have a winning team, no doubt.  I'm young, strong, healthy (other than the stupid cancer which we both hate so we again we have the same enemy).  I have so much love on my side it’s insane, including the love and adoration of two young girls who need me in their lives now and for as long as possible.  I am stubborn and I am determined to be cured.  Every action that I own in relation to completing the 6 sessions required of our partnership will be completed as outlined and I will go above and beyond to help you fight our enemy.  I am already a healthy eater, having added several new foods into my diet bc of their cancer fighting properties, added green tea which I honestly think tastes like mold into my diet, I exercise just about every day.  I will be getting chemo-specific massages and doing cancer specific yoga.  Oh also, I am smart, ridiculously good with data and metrics and a good researcher, so whatever acceptable side effects and risks  are necessary for you to DO YOUR JOB, I can handle those and I Will Do everything to handle them so that I am healthy enough that each of our sessions can occur as scheduled.  You can trust me to perform.  I do not fail.  Be clear though as I mentioned previously about there being acceptable side effects and unacceptable.  I will not accept any organ failures or serious impairments/infections.  I trust my judgment and the judgment of my oncologist more than I trust or value your power.  If needed, I will find another way to be cured.  I hope you are the path to my cure, but I am not afraid to walk away and try something else if you cross the line.  I don’t expect to have to do this bc I have said at length that I know you are good at your job and I expect you to just get it done without any crazy shenanigans
4. This is a one-time agreement.  I need you RIGHT.NOW.  Do your job because I only expect us to ever partner this one-time.  Never again.  That is a win for both of us, although I know I am charming and funny so you will miss me, but bc I am charming and funny you want me to live the rest of my long life with my husband and kids cancer-free and so this is our one opportunity to work together.  Let's make it great and then go our separate ways which is both our ultimate goals.
5. In return for your stellar performance I will take it upon myself to specifically commit my time, money and other resources to making you better.  You are a remarkable and powerful tool, you save lives, but I believe there has to be a way for you to do that without the extreme and harsh side effects.  I am not a doctor or cancer specialist, but like I said before, I am smart and am tenacious.  I will spend the rest of my life committed to helping other cancer patients, and I have a strong interest in chemotherapy research and advancements so that over time you can do your job and be nicer about it.  I think you would appreciate that and I know all of your future partners would as well.

That's about it.  I'd like to thank you in advance for your hard work and partnership toward curing me of cancer. I will be in constant communications with you verbally, physically and mentally if that even makes sense and know we will have a strong and powerful, albeit short partnership with each other. 

 

Yours in CURING

Sherri