My Contract with the Devil AKA Chemo

Up at 1:10 AM after about 3 1/2 hours of sleep anxiously awaiting my first infusion.  I don't know how cancer patients are supposed to rest to heal unless no one is as anxious as I am about each step...which is probably quite possible.  So I am trying to get a handle on some advice I got from a good friend/life coach/cancer guru who forced me to talk about my fear and anger about chemo on Saturday night and basically told me I had to change my perspective and come to terms with the important role chemo was going to play in my being cured or I would not have the best chance of being cured.  He explained that I had to go into this fully aware that I was making a deal with the devil, but that chemo was my partner in healing, that if I got sick on chemo then it meant it was working and that sometimes things had to be sort of broken to come back more powerful and beautiful.  Of course, he said it a lot more eloquently than that, but emphasized that in his experience the patients who had that sort of partnership perspective rather than the perspective that they were being forced against their will to do something they hate and don't want and they weren't able to get past the fear, well the partnership folks fared better.  And well, I am going to fare excellently so I need to get a handle on this.  Which drummed up the idea in my head of writing a contract or agreement of sorts with my chemo so we were clear on how this is going to go.  This may end up being a really weird post so read on at your discretion.

Dear Chemo- so here we are.  I would be lying if I said it was a pleasure to meet you, even if only on paper so far, but I do want you to know I am glad to have you on my team as a critical tool in my recovery and cure from breast cancer.  We are going to be working together over the next 4 months to kick the shit out of our common enemy and I know we can do it, but I want to outline some terms and expectations so we are both clear on how I expect this to go down.

1. I believe that you are the BEST tool for my particular cancer at this point, and therefore the most effective next step in my fight.  That is your role -  cancer killer and recovery builder.  My expectation is that you work as you are intended to work with 100% focus on finding and killing any rogue cancer cells in any part of my body.  Let me repeat that- ANY AND ALL.  This is all I need you to do and this is why you exist.  Do your job.  Do it perfectly.  There is no room for error and I honestly expect nothing less than perfection from you.  Do not disappoint me.
2. While we are partners in this work and you can expect me to also perform with perfection, I am the boss.  I am in charge of whether our partnership continues over the course of the next four months, and I sincerely hope that it does because I truly need you and have high expectations of the results of our partnership.  If you get crazy and start seriously messing with parts of my body that have nothing to do with your singular task (killing any and all rogue cancer cells, which I will remind you of constantly) I am going to be pissed and I will fight you in those efforts and I will win.  If at any point I feel you are doing more overall harm than good I will absolutely terminate our relationship and I will be a crazy madwoman about sharing and publicizing my experience so that your deficiencies are addressed through medical advances and so that you don’t have the same opportunity to harm other women.  Also so women can make intelligent decisions themselves about whether or not they want to partner with you in their treatment.  I don’t expect this to be the case because I am certain you are the best partner for me at this phase of recovery, but I have to get that out there because I have a very low tolerance for unnecessary fear and just general health shenanigans.
3. I will be an incredible partner for you.  I am the perfect partner in this particular case because I am the best at taking care of my body so we have a winning team, no doubt.  I'm young, strong, healthy (other than the stupid cancer which we both hate so we again we have the same enemy).  I have so much love on my side it’s insane, including the love and adoration of two young girls who need me in their lives now and for as long as possible.  I am stubborn and I am determined to be cured.  Every action that I own in relation to completing the 6 sessions required of our partnership will be completed as outlined and I will go above and beyond to help you fight our enemy.  I am already a healthy eater, having added several new foods into my diet bc of their cancer fighting properties, added green tea which I honestly think tastes like mold into my diet, I exercise just about every day.  I will be getting chemo-specific massages and doing cancer specific yoga.  Oh also, I am smart, ridiculously good with data and metrics and a good researcher, so whatever acceptable side effects and risks  are necessary for you to DO YOUR JOB, I can handle those and I Will Do everything to handle them so that I am healthy enough that each of our sessions can occur as scheduled.  You can trust me to perform.  I do not fail.  Be clear though as I mentioned previously about there being acceptable side effects and unacceptable.  I will not accept any organ failures or serious impairments/infections.  I trust my judgment and the judgment of my oncologist more than I trust or value your power.  If needed, I will find another way to be cured.  I hope you are the path to my cure, but I am not afraid to walk away and try something else if you cross the line.  I don’t expect to have to do this bc I have said at length that I know you are good at your job and I expect you to just get it done without any crazy shenanigans
4. This is a one-time agreement.  I need you RIGHT.NOW.  Do your job because I only expect us to ever partner this one-time.  Never again.  That is a win for both of us, although I know I am charming and funny so you will miss me, but bc I am charming and funny you want me to live the rest of my long life with my husband and kids cancer-free and so this is our one opportunity to work together.  Let's make it great and then go our separate ways which is both our ultimate goals.
5. In return for your stellar performance I will take it upon myself to specifically commit my time, money and other resources to making you better.  You are a remarkable and powerful tool, you save lives, but I believe there has to be a way for you to do that without the extreme and harsh side effects.  I am not a doctor or cancer specialist, but like I said before, I am smart and am tenacious.  I will spend the rest of my life committed to helping other cancer patients, and I have a strong interest in chemotherapy research and advancements so that over time you can do your job and be nicer about it.  I think you would appreciate that and I know all of your future partners would as well.

That's about it.  I'd like to thank you in advance for your hard work and partnership toward curing me of cancer. I will be in constant communications with you verbally, physically and mentally if that even makes sense and know we will have a strong and powerful, albeit short partnership with each other. 

 

Yours in CURING

Sherri