Staying optimistic when things aren't going great

February 1, 2014

I have been on a bit of a high, I think.  The surgeon got clean margins all around the tumor and so clinically the trend of getting the best possible result continues.  I am walking and pretty mobile-I did almost 4 miles today.  And I have incredible support still, from all over.  So things are going well and it has been nice.

But the challenges are starting to weigh me down.  Not being able to hug the kids, run around with the kids, or just snuggle them is driving me crazy.  They are being great, they really seem to understand but it is making me agitated and sad.   Natasha tonight asked if I could stay up all night and rub her back and hair.  I know she misses me and I hate it.  She.gives the best hugs and I miss them.  I want my drains out, I want no pain and I want to be able to squeeze those little monkeys.

I am also having an issue with the skin on one side not healing well and so I am worried about having to have another surgery to correct that, and of course it's the side that didn't have cancer and so I feel like I'm being punished for choosing "elective" surgery.  Well I don't really think that, but I am disappointed.  And I just want everything to go well, I want this to be as easy as possible.  My disability paperwork is also delayed and so I am not getting paid right now...anyway, at night when I am trying to get to sleep, the negative thoughts are getting to me and bringing me down.   I keep chanting "present", "present" and trying to just live in the moment and be focused on the overall really good health news, but I am struggling.

What else?  Well, the husband is still being an incredible caregiver and my mom is still staying with us so that has been a life saver.  My sisters, mom and friend Brynda and I have decided to do a breast cancer walk in Santa Barbara using the name Team Boob-a-Bliss-cious.  There's so much fun to be had with the words bliss and boobs.  Hopefully it will be the first of many walks and clever team names.

I will find out my chemo schedule next week and am still dreading that part of this journey for so any reasons.  Other than the stupid cancer I am in impeccable health but now I have to course poison through my entire body, all organs, with major potential side effects and it (pardon my language) fucking sucks.  Plus there is the whole hair thing which I have complained about incessantly so I will shut up about it today.

Not much else to share.  Hope everyone is doing great and thanks for reading.

Sherri