Still waiting

It's been almost 3 weeks since my surgery and I still have no pathology report and it is freaking making me crazy.  I'm not good at waiting in general (i mean is anyone?) But really I am totally the person who reads the Facebook spoilers during the So You Think You Can Dance finale bc I can't wait til the end to know who won and I have been known to read the last chapter of a book first when I am flying just in case the plane goes down so I will know how the book ended in case of my untimely demise.  So now we are talking about a very personal, super stressful tumor analysis that is going to set the course for the next 6 months of treatment and my overall life/survival prognosis and I NEED TO KNOW THE RESULTS NOW!!!  I have a tentative chemo appointment for next week but I don't have the information I need to know which chemo regiment I need and/or how beneficial it will be overall.  GRRRRR.  My tendency to be crazy is increasing daily.

Outside of the waiting, things are going just OK.  We saw the plastic surgeon again Monday and will continue to see him every week for the next 2 months or so.  I was having a bit of an issue on my right side so they had to remove some dead skin and give me some extra stitches.  it was gross.  For the girl who passes out about basic medical care, I have to give myself credit for just doing what needs to get done without a lot of drama.  it has not been easy, but for me requires extra courage than the average bear and I am getting through it just fine.

So let's talk about stupid fucking chemo, or SFC as we'll call it so as not to be offensive in front of the kids.  I joined this secret young cancer group on Facebook and have been trying to prep by gathering as much info and resources about chemo before I start but it all fucking sucks.  So I am seriously considering just not learning anything else bc it's not really helpful for me personally.  In addition to losing my hair and damaging organs, barfing, risking leukemia and just generally poisoning my body, I apparently also need to worry about mouth sores, losing my finger and toenails, having my finger and toenails turn black, incontinence if I don't flush the chemo out of my system fast enough, hyper sensitivity to cold...that's about all I can remember so I'm sure there are other things I just blocked out.  Anyway so yes I am kind of bummed and kind of bitter. And yah yah yah I HAVE to stay positive, yada, yada, yada...I am positive it is going  to suck. Ha ha.

Don't even get me started on the tamoxifen which they now recommend taking for TEN YEARS.  Insane.

So what is happening that is good?  Well, the surprises, gifts, meals and love continue.  Which is just incredible.  Natasha is still having some insanely sweet moments like last night when we read her Nowhere Hair, the kids book about a mom losing her hair bc of chemo and she said she would still love me when I don't have hair and would tell her friends to not freak out bc it's still just her mom.  She is a cutie, as much as she drives me crazy sometimes.  She is still acting out a lot, angry, so I am thinking about taking her to a kids group or play therapy or something.  she has such a hard time anyway, the stress and anxiety are just crap icing on the already troubled cake.  I am also trying to find a naturopathic doctor to help with supplements and other stuff for during chemo.  If anyone has local recommendations, please send them my way.  It looks there is an integrated natural health center in El Segundo that looks promising and one in Torrance as well.  I bought myself a really cute breast cancer baseball cap and will be getting a beanie and newsboy to cover my bald head bc I don't think I want a wig...but again we'll see.  I'm still walking every day, albeit a lot slower since the surgical staff advised me to slow down, and still doing way too much online shopping to fill the time.  (Sorry husband!)

That's really all I have to share and I know it's not a lot, and apologize for the incessant complaining about the SFC.  If you ever have to infuse poison for 5 hours at a time directly into your blood stream I PROMISE I WILL BE THERE FOR YOU TO COMPLAIN TO, but for your sake I hope I never have that fulfill that promise.  :)

Anyway hope all is well with you all.  Love and kisses to everyone.  THANKS FOR READING.

Sherri