Pathology (much different than pathological, i.e., i am a pathological stressor)

Finally got the pathology results...and they were able to get a result on the HER2 and I am HER2 positive, which is good news bc it means I can get the chemo that does not cause leukemia, but bad news bc I have to have Herceptin which is the stuff that jacks up your heart.  Also, the treatment regiment will be for an entire year, we think.  I don't know if that means I look and feel like shit for the whole year or what but we find out Wednesday.  I am really.glad they got a result and so we don't have to guess on treatment, but I am anxious and scared too.  I'm also feeling a little bit weepy and depressed.  Not sure where that is coming from but I hate it.  Last Thursday out of nowhere I just was a crying mess.  I feel sort of helpless and I am getting bitter again the more waiting I do and the closer I get to chemo.

I ended up reading The Middle Place by Kelly Corrigan over the  past three days, it was good and she expressed a lot of similar thoughts to mine...but at the end I just felt like the story wasn't over.  What happens next?  I think I am feeling more upset about this being something that impacts my health and quality of life for the rest of my life so when the oncologists talk about a tough but survivable year you don't think beyond that, but there are lifelong implications and challenges.  And yes, I know I am lucky bc I get to live, but I am again going down the path of wondering why I have to fight for the gift of life, why I am in the position of feeling like I have to prove that I love life enough and am strong enough to be a survivor...it just doesn't seem fair and I am back to wondering what I did to deserve this.

Anyway will post more after Wednesday's appt.